Yes, things really are going well but heres the other side.
I don't want to do this.
I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I know, for anyone who has struggled with eating issues or being over weight (even if its just 10 pounds) they can relate to this statement. But it goes way deeper than that for me. Can you imagine what its like to wonder every single time you put something in your mouth, "Is this gonna make me sick?" Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. And the 8 out of 10 times that I do get sick its awful! And to add fuel to an already existing forrest fire I have a food addiction. Whew, there I said it. Maybe I said it earlier and just forgot but there now I know I really said it.
I need to back up for a minute. This whole thing really started about a month and a half ago when a friend and I really looked at our eating issues and got really honest about our struggles. I'm sure most of you are thinking skinny girls don't have eating issues. I am here to assure you they do. Mine wasn't anorexia/bulimia etc., not that I didn't think about it mind you. Mine was an inability to exercise any self control with regard to what I ate/when I ate etc. I had even begun hiding food and purposely eating things I knew would make me sick. That really spoke to me once I realized what I was really doing. At first I tried to convince myself I was just doing it so the kids wouldn't eat all my favorite treats. But when I found myself sneaking in there for "just one" several times a day I knew I was in trouble.
I had heard of the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and picked one up for me and my friend and also got the devotional. They are both great and we are working through them together. The focus of the book is that we are made to crave...God not food or really whatever addiction you have in your life. You can fill in the blank anyway you want. I really like the book and look forward to reading it everyday, it highlighted and underlined and its really helped me to re-think why I make the choices I do regarding food and how I can alter my thinking. So, whats the (com)plain truth?
I'm jealous. I am mad that I have to do this juice thing. I am mad that all these people around me can eat whatever they want and not get sick. Maybe I am mad at the doctors that they couldn't fix me with a pill I could take daily so I wouldn't get sick and could eat whatever I want everyday. I am mad that I am mad instead of just putting on my big girl panties and walking through this juice fast/feast with a good attitude instead of struggling every step. BREATHE...
The word struggle means to make forceful or violent attempts to get free of restraint or constriction. I also looked it up in the greek. The word in the greek is agonizomai and it means to strive or to contend for a prize.
When I think about it I am making a pretty forceful attempt to heal my body and feel better.
I have been too caught up in the negative meaning of this word struggle when its actually a positive thing. Now the truth is I can struggle well which is what I need to work towards since this is a life style change and not just a 21 day juice fast and then back to the same old same old.
I am striving for something better. I am contending for a prize. The prize, first and foremost a better relationship with my creator and secondly health and wellness. Those are pretty amazing prizes. Hebrews 12:1 says to throw off every weight that hinders us and to run the good race.
I can't run a good race being sick all the time or allowing my addictions to win. I have to make forceful and violent attempts to break free. And that is just what I am going to do!
Thank you Jesus for pointing the way. For your truth in the midst of battle. And for the reminder that you love me the way I am but love me too much to leave me that way. Amen.
