Absolute Randomness and Turning 29...AGAIN!

29 years ago plus 10 (hee hee) I was born. I was born during a time when dad's were not allowed back with their wives during delivery. WOW. That really makes me feel old. Especially since a mere 2 years later my dad was allowed back with my mom when my sister was born. 

This past weekend Brian took me to Raleigh for shopping, dining and basically chilling out. I don't ever want to take for granted my amazing husband. He is THE most selfless man I have every met. He is all about me and wanting things to always be perfect. And he isn't just like this on my birthday. I love Brian so much and am so thankful for a God fearing man who loves and leads his family. 

Today is such a great day and not just because its the anniversary of the day I was born. Its an amazing day because I am alive. I have family and friends. I am sustained by my creator daily. I am in awe of my God and the amazing life He allows me to lead. I love knowing I can't live one day without His awesome presence and how I never want to see anything else but His truth in my life. I am so thankful to be on this adoption journey and can't wait to enter this next phase. I am resting in His promises and praying daily not only for our journey but for all those I know also walking this road. He is able and He will do all He promised. 

Below are just a few random photos I pulled off my phone that I wanted to share but haven't made the time to blog about. Enjoy!

Jayden performed at a local coffee shack a couple of months back. He brought in quite the crowd of friends and we were so proud. He did very well. 

I took this picture of Jared and Rachel (his girlfriend) b/c I thought it was funny they were wearing similar socks. I am so out of it style wise. :0)

Jared and his adorable gf, Rachel.

The most recent pic of the boys. Jayden is the only one not taller than me but that is about to change. 

Brian's mom just visited and we took her to New Bern to see some sights. 

Brian and I. I just love this man more than I know how to express. 

Jackson and his basketball trophies. 

Jackson and his bball team. They won the league championship. We are so proud of him and well he does in basketball. 

Brian bought a jon (sp?)boat so he and the boys can go fishing on the creek behind our house. I think he's turning into a redneck. HAHA!

B and I redecorated our laundry room after inspiration found on pinterest. Laurie and I painted and he hung the cabinets, the shelf, made the laundry sorter and even picked the chandelier. He is so talented. 

When the boys and I were in Sarasota, FL we went and played Lunar Golf. We had fun!

My newest favorite addiction is Bananagrams. I make the boys play with me as often as they'll let me. 

It has been kind of an expensive year between the adoption and braces. Jackson gets his off in two months and Jayden just got his last week. Here are some funny pics while he was getting prepped. 

And finally just a funny one of me and B. This was Sunday morning. We were kid free for the second day in a row and loving it!!!!

See, I told you this post was totally random. One thing really had nothing to do with the other. I love it!!!!

Got Truth?

Hebrews 4:12

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹²For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the ^[a]breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹² For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Hebrews 4:12

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹² For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.


The last few months my personal prayer has included David's prayer found in Psalm 51:10. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. And asking God to expose my heart to me. I began praying this after hearing it in a sermon and the pastor challenging us to pray it. So I did. The pastor told us it was a dangerous prayer to pray and we better be ready if we were courageous enough to pray it with sincerity. I was. I wasn't scared. I was aware it would be painful at times. I was right.

The past few days have been a little rough emotionally, I was internalizing some stuff and just wasn't sure if my perspective was on target or way off. I just want to say I LOVE GOD! He always meets me where I am and even catches me off guard. His answers are always timely and He never ceases to amaze me. Case in point. This morning I was praying on the way to church. Truth: it was kind of a mundane prayer. Thank you for this day, thank you for my health yadda yadda yadda. Then I began to pray for all the leaders in the service I was about to attend and for all the people in attendance. For their hearts, eyes and ears to be open. Then, the scripture you see above came into my mouth and I wasn't really sure where it was found so I looked it up. Go and read it again.
This is a really powerful scripture. I mean really powerful. But here's the part that was for me. Just 30 minutes later as I was singing in church God brought the scripture back to me specifically the part about discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. God's truth does this. God's truth pierces and divides me and exposes the good, bad and ugly of my heart. But, and here's the best part, the nugget of gold. He doesn't do it to condemn me, or make me feel guilty, He does it to set me free!!!! He does it to bring life to the dead parts in me. Do you understand that? He exposes me, He takes His light and shines it in those dark places in my heart, the things in me that slow me down and make me ineffective for Him so that I can make the necessary changes and go shine the light of Jesus!
Want truth? Pray David's prayer and just watch God's truth be spread abroad in your heart!

The (COM)Plain Truth!

Its day 12. Things are going well. Well, things are going. I don't have time to be fake and unreal.

Yes, things really are going well but heres the other side.

I don't want to do this.

