It's not as negative as in years past, in fact I have found I am finally able to talk about her without falling apart.
Progress, I like it.
This past mothers day was also different than all the ones since she died. For the first time I found myself able to be celebrated instead of just putting on a happy face for the kids all the while I'm silently grieving.
When we sat together after her death discussing her memorial service we were all somewhat in a daze. It seems funny to me even now, I mean here we are grieving beyond belief and now we have to make all kinds of decisions.
When we reached the part about the music it was easy. Mom had sung in all church choirs where we had attended since before I was born so it was only natural to have a full choir.
From out of nowhere I said I wanted to sing. One of her favorite songs written by her then choir director Orlando Juarez was Face to Face. To those of you who know me now this is no big thing. Because thats what I do, SING!
But 8 years ago, that was something I'd given very little thought to. Even though I had started singing at age 5 and been in every church choir until the age of 12 I hadn't used my talent since then.
I had somehow bought into the thought pattern that all my years running from the things of God had robbed me of the voice God had given me.
However, several months before something had been stirring in me and I'd asked mom to start giving me some tips on how to start singing again.
But with her illness progressing it just didn't seem to be a priority.
So when I spoke up regarding singing at her service it was as if someone else was saying it. I knew which song and I knew I wanted my mom's sister, Holly to sing with me. So I never really gave it a second thought.
Holly and I barely practiced the song but when the time came there was no fear or anxiety at all. As we went up to sing I closed my eyes, lifted my hands and sang the song from my heart and to my mom. It was the most beautiful moment since she had died.
Since that time I've truly found my voice. I've given my gift back to God and gotten involved where I've felt I've been called to serve.
Loss is never an easy thing to go through but God's promises are always true. And what the enemy meant for evil God turned around for my good and His glory.
Face to Face
Face to face with you in your love and mercy
Sheltered by your glory As I stand face to face with you
Amazing grace surrounds me Songs of praise stir within me
I lift my hands in praise Sin no longer holds me
Captured by your grace I stand before you holy
Thankful for your love oh the joy of sweet communion
There will always be a song of praise within my heart
as I stand Face to Face.