The (COM)Plain Truth!

Its day 12. Things are going well. Well, things are going. I don't have time to be fake and unreal.

Yes, things really are going well but heres the other side.

I don't want to do this.

I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I know, for anyone who has struggled with eating issues or being over weight (even if its just 10 pounds) they can relate to this statement. But it goes way deeper than that for me. Can you imagine what its like to wonder every single time you put something in your mouth, "Is this gonna make me sick?" Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. And the 8 out of 10 times that I do get sick its awful! And to add fuel to an already existing forrest fire I have a food addiction. Whew, there I said it. Maybe I said it earlier and just forgot but there now I know I really said it.

I need to back up for a minute. This whole thing really started about a month and a half ago when a friend and I really looked at our eating issues and got really honest about our struggles. I'm sure most of you are thinking skinny girls don't have eating issues. I am here to assure you they do. Mine wasn't anorexia/bulimia etc., not that I didn't think about it mind you. Mine was an inability to exercise any self control with regard to what I ate/when I ate etc. I had even begun hiding food and purposely eating things I knew would make me sick. That really spoke to me once I realized what I was really doing. At first I tried to convince myself I was just doing it so the kids wouldn't eat all my favorite treats. But when I found myself sneaking in there for "just one" several times a day I knew I was in trouble.

I had heard of the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and picked one up for me and my friend and also got the devotional. They are both great and we are working through them together. The focus of the book is that we are made to crave...God not food or really whatever addiction you have in your life. You can fill in the blank anyway you want. I really like the book and look forward to reading it everyday, it highlighted and underlined and its really helped me to re-think why I make the choices I do regarding food and how I can alter my thinking. So, whats the (com)plain truth?

I'm jealous. I am mad that I have to do this juice thing. I am mad that all these people around me can eat whatever they want and not get sick. Maybe I am mad at the doctors that they couldn't fix me with a pill I could take daily so I wouldn't get sick and could eat whatever I want everyday. I am mad that I am mad instead of just putting on my big girl panties and walking through this juice fast/feast with a good attitude instead of struggling every step. BREATHE...

The word struggle means to make forceful or violent attempts to get free of restraint or constriction. I also looked it up in the greek. The word in the greek is agonizomai and it means to strive or to contend for a prize.

When I think about it I am making a pretty forceful attempt to heal my body and feel better.

I have been too caught up in the negative meaning of this word struggle when its actually a positive thing. Now the truth is I can struggle well which is what I need to work towards since this is a life style change and not just a 21 day juice fast and then back to the same old same old.

I am striving for something better. I am contending for a prize. The prize, first and foremost a better relationship with my creator and secondly health and wellness. Those are pretty amazing prizes. Hebrews 12:1 says to throw off every weight that hinders us and to run the good race.

I can't run a good race being sick all the time or allowing my addictions to win. I have to make forceful and violent attempts to break free. And that is just what I am going to do!

Thank you Jesus for pointing the way. For your truth in the midst of battle. And for the reminder that you love me the way I am but love me too much to leave me that way. Amen.

Friday the 13th.

Yes, today is not Friday the 13th. Its Saturday but its time to vent.

I have never believed bad things happen because its Friday the 13th until yesterday. Day 7 was one of the worst days so far. Worse than day 2 even. I felt like I was starting all over. Detox is not fun. Here are some things I've discovered since being home.

Its much harder doing this alone. When I was in Florida with my Aunt, yes I had to shop and cook for my boys but come meal time I wasn't alone drinking my juice. Holly was right there with me.

Going grocery shopping was horrible, the more I walked around the more of a fog I was in.

I have no one to sit and talk to about this. B is great and is very patient listening but I can tell when his eyes glass over he's thinking, are you talking about this again?

This is much more emotional than I realized and I don't even have the words to articulate why.

I've only been home a day but yesterday I went non-stop until dinner. I need to rest more.

I'll say it again, detox is hard. I can't even imagine what is going on inside my body but based on the way I feel I'd say cleaning house is an understatement.

Just to be brutally honest, I wanted so badly to give up yesterday. Especially when our friends came for dinner and I sat there watching everyone eat homemade pizza. And also because of the way my stomach hurt I just thought, I could eat a big mac and feel this way. Why am I doing this again?

As I sought the Lord, He heard me and answered me and said "My joy is your strength." Beautiful.

But honestly, its so hard to be joyful when you feel lethargic and puny and for the record I still don't believe bad things happen on Friday the 13th.

Extremely Necessary but Incredibly Difficult.

Today is day 4!

Of what you may ask.

Of something so extreme I am beyond shocked I can say I am at day 4.

Am I intriguing or enticing you to read on?

Truthfully this blog entry is really more for me than you but hey if you're gonna read it and say some nice encouraging things then that works for me.

If you've known me any length of time you know that I have frequent stomach ailments and have seen a couple of docs, endured some not so pleasant tests and have virtually NO answers. You would also know I am OVER IT!

The straw that broke the camels back came last Tuesday when we had family in town and went to eat at Carolina Ale House. By the way, LOVE their food. Knowing how good my choices had been for several weeks in a row and the probiotics I have been taking for about 4+ months I figured a little treat would be harmless. So, I ordered their turkey club wrap which comes with fries.