I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I know, for anyone who has struggled with eating issues or being over weight (even if its just 10 pounds) they can relate to this statement. But it goes way deeper than that for me. Can you imagine what its like to wonder every single time you put something in your mouth, "Is this gonna make me sick?" Its exhausting. Its overwhelming. And the 8 out of 10 times that I do get sick its awful! And to add fuel to an already existing forrest fire I have a food addiction. Whew, there I said it. Maybe I said it earlier and just forgot but there now I know I really said it.

I need to back up for a minute. This whole thing really started about a month and a half ago when a friend and I really looked at our eating issues and got really honest about our struggles. I'm sure most of you are thinking skinny girls don't have eating issues. I am here to assure you they do. Mine wasn't anorexia/bulimia etc., not that I didn't think about it mind you. Mine was an inability to exercise any self control with regard to what I ate/when I ate etc. I had even begun hiding food and purposely eating things I knew would make me sick. That really spoke to me once I realized what I was really doing. At first I tried to convince myself I was just doing it so the kids wouldn't eat all my favorite treats. But when I found myself sneaking in there for "just one" several times a day I knew I was in trouble.

I had heard of the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and picked one up for me and my friend and also got the devotional. They are both great and we are working through them together. The focus of the book is that we are made to crave...God not food or really whatever addiction you have in your life. You can fill in the blank anyway you want. I really like the book and look forward to reading it everyday, it highlighted and underlined and its really helped me to re-think why I make the choices I do regarding food and how I can alter my thinking. So, whats the (com)plain truth?

I'm jealous. I am mad that I have to do this juice thing. I am mad that all these people around me can eat whatever they want and not get sick. Maybe I am mad at the doctors that they couldn't fix me with a pill I could take daily so I wouldn't get sick and could eat whatever I want everyday. I am mad that I am mad instead of just putting on my big girl panties and walking through this juice fast/feast with a good attitude instead of struggling every step. BREATHE...

The word struggle means to make forceful or violent attempts to get free of restraint or constriction. I also looked it up in the greek. The word in the greek is agonizomai and it means to strive or to contend for a prize.

When I think about it I am making a pretty forceful attempt to heal my body and feel better.

I have been too caught up in the negative meaning of this word struggle when its actually a positive thing. Now the truth is I can struggle well which is what I need to work towards since this is a life style change and not just a 21 day juice fast and then back to the same old same old.

I am striving for something better. I am contending for a prize. The prize, first and foremost a better relationship with my creator and secondly health and wellness. Those are pretty amazing prizes. Hebrews 12:1 says to throw off every weight that hinders us and to run the good race.

I can't run a good race being sick all the time or allowing my addictions to win. I have to make forceful and violent attempts to break free. And that is just what I am going to do!

Thank you Jesus for pointing the way. For your truth in the midst of battle. And for the reminder that you love me the way I am but love me too much to leave me that way. Amen.

Friday the 13th.

Yes, today is not Friday the 13th. Its Saturday but its time to vent.

I have never believed bad things happen because its Friday the 13th until yesterday. Day 7 was one of the worst days so far. Worse than day 2 even. I felt like I was starting all over. Detox is not fun. Here are some things I've discovered since being home.

Its much harder doing this alone. When I was in Florida with my Aunt, yes I had to shop and cook for my boys but come meal time I wasn't alone drinking my juice. Holly was right there with me.

Going grocery shopping was horrible, the more I walked around the more of a fog I was in.

I have no one to sit and talk to about this. B is great and is very patient listening but I can tell when his eyes glass over he's thinking, are you talking about this again?

This is much more emotional than I realized and I don't even have the words to articulate why.

I've only been home a day but yesterday I went non-stop until dinner. I need to rest more.

I'll say it again, detox is hard. I can't even imagine what is going on inside my body but based on the way I feel I'd say cleaning house is an understatement.

Just to be brutally honest, I wanted so badly to give up yesterday. Especially when our friends came for dinner and I sat there watching everyone eat homemade pizza. And also because of the way my stomach hurt I just thought, I could eat a big mac and feel this way. Why am I doing this again?

As I sought the Lord, He heard me and answered me and said "My joy is your strength." Beautiful.

But honestly, its so hard to be joyful when you feel lethargic and puny and for the record I still don't believe bad things happen on Friday the 13th.

Negativity, Vanity and Day Seven.

Today is the start of day 7! WOW. So do you want the bad or the good news first?

I think the bad. It's nicer to end on a positive note.

