Saturday, May 26, 2012

Catching up, a Referral and Waiting...

I've realized there are lots of holes in this journal of mine.

I've never been that great about keeping up with a journal, even when I was a kid.

However, if for no other reason than to look back some day and see how things all came together I have to be better at this blog.

Since my last post so much has happened I'm not sure where to start.

How about we start at the end and go back? Sounds good to me.

This quick part is actually future but I had to mention it. Jackson Scott Maciaszek will turn 15 on MONDAY!!! I can't even hardly believe it. You would think I could believe it by now, I mean I've been making that statement for the past almost 19 years of Jared's life. I think acceptance is what I need to embrace at this point. I am so proud of Jackson and the young man he is turing into. He loves God with everything in him and is sweet and compassionate. He's once again playing basketball for the summer and spends hours outside as well as hours on the computer doing what he can to improve his performance.

Jack and Jay had end of grade testing this past week and both said they felt confident they did well. Since they are home schooled all the testing does is show me areas they need improvement. Its not like I'm going to make them repeat a grade or anything like that.

I was sick this past week. And I mean the WHOLE week. Sicker than I've been in over 2 years. It started as, what I thought was allergies on Sunday. But by the time I woke up Monday morning I knew I was in trouble. I wouldn't have been quite as put out by getting sick except I started my new job Tuesday. Yes, you heard right, a job. I'm baby sitting a 3 month old 4 days a week. So Tuesday I went to the doc just to see how bad it was. He said he couldn't nail it down to one specific thing so did a full blood work up just to see if there was any infection present. There wasn't. Which means I just had to ride the wave while my body did its thing to fight back. Everyday I just got worse and worse. Today is 6 days since its inception and I'm starting to think I'm on the tail end of it but we'll see.

Brian, Jackson, Jayden and I helped with fund raisers at ECU Baseball concessions most of April and May. The money we raise will help the youth kids go to YFN in Texas in July.

And to my food stuffs. Through my friend Linda I've been able to talk to her sister, Lori who is a nutritionist. That has been excellent and so helpful. Things have been going really well. Last night for the first time in over 8 weeks I allowed myself some pizza and ice cream and it was delish and the best stomach ache.
My lifestyle is pretty regimented. Breakfast is a bowl of fruit. Lunch is salad or sometimes some Ezekiel bread with almond butter and real fruit jam. Dinner is pretty much always a salad with lots of good stuff on it. Throughout the day I snack on nuts, drink about 16 oz fresh carrot/apple juice.
I still stay away from dairy, sugar, and meat. The meals I eat are small, I drink a ton of water, take probiotics and digestive enzymes every day. I've kept the weight off which is nice and besides being sick this week I finally feel like I'm gaining some ground and feeling good.
I would recommend anyone try this. Whether you have health issues or not, I just think this is a great way to eat.

And by far the biggest news!
Brian and I received a referral.
We had to say no. It was a very emotional 24 hours. Heres what happened.
It was a Tuesday afternoon about 3 weeks ago. Our agency called and said they had a referral if we would be interested in looking at it. She said her special needs were not on our list but we could consider her anyway. Of course I said YES and said please send me the email. She explained we had 72 hours to make a decision. WOW, no pressure right? Not to mention but we weren't even home during most of this. We were at the baseball field setting up the concession stands.
I called Brian and let him know. I also called a specialist in this area. His name is Dr. Kolb and he is an amazing man. He is an international adoption consultant for just this specialty. He and his wife have adopted 5 kids from China with special needs in 5 years. His fee is nominal and for that he takes all the information, analyzes it, does a phone consultation, a written report and should you accept the referral walks through it all with you. He doesn't tell you what he thinks you should do, he simply tells you all you can expect based on the information given. And the truth is these reports are not that great. They are very basic and that makes it even harder.
Brian and I stepped away from our concession stands and sat on some steps and prayed before we even opened the email.
And then we opened it. As soon as I saw her face I started to cry. Not because I could see what was wrong with her but because here was a precious little girl who just needed a mom and dad to love and care for her. And I so wanted to be that. We did our best to understand all we could, closed the email and then forwarded it to Dr. Kolb and our own pediatrician here in town. And we waited. And we prayed.
The basics of what we knew about her was this: she had been born with Hydrocephalus which in lay terms is water on the brain. We did our own google search but knew we needed to hear from the expert. So we waited.
He said he would call Wednesday morning between 10 and 11 and I could hardly breathe in anticipation.
But all the while I waited I had a peace. And then the phone rang. And there he was on the other end and Brian was there too and we listened to all he said. He took over an hour with us, talking and explaining all he saw on her report and I knew. Brian knew. Before either of us asked the other we both knew. And there was peace. The peace God talks about in His word, the peace that passes all understanding. It was there. It was all over my heart. Even though I wanted her so desperately I knew she needed something I could never give her. She was too sick. I was heartbroken for her.
We let her go.
Wait with confident expectation. Isn't that God had said? Our little girl, who ever she is, will be coming home soon and all this waiting will be like a dream.
So, we moved on from that moment. I pray for her and pray for the family who will be able to take her home and give her all she needs and I have no guilt, only a peace that my God, the true author of adoption, gives His beloved children.

While I'm Waiting by John Waller is such a great song that reminds me what to do while I wait.