Do I know anything fried usually makes me sick? Yes. Should I have made this choice? Probably not. Did I take into consideration the good eating/probiotics and think I would be OK? YES!!!

NOT SO MUCH!!

By the time we arrived at Toys R Us to spoil my niece I was in agony. I headed straight to the bathroom where I stayed for a good 10 minutes. Ok fine, right? No. After re-joining my family and the excited 2 and 1/2 year old for a grand total of 1.5 seconds I was headed back to the bathroom where I stayed for the reminder of visit there. Ok, so that was only another 10 minutes but still...

The next morning I made homemade pancakes for everyone and we all enjoyed some mini cadbury eggs.

Well, that was the icing on the cake and I was sick the rest of that day and on into Thursday to the point I could barely eat.

That was it. I was tired, cranky, sick to my stomach and convinced gall bladder issues were part of the equation also.

Something needed to change and it needed to be soon and drastic. As I prayed that morning I remembered my Aunt Holly telling me about a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and because she had been so inspired by that (among other things) she had just begun a 30 day juice fast.

The guy doing it is Joe Cross and when he began to juice he was 100 pounds overweight and on all kinds of meds for an auto immune disease and his blood work was a mess. By the end of a 60 day juice fast he had lost all his weight, was no longer on medication and all his blood work was normal. It also chronicled another guy named Phil Staples but I'm not going to give that part away but lets just say his transformation is off the charts so go and watch it!

For my Aunt a juice fast is no big deal, she's done a one several times. After watching the documentary I was completely challenged. Challenged for my health and for my future. I don't want to be sick with stomach issues every other day and no my blood tests are not messed up and I don't take lots of meds every day but there's no doubt about it something is wrong and I'm not willing to get to that point.

So, I did something drastic. Joe recommends getting away, if you are able, for the first little while in order to kick start the fast. Something about being away from the norm. So, me, Jack and Jay hopped in the car Friday morning at 5am and made our way to Sarasota, FL to hang with my Aunt while I got this started. Now bear in mind I only saw the documentary Thursday morning. But after really praying and asking God what to do and then talking to B, we both felt it was time to go and really try this thing. No time like the present right? I had to shift some things around but B assured me nothing was more important than my health and at the end of the day I've tried everything else so I know this can't hurt.

So, here's the goal. 10 day juice fast. Possibly extended to 30 and if things are going really well, 60 days. That is what Joe Cross did and it changed his life.

When we arrived Friday evening we were exhausted and I knew sleep was first on my priority list since Saturday morning the fast would begin. I hadn't done much homework up to that point so my Aunt educated me as we sat on the porch to bring me up to speed. Because I am relatively healthy I didn't feel I needed medical approval to do this but, I should state it is recommended.

Also, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing beforehand (not that there was a lot of time anyway) because I don't need a lot of opinions or negativity.

On to the fast. We began juicing Saturday morning bright and early. Carrots, kale, celery, cucumbers, apples, pineapples, pears, ginger, strawberries, grapes, and spinach to name a few. Of course not all at the same time. :0)

I have to tell you, after that first taste I just knew this would be a long 10 days and forget about 30 let alone 60. But the taste grows on you and being the age I am I recognize tastes can change and you can re-train your palate to like anything. Still, I knew it would probably take awhile.

Day one was Ok. We went to the beach for a couple of hours and then just chilled the rest of the day.

Day two was harder. I felt sick and headachy, lethargic and just wanted to lay around.

Day three was better. We went to the beach and I stayed under an umbrella the entire time. I wasn't as tired and began enjoying the fruit juice more. The veggie, not yet. The beach was hard only in that everywhere I turned people were eating all the junk food I craved. Then when we got home I cooked dinner for the boys. Spagetti. One of my favorite dishes. WOW, that was tough. But I managed.

The hunger pains have been rough.

Day four (today) has been ok. The hunger pains aren't as bad but still there. I think I drank too much fruit juice today so that wasn't very fun, if you get my drift. ;0)

I'll be driving home on day six and all the information I've read agrees that by then I should be feeling amazing. Lots of energy and raring to go. I'm not worried about it. God has been part of this since its inception and He won't be leaving anytime soon.

Something cool happened tonight, not that I should really be surprised. He's just that amazing of a God.

I sat playing Bananagrams with the boys in my Aunt's lanai after cooking them one of my and their fave dinners (rave 'n' ravioli). I was trying to be social all the while my body is screaming for the left overs which, may I add would no doubt make me sick. God, in His goodness gave me a revelation.

Doing this juice fast/life style is kind of like believing in God.

I can't see God, I can't see inside my body.

But I see unbelievable results in my life as a result of believing in and serving/seeking God.

I will see unbelievable results if I continue to seek out and choose a healthy life style.

God is at work. I don't know if I'll make it 10 days, 30 or 60 days. But He knows. And knowing He has the answers before I even ask the questions is good enough for me.