Like I said I started this thing very quickly and having educated myself only slightly. Probably not always the best idea. However, as my good friend Julie said "you jumped when God said jump!" and that is the greatest reminder I can have as I go through this. I have no doubt I was supposed to do this, however the internet can be a bad thing just as much as a good one. Last night after reading some negative stuff on the dangers of what I'm doing I got a little nervous and doubted if I'd heard God right. Plus add to that I wasn't feeling well (duh, I'd just gotten off a 13 hour road trip) and my mind began playing tricks on me.

Don't get me wrong here, I believe you should read all kinds of articles and ideas from different sources and should have a balanced view so you can make the right choices. I also believe that when you have several websites (unrelated) saying the same thing thats a good sign. Not to mention but unfortunately there are lots of doc out there who don't want people to believe in stuff like this because it puts them out of a job. That said my own results are already speaking for themselves.

Now for the good news. Well, first of all I made it to day seven!!! Thats huge, for me anyway. I'll be honest here, I'm not feeling on top of the world yet but its been nice not to have any stomach aches for a week. There have been some unpleasant side effects but thats normal when your body is detoxing. I also have to remind myself I didn't get to this point over night so the changes aren't going to happen over night. Patience will be the best virtue I can exercise during this time.

I mentioned in my last post I hadn't told many people but of course once I blogged about it and put it on Facebook I opened myself up to whoever wanted to read me. So far I haven't experienced too much negativity and being that its early days for me thats good.

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate the positive comments and support. I need them. This is very hard. Take last night. Just getting in after 13 hours on the road and I was a little cranky. My house smelled like burgers just off the grill and there sitting on the table was just that! WOW! I wanted to charge over there and just have one bite. But I didn't, I got out my veggie juice, sat down with Jared and chatted while he ate. At the end of the day I have to keep my eye on the prize, which is health and wellness.

Want some more good news? I've lots 5 pounds and my stomach is shrinking for the first time since having babies. OK, I know what you're thinking...where did you need to lose 5 pounds and what stomach? Yes, I have always been little and no I didn't have an enormous amount of weight to lose however, after having my last 2 babies and 2 c-sections my stomach has been very bloated looking/feeling. (Sorry for the visual) Oh sure I look skinny in clothes but sitting down, I am constantly tucking it in my jeans. Don't judge, I have several friends who do the same.

We all have areas where the weight goes right? Well this is the area mine goes and its not fun. I'm sure part of it also has to do with all my digestive/intestinal issues too.

Yesterday, when I really looked and paid attention I noticed it had shrunk. I couldn't believe it. This is HUGE for me HUGE! Can I say it again? HUGE!!! I never thought my belly fat would go away. I can handle side effects like that.

Now, let me stop here and say something. I love what the scale says and that is great motivation but thats not what this is about. This is not about vanity and looking good. That would be great icing on the cake but that is not the boast here. The boast here is about God and what He is doing. He is here for me everyday, like when I wanted a bite of that burger. When the first half of my 13 hour road trip sucked and I thought if I eat I'll feel better. When I had doubt last night in making this decision in the first place. If it weren't for God in His glory giving me what I need and might I add accepting it from Him I couldn't be doing what I'm doing.

My ultimate goal is to tell others about this and hopefully help them choose health and wellness.

There are several website that have aided in my journey so far. The main one is Hallelujah Acres. These guys are amazing and the information they have on their site is what I will use for my exit plan. (I'll talk about that another day.)

Another great site is All About Juicing. I've found recipes, what to expect when juicing, how to prepare for a juice fast and so much more.

Dr. Joel Fuhrman is the doc from the Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead documentary so I would recommend checking out his site too.

And on an unrelated note, might I add our paperwork is off to our agency for final approval and should be on its way to China in the VERY near future. Big sigh of relief. Once major hurdle jumped.

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting and thanks for all your encouragement and prayer.

Extremely Necessary but Incredibly Difficult.

Today is day 4!

Of what you may ask.

Of something so extreme I am beyond shocked I can say I am at day 4.

Am I intriguing or enticing you to read on?

Truthfully this blog entry is really more for me than you but hey if you're gonna read it and say some nice encouraging things then that works for me.

If you've known me any length of time you know that I have frequent stomach ailments and have seen a couple of docs, endured some not so pleasant tests and have virtually NO answers. You would also know I am OVER IT!

The straw that broke the camels back came last Tuesday when we had family in town and went to eat at Carolina Ale House. By the way, LOVE their food. Knowing how good my choices had been for several weeks in a row and the probiotics I have been taking for about 4+ months I figured a little treat would be harmless. So, I ordered their turkey club wrap which comes with fries.

Do I know anything fried usually makes me sick? Yes. Should I have made this choice? Probably not. Did I take into consideration the good eating/probiotics and think I would be OK? YES!!!

NOT SO MUCH!!

