Sunday, September 22, 2013

Happy Birthday Jenna Grace, a few thoughts about your birth mother.

I wanted so much to post something on Jenna Grace's actual birthday but was worried I will not be able to articulate just what I am feeling. But here goes anyway...

Despite how overjoyed we are to have our daughter home with us I am acutely aware of another mother. She is thousands of miles away. And while we spent the majority of this day laughing, taking pictures, opening presents and eating cupcakes I felt a heaviness thinking about her. Is she happy? What is her world like these days? How is she feeling knowing just 2 short years ago she left her, just days old baby girl wrapped in a blanket with a packet of milk next to her to be found by orphanage workers. Knowing she would never ever know what would become of this precious little girl who has already given us so much joy. The tears well up in my eyes as I type and my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. I feel such brokenness for her. I can't even imagine for one second what she went through. Did she agonize over her choice or was it a split second decision once Jenna Grace was born and she saw the huge mark on her face. Or did it have nothing to do with that? Was it simply because she wasn't a boy? I wish I could spend just 5 minutes with this woman and look into her eyes, hold her hands and tell her that her little girl is OK. That she lights up any room she is in with her smile and contagious laugh. How at just 2 years old and only 3 months in America she can say more than 20 words and tries more and more every day. How she loves and hugs and kisses and responds with "love you" when it is said to her. How she will run and play and goodness the girl can eat. How happy she is. How wonderful she is. How she has captured our hearts and taken over our lives in an amazing way. I wish I could wrap my arms around this woman and tell her its OK and there is no judgment in the choice she made. Only love. I love this woman for allowing me to have a daughter. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be typing this. I pray she finds peace, comfort and most of all Jesus. I know I will never meet her but every year and probably much more than that I will be heavy with a grief knowing she is missing this. I will always pray for her and my hope is to fill Jenna Grace with loving thoughts of her birth mother.

Happy Birthday Jenna Grace. I love you more than words can ever express.