Keep checking in because I plan to document how this whole thing goes in effort to encourage myself and hopefully others.

Feel free to leave any encouraging comments.

1 Corinthians 10:13

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Thoughts

Since being on this journey called adoption there have been more thoughts than normal running around in my head.

In the beginning when we first felt called to adopt it was, is this really God's will? How could not be God's will? How will we afford it? How hard will it be? How long is it gonna take?

Then everything was on hold my thoughts moved to, maybe this isn't what we are supposed to do. Maybe we heard God wrong. We have so much debt there is no way we can ever do this. I guess the dream is dead.

Three more years passed coupled with lots of moving, uncertainty and certainly hundreds more questions. Then the thoughts went like this. Are we too old for this? My heart yearns for a little girl I've never even met, how is that possible? I know we are supposed to do this, how are we ever going to afford it.

Then one day, we just knew it was time to start so we jumped in with both feet.

Here we are 8 months in and today we just got home from Raleigh after we had our biometrics appointment.

Here are some of the thoughts I have these days, I wonder how many more times I'll clean this bathroom before I bring Grace home.

What are going to be the issues we deal with? I am gonna love having a little girl. I am gonna hate having a little girl. What if I can't do it? Why does everyone else make this adoption process look so easy?

And finally when I come to the end of myself I return to His feet, sigh real big and say Thank you Jesus I can rest in you because you have all this in the palm of your hands.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The King James version says I know the THOUGHTS I think towards you...

What a precious thing. We may have thousands of thoughts, some good, some not so good but all of His thoughts are for good and not evil.

His plans aren't just for this little girl waiting in China somewhere for her forever family. They are also for the forever family who have moments when they cry in frustration because the process can be so long. I am so thankful for the God I serve who loves me despite all my crazy thoughts and who has seen the end already and is carrying us through all of it.

A Make Over!

Everything and everyone I think, needs a make over from time to time.

This blog was no exception.

So, a few weeks ago I contacted the creative forces that be and asked for a remodel and once again she has delivered.

Its just in time too.

We have entered a new phase of this journey.

We feel closer than ever and its scary as it is exciting.

Thursday we spent more than 2 hours looking through the database of girls alone who are waiting for forever families. There were over 456 ranging in age from 0-18. There were only about 80 in our age range which is 2-3, however just going through these files was the most heart wrenching thing we have ever done.

How do you look past the faces, disabled or not and not long to scoop them up and just love them? It was so hard. Some of them have such severe disabilities you wonder if they will be stuck there forever. I literally felt physically sick.

But in the end we had to look at the special needs we felt capable of handling and we chose 6 girls to look at in more depth.

So now what you might ask? Well, we take these files to a pediatrician and ask every question we can think of that pertains to their needs.

And then, we make a choice. And the truth is, she may not be one of these 6. And guess what? We're OK with that. We know God already has our daughter in the palm of His hand and His timing will the THE timing so we will rest as we go through these files. Its a beautiful thing.

As for paperwork, we are working on the dossier, have our biometrics appointment in November and my passport is going to arrive hopefully in the next 2 weeks or so.

Since these past 3 weeks have been filled with wedding stuff (I was matron of honor) its nice to have all my focus back where I feel it belongs.

Once again, thank you for riding this wave with us and please pray specifically for God's will as we go through these files.

Blessings.

STAND!!

EPHESIANS 6:10-17

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. ¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. ¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

There are times in life when you feel like you have been knocked down.

There is no more wind in your sails or breath in your lungs.

In the moment it feels sad and hopeless.

There is an overwhelming sense of failure and defeat.

All of life seems to be closing in or crashing down around you.

This is when you STAND.

You stand firm knowing that God is there in your midst and sees all the tears you cry.

You stand firm knowing that God has not left you now and will not leave you in the future.

You stand firm knowing that He has set your feet on a rock. And that rock is HIM.

You stand firm knowing that whatever trial or test you are going through, if you let Him, His glory will be revealed.

You stand firm knowing that the peace which passes all understanding will walk with you through this and will never fail you.

You stand firm knowing He loves you, gave His life for you and now intercedes for you as He sits at the right hand of the Father.

This is how to stand and this is how I am standing today!

Thank you Jesus.

Psalm 59:9-11

You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,
for you, O God, are my fortress.
¹⁰ In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies.

¹¹ Don’t kill them, for my people soon forget such lessons;
stagger them with your power, and bring them to their knees,
O Lord our shield.

Psalm 119:89-90

⁸⁹ Your eternal word, O Lord,
stands firm in heaven.
⁹⁰ Your faithfulness extends to every generation,
as enduring as the earth you created.

This Hurricane...called Life

Irene decided to pay us all a visit this past weekend and I have to say, after living in Oklahoma for 12 years I prefer tornado's. Admittedly, tornados are much less predictable than hurricanes but in my experience at least they are much shorter lived.

The rain started here where we live at about 5pm Friday evening and didn't stop until Saturday around 10pm. The wind which was up to at least 60 miles per hour began at about 3am or at least thats when Brian and I awoke to some major dripping. We began laying as many towels as we could along our front windows to try and absorb some of the water.