By the time we arrived at Toys R Us to spoil my niece I was in agony. I headed straight to the bathroom where I stayed for a good 10 minutes. Ok fine, right? No. After re-joining my family and the excited 2 and 1/2 year old for a grand total of 1.5 seconds I was headed back to the bathroom where I stayed for the reminder of visit there. Ok, so that was only another 10 minutes but still...

The next morning I made homemade pancakes for everyone and we all enjoyed some mini cadbury eggs.

Well, that was the icing on the cake and I was sick the rest of that day and on into Thursday to the point I could barely eat.

That was it. I was tired, cranky, sick to my stomach and convinced gall bladder issues were part of the equation also.

Something needed to change and it needed to be soon and drastic. As I prayed that morning I remembered my Aunt Holly telling me about a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and because she had been so inspired by that (among other things) she had just begun a 30 day juice fast.

The guy doing it is Joe Cross and when he began to juice he was 100 pounds overweight and on all kinds of meds for an auto immune disease and his blood work was a mess. By the end of a 60 day juice fast he had lost all his weight, was no longer on medication and all his blood work was normal. It also chronicled another guy named Phil Staples but I'm not going to give that part away but lets just say his transformation is off the charts so go and watch it!

For my Aunt a juice fast is no big deal, she's done a one several times. After watching the documentary I was completely challenged. Challenged for my health and for my future. I don't want to be sick with stomach issues every other day and no my blood tests are not messed up and I don't take lots of meds every day but there's no doubt about it something is wrong and I'm not willing to get to that point.

So, I did something drastic. Joe recommends getting away, if you are able, for the first little while in order to kick start the fast. Something about being away from the norm. So, me, Jack and Jay hopped in the car Friday morning at 5am and made our way to Sarasota, FL to hang with my Aunt while I got this started. Now bear in mind I only saw the documentary Thursday morning. But after really praying and asking God what to do and then talking to B, we both felt it was time to go and really try this thing. No time like the present right? I had to shift some things around but B assured me nothing was more important than my health and at the end of the day I've tried everything else so I know this can't hurt.

So, here's the goal. 10 day juice fast. Possibly extended to 30 and if things are going really well, 60 days. That is what Joe Cross did and it changed his life.

When we arrived Friday evening we were exhausted and I knew sleep was first on my priority list since Saturday morning the fast would begin. I hadn't done much homework up to that point so my Aunt educated me as we sat on the porch to bring me up to speed. Because I am relatively healthy I didn't feel I needed medical approval to do this but, I should state it is recommended.

Also, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing beforehand (not that there was a lot of time anyway) because I don't need a lot of opinions or negativity.

On to the fast. We began juicing Saturday morning bright and early. Carrots, kale, celery, cucumbers, apples, pineapples, pears, ginger, strawberries, grapes, and spinach to name a few. Of course not all at the same time. :0)

I have to tell you, after that first taste I just knew this would be a long 10 days and forget about 30 let alone 60. But the taste grows on you and being the age I am I recognize tastes can change and you can re-train your palate to like anything. Still, I knew it would probably take awhile.

Day one was Ok. We went to the beach for a couple of hours and then just chilled the rest of the day.

Day two was harder. I felt sick and headachy, lethargic and just wanted to lay around.

Day three was better. We went to the beach and I stayed under an umbrella the entire time. I wasn't as tired and began enjoying the fruit juice more. The veggie, not yet. The beach was hard only in that everywhere I turned people were eating all the junk food I craved. Then when we got home I cooked dinner for the boys. Spagetti. One of my favorite dishes. WOW, that was tough. But I managed.

The hunger pains have been rough.

Day four (today) has been ok. The hunger pains aren't as bad but still there. I think I drank too much fruit juice today so that wasn't very fun, if you get my drift. ;0)

I'll be driving home on day six and all the information I've read agrees that by then I should be feeling amazing. Lots of energy and raring to go. I'm not worried about it. God has been part of this since its inception and He won't be leaving anytime soon.

Something cool happened tonight, not that I should really be surprised. He's just that amazing of a God.

I sat playing Bananagrams with the boys in my Aunt's lanai after cooking them one of my and their fave dinners (rave 'n' ravioli). I was trying to be social all the while my body is screaming for the left overs which, may I add would no doubt make me sick. God, in His goodness gave me a revelation.

Doing this juice fast/life style is kind of like believing in God.

I can't see God, I can't see inside my body.

But I see unbelievable results in my life as a result of believing in and serving/seeking God.

I will see unbelievable results if I continue to seek out and choose a healthy life style.

God is at work. I don't know if I'll make it 10 days, 30 or 60 days. But He knows. And knowing He has the answers before I even ask the questions is good enough for me.

