I have, I do. I know I want to burn my shelf. I am working on it.
This is a reality that, although I've known off and on my whole Christian life, became even more painfully apparent as I've walked this journey called Adoption.
You see, before we even began this process I had spent hours pouring over blogs and websites. Reading stories and watching videos of "Gotcha day's" and seeing all the fantasy and romance that comes from just the simple thought of rescuing a child. Then once our own journey actually began we sat 2 weeks in a row through adoption class and met several amazing couples also on their own journey. Three of those couples we are now forever joined to. Those three couples received their referrals (being matched with their child) quickly and what seemed in my pathetic mind, effortlessly.
Our dossier was complete, it was in China. Where's our referral? Where God where?? One week turned into 2 and 2 turned into 4 and 4 weeks is suddenly 3 months waiting. Waiting and wondering. Turning down kids b/c their special needs are too severe. Taking God off and putting Him back on the shelf in times of crisis. Crying out, I don't want to do this anymore. I am DONE!!!! What do you want from us??? What do you want from ME??? What am I missing??
I was missing HIM!!! The whole time I was so focused on the end goal I forgot about the ONE who planted the dream in the first place.
Focus on ME Rachel, I am here for you. I am not going anywhere, remember? I told you to wait with confident expectation. I am your HOPE I am your STRENGTH!!!! Put your eyes back and me and stop trying to control everything!!!!!!! I heard HIM. Through all the noise in my head I finally heard HIM. It was beautiful! And there, right there in THAT moment I became totally surrendered.
TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS. BE NOT WISE IN YOUR OWN EYES, FEAR THE LORD AND SHUN EVIL. THIS WILL BRING HEALTH TO YOUR BODY AND NOURISHMENT TO YOUR BONE.
See the part about not being wise in your own eyes? When you try and control things yourself, leaving God out of the equation thats what you're doing. Fear the Lord, shun evil. Now I know it sounds a little harsh to say being wise in your own eyes, controlling things and forgetting God is evil but it is! It brings nothing but anxiety, lack of peace and turmoil. I don't know about you, but I feel completely unsettled when I'm in the drivers seat. These last few days since my own break through have been amazing. This doesn't mean I'm still not checking my email once an hour or racing to the phone when I hear it ring. What it does mean is that I am completely OK knowing things will be when God says they'll be and not a moment before. And you know what? I don't want it a moment before.
I feel blessed to have experienced this revelation and so thankful people never get in God's way. Like, we didn't somehow miss out on "our daughter" b/c I was being an idiot. God is so much bigger than any of that and I'm so excited to watch my shelf fall!
MY SON DO NOT LET WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING OUT OF YOUR SIGHT, PRESERVE SOUND JUDGMENT AND DISCRETION. THEY WILL BE LIFE FOR YOU, AN ORNAMENT TO GRACE YOUR NECK.