Wednesday, June 26, 2013

10 Years

10 years ago on this very day at 10:46am USA time I sat with the rest of our family and watched as my precious mother breathed her very last. As she went on to be with her Heavenly Father I ached inside and wondered how I would go on and live my life without her.

Today, I can think of no where else I would rather be than in this country with my own daughter hoping I am creating a legacy as rich as hers.
My heart feels desperately sad that Jenna Grace will never know her Grammy and the wonderful woman she was.
But on the flip side, I can honestly say I am so happy my mom isn’t here to bear witness to how our world and our family in particular has evolved over the past 10 years. Her heart would be so broken.

And so as I take a moment to silently grieve for her I am hopeful that Brian and I have made her proud. I know that it is partly because of her example of selflessness that I was able to see past my life and the things I wanted to reach out for something else and eventually open my hand and heart to God for His will and not my own.

You see the truth is, this adoption was actually born out of selfishness. It was born out of pain and selfish ambition. I wanted a daughter. I had just lost my mom and that relationship meant the world to me. And so, in an effort to re-create it, the idea of adoption was born.
God, however, knew it would become so much more, and thankfully, because I chose to seek Him, it did.

I’ve written about my mom more times than I can count over the last 10 years. I’ve shed more than my fair share of tears and cried out to God in anger, frustration and brokenness. He really is near to the broken hearted and He really is a Father to Fatherless. So as this milestone passes and as I allow God to begin a new thing in me, my life and the life of my daughter I will forever have my hand and my heart open to Him. I will truly and with all sincerity say not my will but YOUR WILL be done. I know it won’t be easy but as this trip to China has proved IT WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH IT!!!!