Keep checking in because I plan to document how this whole thing goes in effort to encourage myself and hopefully others.

Feel free to leave any encouraging comments.

1 Corinthians 10:13

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Not a teacher

Monday through Friday from August until May we get up and do school at our kitchen table.

I never thought this would be something I would choose. I am famous for verbalizing the things I will "never" do. For instance I was never going to send my kids to public school, and I was never going to homeschool. They started in private school but once we truly realized we had bitten off more than we could chew I started home schooling Jared in first grade. Then my mom became sick with cancer and I felt she needed me so we enrolled Jared in public school. It became very apparent to me then and more so now that we needed to include God in every single decision we will ever make because He does care and His ways are not our ways. His ways are higher! Isn't that awesome? That gives me so much peace.

I learned that but I think it took Brian a little longer. Even when the kids seemed to struggle and I would suggest home schooling them he wouldn't even want to discuss it.

But then we moved to North Carolina.

Suddenly, he felt as if God was telling us to home school the boys and I was terrified. You see, I'm not a teacher. I don't even have a four year degree. I don't think very much of myself when it comes to leading others. I'm pretty insecure.

His ways are higher.

Once we made the decision and started researching curriculums and talking to as many people as we could who have done this before, we made our choices and placed our order. I got a table for school, registered with the North Carolina Division of Non-Public Education , had my attendance sheet ready, a school schedule and we were off. And we did great! We had our ups and downs and we weren't always friends that first year but we made it through and my kids have never done so well on an end of year test. Now, people can say what they will about tests being dumbed down etc etc but I'm not interested in all of that. What I know is that my kids learned a lot and they excelled. And most of all, I am a teacher!!!

Here we are about to end year three and yes we have had plenty of bumps in the road but remember the whole His ways are higher part? Our second school year we were blessed to be part of an amazing co-op led by my good friend Laura which lightened my teaching load (since Laura is an actual teacher) and put the kids with their friends 2 days a week. We have done it 2 years now and I have loved (maybe not all the time) sharing the teaching responsibilities with other moms who's passion for home school is as fierce as mine. I have been so blessed to learn from these other moms and even from the kids. I have been more encouraged than I can even begin to express. I feel so much more adequate and much more equipped to handle the high school years thanks to this group of women who have poured so much into me these past 2 years.

So, all I'm really saying is this: seek God in ALL your decisions for yourself and your kids and don't sell yourself short because you feel insecure. I've seen this said on more church signs then I can count and its so amazingly true.

GOD DOESN'T CALL THE EQUIPPED, HE EQUIPS THE CALLED.

And we are ALL called.

So much to say...

I am not a writer and therefore get completely overwhelmed when it comes to blogging. I allow myself into wrong thinking and comparing to others who write so beautifully and eloquently. I have all these thoughts and feelings, this adoption journey alone is one that could fill these pages endlessly. And yet, I don't. I don't write and I don't document all these things because most of the time I feel completely unable to articulate it just right.

So, here I am home from school co-op with a sick kid attempting to share all the latest news. Hang on this could be long.

Two weeks ago was by far THE worst week our little family has had in quite sometime. I, personally allowed myself to become so upset and frazzled I broke out in a rash. Pathetic huh?

I have allowed God to carry all my worries and cares for months. Casting my cares because He cares for me and guess what? Its been pretty easy. His word is so true. But last week I just lost it. Now bear with me for a minute because for those not on the adoption journey it can be hard to understand.

We have been on a paperwork run for over a year now. Just when you think there is light at the end of the tunnel some government agency is there to assure you you are wrong in your thinking and here is some more paperwork to prove they are in control. We are in the last stages of our paperwork and are so close to our dossier being sent to China. We can taste the victory. Well, China likes victories too and I feel they relish in their control. I don't know this for sure but based on the way they change their rules whenever they feel like it I think I'm right.

One of their newest changes, at least to my knowledge is they no longer accept any paperwork over 6 months old.

So, let me back up. The last stage before all our dossier info gets sent to our agency so our agency can send it to China is for it to go through the authentication process in DC and then over to the Chinese Consulate. This has to be couriered from one place to the next. We found a company that does this called The Assistant Stork. Amazing people and highly recommended. They sent us paperwork (haha) to fill out and as I'm filling it out I notice the top in big bold letters.

CHINA NO LONGER ACCEPTS PAPERWORK OLDER THAN 6 MONTHS.

I stop writing. I'm sure I knew this, I 'm sure I received an email from our agency with this exact information. But until you are at that exact stage you read it and move on.