By 6:45am we quickly learned it was a futile attempt. Still we worked hard to contain the water. We placed buckets and cups in as many strategic places as possible in order to keep the floor from getting more wet. We dried towels in the dryer then replaced the soaked ones but that only lasted until 9am when the power went out. After that, it went downhill fast.

We quickly learned Jayden's doors in his room were no match for the wind and rain and about 1/4 of his room flooded. Our room also was in big trouble and 1/2 of it flooded spreading into our bathroom. We moved beds to the middle of said rooms and waited it out.

The only time I felt myself losing it was when my bedroom ceiling began to leak which I can only attribute to all the missing shingles.

Once our power went out we had no way of knowing how the storm was moving or how much longer we would have to put up with it but luckily I have a grandmother in OK who has Fox News on constantly so I would get updates as often as my phone would allow them through. Thank you Grammy.

We played games, I learned poker, we read, took naps and tried to ignore the constant pouring in of water in 3 of our rooms.

Our front door got so wet it no longer opens and closes without a 200lb weight of force.

Our laminate flooring has all buckled and both carpets are saturated and rooms a wreck!

Thankfully Sunday our friends, who had their power restored loaned us their generator and dehumidifier to at least begin the drying process.

We became painfully aware of just how much this was all going to cost and how adoption money would have to be dipped into but you know what...?

We are alive, we are safe and our house is basically still in tact. We are able bodied people with the ability and means to take care of the mess and its all just "stuff" anyway. I am thankful beyond words for all the generosity of others especially the hot meal last night from David and Anna.

So, last night we are sitting in our living room and its 89 degrees, Brian and I are passing the time watching a movie on the laptop and suddenly a flicker. Was it?? Yes it was!!!! Lights, camera ACTION!!! We had power. And it was a beautiful thing. We were smiling and laughing and hugging each other. It was like a scene from a movie. We were all so thankful.

Today begins more of the clean up and hopefully good news from the insurance company. I hope and pray we never have to go through another hurricane but I am thankful for the experience. It has once again reminded me just how good we have it and how we are surrounded by an amazing community of people who love us!

Please continue to pray with us for the rest of the people hit by this hurricane who continue to be without power and who have sustained worse damage than us. Thanks!

Here are some pics of our little adventure and some I took on our way to church yesterday.

Be blessed, I am!

This photo album made with Smilebox

He is GOOD!!!!

I absolutely love this song and its one I sing to remind myself how good my God is.

I told someone this morning that we must be on the right path with this adoption because we have been met with so much resistance. Yet again there is a small delay but my God is LARGE and in charge and HIS timing is THE timing.

Despite the set backs I get excited as I allow myself to just rest. To be still. To know He is in control and to pray for His will, not my own.

Thank you Jesus for being so good to us and for your goodness in this whole situation.

Jared's Graduation~2011

Jayden, Me, Jared, my dad Richard, Brian and Jackson
Helping Jared get ready.
Jared with several of his friends.
Our family.
Jared and his best friend Tiana.

I still shake my head in disbelief that I have a child who's graduated. I still don't get that he'll be 18 in 2 weeks and I certainly am not ready for him to face the big bad world without me to protect him. But the reality is this-this time was always coming from the day I gave birth to him.

Jared may not have been born under the greatest of circumstances but he couldn't have been born into a more loving environment. I was only 20 years old and single. His "father" had really never been in the picture from the time I found out I was pregnant and I realized quickly I was on my own. Although my parents stepped in and picked up the slack there is nothing quite like being a couple in a situation like that.

I wasn't serving the Lord during that time of my life however towards the end of my pregnancy I began reading my bible a little bit starting with Genesis. Playing the name game alone isn't very much fun but my mom loved it and we tossed around all kinds of names for him like Aaron, James, Shelby, (I didn't know he was a boy), John, but then one evening as I sat reading my bible the name Jared just popped out at me and I knew that was what I was supposed to name him. In the bible, Jared was Enoch's father and Enoch was one who walked so closely with God and never tasted death. He simply wasn't there anymore. I loved that.

As long as I live I'll never forget his birthday. I went into labor at 3 in the afternoon. Nothing much really, more uncomfortable than anything else and when they admitted me at 6pm there was still not much going on and I started to think they might send me home. I remember being all alone hoping my mom would hurry up and get there and without warning I went into full blown labor with contractions coming every couple of minutes and they started to take me upstairs. I was terrified because I was by myself.
But then right as they were wheeling me into the elevator my mom was there.

It wasn't easy, not that its supposed to be but here's something funny. At about 10pm right in the thick of it my mom says "You know I'm not superstitious but it is Friday the 13th, maybe you could wait a couple of hours."
I was like "Are you kidding me? I don't care what the date is, he needs to get here!!"
So, fast forward 2 hours and she actually turns to me and says "OK, its 12:01, anytime you're ready to have that kid."
Of course at the time it was too intense to fully appreciate just how funny that was but shortly after and all these years later I still laugh about it.

There he was laying in his little bassinet and all I could do was look. All I could do was wonder how on earth could I possibly love someone so much I had just met. I was full to over flowing. It took my breath away.

