Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Beauty and Devastation that is Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate, well Mothers. Its a day where, if you're lucky you get a little extra attention, lunch out, hopefully no housework and if you're really lucky some pretty sweet girly presents.

However, for the many of us who are without our moms its the one day we dread. Its the one day a year that the world just screams at you "YOU DON'T HAVE A MOM!"

When my mom first left us in '03 I navigated that first year of holidays pretty numb. I don't even really remember any of those first holidays except Christmas. And as the years went on they did get easier and easier, all except Mother's Day. That day has never gotten any easier and for several years in a row I would just suffer through it. I remember one year in particular. It was the fourth year she had been gone and I was in the shower getting ready for church. The emotion was overwhelming for me and I remember it was the first time I had ever cursed while praying. It makes me smile when I think about it now. God saw my frailty in that moment and understood my pain even more than I did. I'd like to be able to say that the day eventually got better but it didn't. I was miserable.
I remember a friend saying to me once, "But, Rachel you are mom." Yes I know this. But I had a mom much longer than I was a mom. And with the rest of our family being very fragmented and no relationship with my dad my mom was all I really had to lean on. It isn't like I had this perfect mom and I'm pretty sure after almost 10 years of her being gone my memory is somewhat skewed. But none of that matters. She was my mom. I loved her fiercely. I miss her terribly. There are no words to explain just how deep the pain is.
However, I can also tell you just how great my God is. I can tell you that He really is a Father to the fatherless. I have learned so many amazing lessons. God has provided some amazing women to speak into my life since her death.
Nothing will ever be the same as my own mother. I still have crippling moments. Moments where I cry out in an agony that feels physical, wishing I could have just five minutes with her to tell her  everything that is going on. But I can't. So, I stay at the pity party a few minutes longer then I get on with the amazing life God blessed me with.

In the end, the beauty far outweighs the devastation. Just look at those kids! I am so blessed!!!