I read it to Brian and asked him to look through our paperwork quick before I write one more letter. Sure enough we have 2 documents out of date, not too bad you think. Except that one of those docs is my Canadian birth certificate which took me 8 weeks to receive the first time around. All I can think is another 2 month delay?!? I drop the pen and can no longer contain the tears. They fall and I sob. I can no longer pretend this is OK. Its not. Why, I cry is it this hard to do something so good. Why does it matter that my birth certificate is 6 months and 2 weeks old? The sad part is, no one can answer these questions for me. IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!

I leave Brian's office defeated and questioning if adoption is for us. I go back to home school co-op and receive some much needed encouragement from my friends.

An hour or so has passed and I'm fine again when Brian comes running over telling me that no he hasn't fixed the birth cert thing but he has found a way to stop the clock on all the other pieces of paperwork that will expire in less than 3 weeks. So, we drop about a grand for all the extra fees but are assured there is a guaranteed 5 day turn around for the rest of the paper work to be stamped authenticated by the Chinese Consulate.

I can now tell you, I just heard from the Assistant Stork 3 days ago and all is well minus the last 2 pieces of paperwork which we are working on. And incidentally Canada is working with us and I should be receiving my birth cert by the end of this week.

The above was just one Tuesday morning. Now for Tuesday afternoon.

We returned home from home school co-op to find Jewel (our 92lb great dane) had gotten out of her crate and had peed over half my bed causing $300 of damage. The only thing that had saved my mattress was the 2 1/2 inch foam topper we had on there. But everything else was ruined. It was awful and the sad realization that had already begun to plague me a couple of weeks before was clearly apparent. She needed a family that could be home for her more than we could thus began my crying all afternoon about that. Jayden was heartbroken as was I but as I've always maintained: you don't have a dog just because you can. You have a dog because you can give it the love, care and attention it deserves. Thankfully, even as heart broken as Jayden was he really did understand that. We placed an ad on Craigslist for her and before the day was over had 30 inquires for her. It was a stressful thought giving her to another family. I wanted someone for her that would give her what we couldn't. So, I prayed and I cast my cares. I knew God cared about this and I knew He would take care of it. And He did. By Friday afternoon we were meeting her new family. A stay at home mom with a 2 and a half year old who had been looking for a dane for their 12 year old dog and because she was home alone a lot due to the fact her husband was in the service. She's been gone a week and a half but have received pics and updates. Its definitely quieter around here but we feel good that we made a good decision in her best interest.

I just want to take a minute (not that this is academy award worthy or anything) to thank some people who were there for us that week.

Laurie, your words of encouragement were invaluable not to mention your help painting. I appreciate your friendship more than I will ever be able to express.

Kim and April, thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement.

Anyone I texted regarding the adoption stuff. Most likely Tracy although I'm really not sure because the week was a blur. ;0)

Most of all my amazing hubby. He has tirelessly worked on this paperwork and been a rock when I feel like we're sinking. There will never be enough words to show my appreciation.

Our baby girl is coming home. God is SO in control and so much bigger than any paperwork issues we could ever encounter. I would like to say I never forgot that during my epic melt down, I just had a moment. I love that God understands my humaness and loves me anyway.

I just know that He will use us to be an encouragement for others on their journey's.

And just one more thing. This past couple weeks has been really exciting because the 2 families we met at adoption class a year ago have positive news! Mollie and Reade just brought home their little boy Aaron from China and Tracy and Jason leave the 27th to meet their little boy J for the first time. God is so good and the best part about this whole thing has been meeting these precious families, getting to know them, praying for them and watching God do His thing is their lives.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the support.

Ps. 68:5-6

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

Galatians 4:4-6

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:14-16

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children.

Papa's 80th.

At the beginning of Feb I was blessed to be able to go and celebrate my Grandfather's 80th birthday in St. Louis.

My papa has always been a sort of hero in my life. My memories of him are nothing but positive. I remember how much he has always loved me and although he isn't perfect, when we would visit him he gave us his time and his ear.

This past visit was no different. I have been so thankful to get closer to him as a result of our adoption and I am so proud of all he has done to help bring home close to 8,000 children to their forever families through his agency Children's Hope International.

I love you Papa, thank you for being you! Hope you enjoy the slide show.

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Growing Deep Roots: Questions that should be asked...

My friend Tracy, who is adopting from Uganda posted this at her blog. The questions/answers are per a Ugandan adoption but I'm sure most would be helpful for many international adoptions. Pass along if you think it might benefit someone.

Thanks Tracy!

Growing Deep Roots: Questions that should be asked...: Adoption is awesome! Unfortunately, though just like anything else that is good it can be corrupted. Adoption has become a money making bu...

Kisses from Katie.mp4

There just aren't words to say how much this moves me.