And less than 2 years later God, in His amazingness provided a daddy for Jared and a husband for me. I never could have imagined in all I had done, in all the terrible ways I had lived that I would be worthy of such a precious gift. Thank God its never something we have to earn. I didn't deserve it but He gave it to me anyway. Brian was immediately wonderful with Jared, as if he had been there from the beginning. The first time I heard Jared call Brian "daddy" I thought my heart would explode. To this day I am always overcome with emotion as I recall how God had His hand in it all even though I couldn't have been farther from Him.
This is why I am such an advocate for being a praying parent. I know I was covered as a result of my mom's obedience to pray for her children.

It hasn't always been like that since then. There have been good times and bad times. But they are always overcome because we love like a family is supposed to love. Unconditionally.

The emotion surrounding these last few weeks has been, at times overwhelming as its forced me to recall all we've been through since Jared was born. I've had moments where I simply couldn't breathe when I think how this chapter is ending and a new one is beginning and in no time at all he won't even be living in my house. I won't be there to protect him when he gets hurt. But I also realized all this time I've been preparing him for exactly this. That has been my role these past 18 years. It doesn't mean I don't get to parent him anymore, it just means I might be doing it a little more silently.

It's Jared's time and I have to let go. It's time for him to fly away on his own and I have to take comfort knowing I did the best I could and with God's grace and mercy he will be OK.

Where we are and how we are...This ones for you Mollie.

I had a friend ask me recently where we are in our process and how we are doing. Thanks to Mollie, I am taking a moment to blog which I realize I haven't been very good at lately.

We have had a few ups and downs in the last 4 weeks and a glitch or two which were really upsetting. In fact, we had to wait about 2 weeks while the agencies involved decided if we could even continue our journey. I am not going to post those details however if you ask me in person I will happily share them with you. In fact as this goes along and we meet more and more people going through this process we will be able to encourage others because of what happened with us.

In the beginning of this wait period I was beside myself as was Brian. But then I was quickly reminded Who was in control and Who planted this in our hearts and I rested. Now this didn't mean that I didn't think about it daily or ask Brian if they had called yet but I had full confidence in knowing it was out of my hands and I could rest in the One Who held it.

It was interesting too, because one of my best friends asked me if I was going to call and defend myself to one of the board members of our adoption agency because we are related and I said "No, God is my defender" and I meant every word and had full confidence that no matter how things looked God knows our hearts. 1 Samuel 16:7

While on vacation last week word came back YES! You are fine, here's what you need to do...etc.

So, to the question where we are? We are still gathering some more paperwork needed to complete our home study and should be setting a date for our final interview with our social worker hopefully by the end of June. YAY!!!

How we are? We are amazing! Yes, we had a couple of melt downs but I can honestly say after crying for about 10 minutes I placed it in God's very capable hands and rested in His promises.

I sent out a text to my friend Tracy whom I met at adoption class to pray and she did. (I don't have your number Mollie or you would have gotten one too)

I leaned on several amazing friends here who are huge support to us and just prayed.

It did serve to remind me that you cannot do this alone. Support is everything and knowing others who are going through it is also a huge plus because they understand every step and know how crazy it can be.

Thank you thank you thank you for all your prayers and support. Please keep them coming because we are long way from being finished but we know we are on God's timetable, not our own and that gives us even more peace while on this journey.

Blessings!

A Crazy God Blessed Life.

There is only one word to describe our life over the past 8 weeks. CRAZY!!

The week before Jayden's 12th birthday we went to see this house after Brian's boss had seen some pictures online. He had asked us if we were still looking to move. The truth at that moment was NO! We were happy where we were and had no interest of battling the banks to try and get a loan after we had been denied in November. We figured this was where God wanted us and were quite content.

Still, it did spike our interest especially since it was a log home and a foreclosure that had never been lived in. So, we went. Admittedly it was overwhelming as to how far it was from where we currently lived but even from the outside we loved what we saw. Then we went in. WOW! That's all we walked around saying. We just couldn't believe that it was a foreclosure. It sits on an acre and a half of land and there are only 2 other houses on the other 8 and a half acres. There is also a creek about a minutes walk from the house which we would have full access to for fishing, kayaking etc. So, a week later we made an offer. Well, if you've ever dealt with a foreclosure then you know its a game to see who wins. When it was all said and done I know we won.

Then all the fun really began. That week I broke my arm and life was kind of on hold. So was the house especially when we were denied again. I really just felt that it wasn't God's timing and I wasn't about to get in the way of that so I told Brian we should take a step back. We let our realtor know the situation who in turn let the bank holding the house know and lets just say they wouldn't take NO for an answer. They started all kinds of wheels in motion while Brian and I sat back not knowing which way to go or what decision was right.

Meanwhile I still have a broken arm, we are going from adoption class to social worker interviews, homeschooling, church, work yada yada yada yada.

