This is a line from a poem written by Alexander Pope in the 1700's. I'm not really into poetry but thought it appropriate because that is what I strive to do everyday. HOPE!
Without hope, despair will set in and eventually... you give up.
I have personally experienced this course in my own life more than a decade ago when I succumbed to the bouts of depression. Instead of continuing in battle, I gave up. It turned out to be the best thing I could have done at that time. I slowly but surely gave up my will and entered into a place of surrendering to God's will. Through medication and some counseling I was bettered.
I don't ever think you ever fully get over something like that, however you choose to live in a different manner. Especially if you want healing to be a permanent fixture in your life. I did. So, I chose. Sometimes I have to choose hourly. Sometimes I don't choose and that's when you'll find me in the fetal position crying out for help. There's the difference though. Now, I cry for help. Because when I am weak, then I am STRONG! Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world. I will not be defeated, I will have the victory because Jesus is my redeemer and He is truth!!!
Why do I dredge up part of my painful past?
As Brian and I were making our way to bed Monday evening we saw an email come through from our agency. It caught me by surprise because it was late. I thought my heart skipped a beat. I pulled up the information about this newest little girl including 4 pictures.
I knew almost right away we would once again have to say no. I forwarded the information to our doctor with my own analysis (something the paperwork did not tell us) and laid down. Like a surge of electricity through a power line, a surge of hope made its way through my disappointed heart and I found myself smiling.
This adoption has been anything but what we thought it was going to be. Our agency is sending us referrals of children whose needs are not even close to being on our list of what we can handle.
We are tired. Tired of saying no. Tired of our thoughts and feeling not being acknowledged. Tired of the unknown. But we are not tired of trusting in an everlasting God whose promises are never to leave us or forsake us.
This adoption is not about us, its about God getting the glory. Its about whatever He wants us to learn throughout this journey. Its about being an example to others in the hard times. (I think I fail more than I have success in this area)
Its not about feelings or goose bumps but about real people with a real heart to make a real difference.
I want so much to see our little girl (whoever she is) come home sooner rather than later. But more than that, I want my relationship with God to be as real as it can be so I can do all He wants me to do, instead of all I want to do!
Please pray, today I feel unable and inadequate. I haven't really dug in his word in a week. Prayer has even been hard. Lift us up. Lift me up. And if you feel led, call me and pray with me. I will not say no!
Love and blessings to all of you. We could never walk this road without you or your support!!