Enjoy.

The other Martin Luther King Jr. holiday: how it's observed

The other Martin Luther King Jr. holiday: how it's observed

Updates ROCK!

USCIS approval came Monday.

Papers sent to be certified Tuesday.

Next step is authentication.

The rest of the dossier DONE!

We are getting closer.

Keep praying. Thanks.

Creating Christmas memories is my favorite.

We had such an incredible Christmas.

And despite the fact we had no extended family to share it with we were so blessed to spend it with others who treat us like family. God never ceases to amaze me.

It began Christmas Eve morning when we shared breakfast with our friends, the Teagues.

Once home I baked a pecan pie and chocolate chip pumpkin bread. At 5 we attended service at church. From there we went to eat at Cheddars with our best friends, the Daigles and our adopted brother Terrence.

The evening only got better when we returned to the Daigles for a gift exchange and Kerri's home made cheese cake. Sooooo good. We had such a great time.

Christmas morning, everyone woke up to the smell of fresh coffee and bacon and eggs on the griddle.

We had a blast watching the kids open their gifts and even Brian and I got spoiled. And even though we didn't get our dossier finished or even USCIS approval as a gift we were still unbelievably thankful. We are praying early in the New Year will bring both those things.

Everything with our meal was perfect and we were even joined by Jared's girlfriend and her brother.

We spent the rest of the day lazing around enjoying our gifts, watching sports and movies and just enjoying our time together.

I cannot begin to tell you just how much we have enjoyed this holiday season. One more week before total reality sets in. I plan on being really productive this week and also enjoying my family. Especially since Brian will be off starting Wednesday through Monday. He deserves the break.

I pray you all had an amazing Christmas also. Happy New Year. May God bless you!!!

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Why I celebrate Christmas!!

A baby came, to die.

He redeemed us from our old life and because of His salvation and grace we walk in new life.

He is our Savior, our Healer and our ALL in ALL.

And, this is why we celebrate Christmas.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this.

Isaiah 9:6-7

Growing Deep Roots: My first giveaway...and I am excited!!

Growing Deep Roots: My first giveaway...and I am excited!!: Let me introduce you to Project 320.    This is the third year for Project 320.  Six women have gotten together and decided that they can do...

Not the GUMDROP buttons!!

For the first time this Christmas I decided it would be fun to build gingerbread houses.

It definitely looked easier than it was. But thankfully, since the boys are almost all teenagers they didn't need me to help them. Because trust me, I couldn't have!

So, in the end we had 5 mini houses. They all looked like they needed some help but we had a blast doing it and there was lots of laughing and a nice sugar high.

Just click play and enjoy!

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1 Corinthians 13 Christmas

I saw this on my friend Tracy's blog and had to post it also. Thanks girl!

1 Corinthians 13 Christmas

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.

Love is kind, though harried and tired.

Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way.

Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of love will endure.

Author Unknown

National Adoption Month.

November is National Adoption Month which I know is so close to the holidays but there is so much you can do for so little.

It just takes a little sacrifice.

The agency we are using, Children's Hope International has a catalog available online which gives lots of inexpensive ideas to help an orphan.

Please take a moment to click on the link and look through the online catalog and consider helping some orphans in need or at least take some time to look through the website and pray for these kids.

Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving.

Thoughts

Since being on this journey called adoption there have been more thoughts than normal running around in my head.

In the beginning when we first felt called to adopt it was, is this really God's will? How could not be God's will? How will we afford it? How hard will it be? How long is it gonna take?

Then everything was on hold my thoughts moved to, maybe this isn't what we are supposed to do. Maybe we heard God wrong. We have so much debt there is no way we can ever do this. I guess the dream is dead.

Three more years passed coupled with lots of moving, uncertainty and certainly hundreds more questions. Then the thoughts went like this. Are we too old for this? My heart yearns for a little girl I've never even met, how is that possible? I know we are supposed to do this, how are we ever going to afford it.

Then one day, we just knew it was time to start so we jumped in with both feet.

Here we are 8 months in and today we just got home from Raleigh after we had our biometrics appointment.

Here are some of the thoughts I have these days, I wonder how many more times I'll clean this bathroom before I bring Grace home.

What are going to be the issues we deal with? I am gonna love having a little girl. I am gonna hate having a little girl. What if I can't do it? Why does everyone else make this adoption process look so easy?

And finally when I come to the end of myself I return to His feet, sigh real big and say Thank you Jesus I can rest in you because you have all this in the palm of your hands.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The King James version says I know the THOUGHTS I think towards you...

What a precious thing. We may have thousands of thoughts, some good, some not so good but all of His thoughts are for good and not evil.