It just kept on and on, the bank trying to get us financed kept saying we will have an answer in a few days, a few days turned into a few weeks and before we knew it, it was almost the end of March. Brian and I went back and forth wondering, praying, seeking counsel, weighing all our options. Is this our house? If they approve us do we still want it? What about the location? What about our adoption? Could we put all this money down on a house and still find money to complete our adoption? The questions and concerns just wouldn't let up. One minute we would think we had the "final" answer only to come to the next minute and feel like we were drowning. We would rock back and forth between rest and doubt. Then one morning about a week before they came back with a decision it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I just prayed and asked God to cause the choices we make to line up with His will. That is all we wanted. I just had immediate peace and knew that is what would happen. I text Brian who, as the head of our home was struggling because he didn't want to make a wrong decision. I told him how precisely I had prayed for us and the whole house situation and we both just breathed a sigh of relief. 6 days later they called us to say we would be closing 2 days later.

At this point not one box was packed but thankfully we had 30 days until we had to be out of our rental. The whirlwind began the day after closing, Brian and I went to clean the house and pull up the vinyl flooring in the laundry room and downstairs bathroom. Considering the house had been vacant since they finished building it wasn't as dirty as we thought it would be. That same weekend Brian and Jared laid tile in both those rooms and by Sunday afternoon the boys and I took our first load of "stuff" out there.

Monday thru Thursday we took load after load and on Friday the movers came to move all the big items. It was the first time we've ever hired movers but it was so worth it.

So, here we are a week later, we're all unpacked and slowly getting things hung up and put where they need to go. It'll be a work in progress for awhile but we've got nothing but time at this point. We have been so overwhelmed by everything. We simply feel undeserving but know how good our God is. We thank Him daily for this amazing opportunity and will cherish every moment we are blessed to live in this house.

For all of you who have been asking for pics below is a slide show of how the house currently looks. It's pretty basic but it will give you an idea of what it looks like. I hope you enjoy.

Scrapbook personalized with Smilebox

Faith in WHAT?!

Brian and I were watching old episodes of LA Ink yesterday while the boys were skating. I am completely fascinated with tattoos and tattooing.

The thing I like the most about LA Ink is they tell you all the stories of the clients and the reason for the tattoo.

A beautiful woman came in the shop and was getting her first tattoo from Corey (who is no longer on the show) of the word Faith on the inside of her wrist. Anytime anyone gets anything "christiany" I wait with expectancy for the reason why.

Now, at first look you would think this woman was a model. It turns out she is a WWE Raw wrestler. She then went on to explain how no one ever said she could make it as a wrestler or believed in her and she said but I went out and I proved them all wrong because I had FAITH that I could do it! So I sat there waiting for the climax of that statement. I knew what I wanted it to be. I wanted her to say because of my Faith in God I knew I could do it.

But that isn't what she meant at all. She had faith in herself. I was disheartened.

Later as Brian and I were on our way to small group it hit me that just as people use the term "I'm a Christian" yet live their own way Monday through Saturday I'm hearing that word faith thrown around so loosely more and more.

They are having "faith" in just about anything but God these days.

Faith in their careers, faith in their spouse, faith in their family or friends, faith in the future, faith in finances, faith in their Pastor or church. And most of all Faith in THEMSELVES!!!

In small doses faith in these "things" isn't all bad but at the end of the day if we don't have Faith in God none of those "things" matter. They aren't what saves us.

And as believers we have to be ever vigilant and aware of who we are really putting our Faith in.

Hebrews 11:6 And without FAITH it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

So, examine yourself (I know I am), who or what do you really have faith in?

Arrogance, Pharisee's and God's love.

A small yet profound revelation for me this morning as I was praying.

God is not mad at me. I have heard it said more times than I can count not to mention all the sermons with that exact title preached.

But when you realize it for yourself it is something quite different.

I was a Pharisee for years.

Always comparing myself with others and what they were or weren't doing. If you're a christian at any level, I know you can relate to this statement.

I had myself so convinced God was either mad or disappointed with me most of the time. Therefore, if I looked at someone and they were doing things that were worse then God was more mad at them than me, and I could breathe a little easier. Some logic huh?

Then this morning as I was praying for myself, family, church, friends etc.

And I can't explain why but honestly I don't care b/c of the freedom it has brought.

He isn't mad at anyone.

Sad maybe.

But not mad.

God is love.

He loves me, He loves you.

He wants you and will do whatever He can to get you.

He loves the rapist.

He loves the adulterer.

He loves the porn star.

He loves the stay at home mom.

He loves the gang leader.

He loves the drug addict.

He loves the pastor.

He loves the man/woman who is cheating on their taxes.

He loves the homosexual living in sin.

He loves the broken and the hurting.

He is there with open arms waiting to heal the hurt and bring peace and comfort to me, you and anyone else who will let Him.

In my arrogance I never got this before. I am no better or worse than anyone of the above. I am just in need of my Father's love, forgiveness and acceptance.

Read Luke 18:9-14

Romans 2:4 is one of my favorite verses.

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?

Something else I forgot. Just because I repented and came into relationship with Jesus doesn't mean I never have to repent again. His love and kindness in my life gently shows me other things (sins) in my life that I need to repent of. My heart is bursting with all God is teaching me. I feel so blessed.

As a result of my revelation the Pharisee in me will die and I will walk in freedom.

More importantly, I can now be more effective in helping others see the goodness of God regardless of where they are in life.

He is waiting with open arms, all we have to do is fall into His embrace.

Happy New Year and Fear of the Unknown

Happy New Year!!! Once again it's hard to believe another year has come and gone but here we are ready to start anew.

This can be a really hard time for some people. As we watched the ball drop last night I felt a lump in my throat and fought back the tears as a twinge of anxiety surfaced. See for years I battled depression and anxiety. Most of which are due to me being a control freak and worrier.

As I've grown in my relationship with Jesus I have truly begun to grasp the concept that I don't have to worry about anything. I have literally had moments of pure elation when I realize that even death itself is nothing to fear. Of course those moments quickly pass by and I have to remind myself what I was worrying about. Have you ever been there?

All worrying is is the concept of thinking you are controlling everything and/or everyone in your life. For instance, when I go places with other people I always like to drive because then I am in control of getting to said place safely. It's the exact reason I don't like to fly. I can't see where I am going and someone else is at the controls.

But thats just it. I know the saying "Is God your Pilot" cliche but its so true. Is he?

The reality is we are not in control of anything except ourselves and how we are responding to God's call in our lives. And His basic call to all of His children is to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind etc. and to love others. The rest is gravy. He promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. Hebrew 13:5 So, do I do you really believe that or don't we? I know one thing is for sure. He is not a man that He can lie so if that is what He says then that is what is true. Which means no matter how we feel about this new year and all the unknowns God will be there to walk us through all of it.

I feel blessed to have learned that once I recognize I am worrying I breathe a prayer of thankfulness that God has it under control and is guiding and directing my steps.

Psalm 37:23-24 says The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.

I love what this says. All you need to do is delight in His way and even when you do fall He upholds you with His hand. That is just beautiful to me.

So trust in this promise and just wait, peace will follow and you will be blown away by it.

I challenge you today. Rest in God's truths not just for this New Year but for all the New Year's to come and may 2011 bring us even closer to Jesus.

Right where I am

I live in NC. I have purpose here. Sometimes I wonder though. I am homesick, to the point of breathlessness right now. How is it, when life is already so short my family is somehow called to be on the other side of the country?

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

I think that says it all.

When I realize that as I go about my life with my heart being fully committed to God and focused on Him then even when I feel purposeless His plans are prevailing.

I have these times when I question and doubt and wonder how this little seemingly insignificant life I lead has any purpose but thats just it, my heart is truly devoted to God and if this is where He wants me, doing just what I am doing right now then OK!

I think too often we compare ourselves with what others are doing. We sit and think well Christine Caine has been ministering in 4 countries in the last 2 weeks, or Francis Chan is starting yet another church in California and Nicky Cruz just had his 2,000th crusade. But I/you haven't been called to be Christine, Francis or Nicky. I've been called to be ME! I have to remind myself that just because I am not jet setting around the globe that somehow my life isn't as significant. God loves me and can use me right where I am as long as my heart is devoted to Him for His purposes and not my own.

Thankfulness: It's an attitude

Lately I find my youngest constantly complaining about everything. It doesn't matter what it is, he finds a reason to complain. My standard response lately has been "Wow,it's never enough is it?" I wonder as I utter those words and even now as I write this does God feel this way? Do the lives we live out before Him and before others in our so-called Christian life scream out I want more, this isn't enough!! I have to ask myself what example have I set for my son and others that shows there is reason to complain. Because the truth is, there is nothing I or anyone anywhere in America has anything to complain about. But our pathetic culture has told us we do. We are bombarded daily with the subtle reminders of all we are missing in our lives. That if we buy into the lie it will make things complete and we will finally have peace.
But I have found the truth, thankfully! The truth is Gods rest is all I need. The peace that comes with knowing all I am and all I'll ever be is wrapped up in Him. That He holds me in the palm of His hand and true rest is found in knowing I have no control because He has all of it and He will never leave me.
Now, if I can only convey this to my son.
Try an attitude of thankfulness, you have nothing to lose and there is so much to be thankful for!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Choose this day

My friend Shirley, over at Thinking Out Loud inspired me to write this:
Joshua 24
The people were being challenged by Joshua to choose, if serving THE God wasn't something they desired then they should choose a god. Maybe one their forefathers worshiped or the gods of the land they were currently living and then Joshua declared "But me and my family, we will serve THE GOD!!" How often do children ride on their parents' faith? I've done it and seen it. The parents responsibility is to live their relationship with Jesus out loud all the while encouraging their children to seek Him for themselves. The younger you can encourage this the better. My children cannot have a relationship with God through me just like I can't have a relationship with God through my pastor or b/c I go to church every week. Authentic relationship with the Father requires digging into His word and seeking His truth for your life. James 1:5 says If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.
He will give it, but will you take it?
It requires submitting when He convicts your spirit. You can't say you want God's truth in your life yet refuse to submit. Or think that can't be for me. I've had countless conversations with Him when He has convicted me. Why do I have to give up this or that? Why? Because it hinders you being closer to me. It hinders you being all that you can be spiritually. It leads to more temptation which, when given in to leads to more guilt and shame. You risk becoming de-sensitized to all the things the world says are OK. I want to be all I can for Christ. I want to be what John 15 talks about with the Vine and the branches. I want Jesus to remain in me. I am convinced I can do nothing apart from Him so if that means cutting things off that distract or take away from all I can be then let the pruning begin even if that means I'm a little uncomfortable and a little different according to what the world (even the Christian world) says. As Craig Groeschel often says "I'd rather be considered weird b/c normal is what everyone else is doing and I don't want to look like everyone else."

Victory at Jimmy Johns

Our kid did it!! He landed himself a job at this place.
It was cool the way it happened too. Brian asked me to take him by there at 2 yesterday because thats when the manager was going to be there. Jared had himself convinced he would walk in and walk out in 2 seconds since that is what had been happening at other places up to this point. But he walked in and 1 minute later he text me to say the manager was about to sit and chat with him. As a mom I felt disappointed because he could have been dressed better but thats just the type-A in me. Anyway, an hour later he came out smiling and said things went really well and he felt he'd connected with both managers. They told Jared to call them back if he hadn't heard anything by next Tuesday. I felt dejected by this but he vowed when he got home to continue to pursue other positions until something clicked.
We had barely walked in the door when the phone rang and Jared was shouting my name like a giddy school girl. "I GOT THE JOB!!!!"
He starts today as the mom in me groans, we've hit another milestone which makes us that much closer to saying good-bye and him starting his own life independent of us.
Well, after he pays all the medical bills. Thank God for stupid decisions that keep my kid close for a little longer. :0)

The Wall will Always Win!!!

Jared is desperately trying to find a job. The word desperate might not be part of that last sentence if it wasn't for this:


This all started May 29th 2010. After making an incorrect assumption (you know what they say when you assume right?) he got mad and punched the side of our house. Its half brick, half siding. He hit the siding. After receiving the call from my hubby I raced home and angrily ordered him in the car without opening the door for him I might add. Wincing in pain and trying to balance a bag of frozen peas on his hand he got in the car and I sped to the hospital. Not because it was really that big of an emergency but because I was so angry. Clearly, I was not resting in God but instead allowing myself to be controlled by the situation.

Once there we quickly learned it was indeed fractured and given a referral to see Ortho in a week. Being the impatient mom that I am I waited until Monday and called for an appointment. They got us in the next day. I can tell you right now, I was not prepared for what happened next. The doc explained he would need 3 pins to put Jared's hand back together because he had not only broken it in 3 places but had also dislocated it. Surgery was scheduled for the next day.

It went off without a hitch and a week later we were back to have the pins looked at and to have a hard cast put on.





Ok, so this is great. 4 weeks in a cast, the pins will come out then 2 more weeks in another cast and life will return to normal.

Oh, how wrong I was. The pins came out alright and infection set in.
We were at the lake with some friends and July 5th Jared was still complaining of some pain in his hand. We really didn't think anything of it, just that it was all part of the healing process. Then he said well I have this red streak running up my arm and I'm no doctor but even I know that is a sign of blood poisoning. We took him to the ER and they hooked him up to an IV antibiotic and sent us on our way.
The next day Brian and Jared had to drive 2 hours from the lake house to his Ortho Doc and then spent the rest of the day fighting with the insurance company and waiting to get an MRI. The doc told us that he needed the MRI to make sure the infection hadn't spread to his bones. When Brian called and told me that we all got together and prayed for God to do His thing. When they got back to us at the lake house Brian said they would call us with the results in the morning and if there was infection immediate surgery would be needed. I believed for nothing less than God's best which in my opinion was no infection and I had no doubt that was what we would hear when they called.
When they called and said to come in as soon as you can because we need to prep him for surgery my heart sank. I am proud to say I didn't lose it though. Although I had no idea it was about to get even worse.

During surgery prep the next morning they were explaining what the procedure would involve. They had found infection on both the fourth and fifth bones and literally would be going in to scrub those bones. We immediately began texting everyone we knew to pray. I was expectant that once he got in there it wouldn't be as bad as they originally thought. God is amazing. 30 minutes later they were done and said once they got in there they only saw infection on the fifth finger and had sent the biopsy off to microbiology. He explained it like this: the faster it grows the worse bug it is. Less than 24 hours later it had grown into a pretty nasty staph infection which now meant infectious disease had to be brought in. My head was spinning. All we wanted to do was go home. But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. You see now that they knew what strain it was they determined it had to be treated with IV antibiotics. Which meant we had to wait until they got a pic/mid line in him and, since it was Friday there was no one to come home with us and show us how to administer all that we had to wait until Monday. UGH!!!

So, Monday came and went as did all the home health visits followed by trips to physical therapy and the infectious disease doc and here we are today. Stitches are all out and he is left with 2 really nasty looking scars and thousands in medical bills (which by the way we are making him pay hence the desperation for a job) which will forever remind him when you punch a wall the wall always wins.