His plans aren't just for this little girl waiting in China somewhere for her forever family. They are also for the forever family who have moments when they cry in frustration because the process can be so long. I am so thankful for the God I serve who loves me despite all my crazy thoughts and who has seen the end already and is carrying us through all of it.

A Make Over!

Everything and everyone I think, needs a make over from time to time.

This blog was no exception.

So, a few weeks ago I contacted the creative forces that be and asked for a remodel and once again she has delivered.

Its just in time too.

We have entered a new phase of this journey.

We feel closer than ever and its scary as it is exciting.

Thursday we spent more than 2 hours looking through the database of girls alone who are waiting for forever families. There were over 456 ranging in age from 0-18. There were only about 80 in our age range which is 2-3, however just going through these files was the most heart wrenching thing we have ever done.

How do you look past the faces, disabled or not and not long to scoop them up and just love them? It was so hard. Some of them have such severe disabilities you wonder if they will be stuck there forever. I literally felt physically sick.

But in the end we had to look at the special needs we felt capable of handling and we chose 6 girls to look at in more depth.

So now what you might ask? Well, we take these files to a pediatrician and ask every question we can think of that pertains to their needs.

And then, we make a choice. And the truth is, she may not be one of these 6. And guess what? We're OK with that. We know God already has our daughter in the palm of His hand and His timing will the THE timing so we will rest as we go through these files. Its a beautiful thing.

As for paperwork, we are working on the dossier, have our biometrics appointment in November and my passport is going to arrive hopefully in the next 2 weeks or so.

Since these past 3 weeks have been filled with wedding stuff (I was matron of honor) its nice to have all my focus back where I feel it belongs.

Once again, thank you for riding this wave with us and please pray specifically for God's will as we go through these files.

Blessings.

Homestudy APPROVED!!!!

Need I say more?

Next steps?

USCIS Application to be submitted and all the dossier work begins.

Prayer is appreciated for these next steps to go a little more smoothly than the homestudy did.

Thanks!!!

STAND!!

EPHESIANS 6:10-17

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. ¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. ¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

There are times in life when you feel like you have been knocked down.

There is no more wind in your sails or breath in your lungs.

In the moment it feels sad and hopeless.

There is an overwhelming sense of failure and defeat.

All of life seems to be closing in or crashing down around you.

This is when you STAND.

You stand firm knowing that God is there in your midst and sees all the tears you cry.

You stand firm knowing that God has not left you now and will not leave you in the future.

You stand firm knowing that He has set your feet on a rock. And that rock is HIM.

You stand firm knowing that whatever trial or test you are going through, if you let Him, His glory will be revealed.

You stand firm knowing that the peace which passes all understanding will walk with you through this and will never fail you.

You stand firm knowing He loves you, gave His life for you and now intercedes for you as He sits at the right hand of the Father.

This is how to stand and this is how I am standing today!

Thank you Jesus.

Psalm 59:9-11

You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,
for you, O God, are my fortress.
¹⁰ In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies.

¹¹ Don’t kill them, for my people soon forget such lessons;
stagger them with your power, and bring them to their knees,
O Lord our shield.

Psalm 119:89-90

⁸⁹ Your eternal word, O Lord,
stands firm in heaven.
⁹⁰ Your faithfulness extends to every generation,
as enduring as the earth you created.

This Hurricane...called Life

Irene decided to pay us all a visit this past weekend and I have to say, after living in Oklahoma for 12 years I prefer tornado's. Admittedly, tornados are much less predictable than hurricanes but in my experience at least they are much shorter lived.

The rain started here where we live at about 5pm Friday evening and didn't stop until Saturday around 10pm. The wind which was up to at least 60 miles per hour began at about 3am or at least thats when Brian and I awoke to some major dripping. We began laying as many towels as we could along our front windows to try and absorb some of the water.

By 6:45am we quickly learned it was a futile attempt. Still we worked hard to contain the water. We placed buckets and cups in as many strategic places as possible in order to keep the floor from getting more wet. We dried towels in the dryer then replaced the soaked ones but that only lasted until 9am when the power went out. After that, it went downhill fast.

We quickly learned Jayden's doors in his room were no match for the wind and rain and about 1/4 of his room flooded. Our room also was in big trouble and 1/2 of it flooded spreading into our bathroom. We moved beds to the middle of said rooms and waited it out.

The only time I felt myself losing it was when my bedroom ceiling began to leak which I can only attribute to all the missing shingles.

Once our power went out we had no way of knowing how the storm was moving or how much longer we would have to put up with it but luckily I have a grandmother in OK who has Fox News on constantly so I would get updates as often as my phone would allow them through. Thank you Grammy.

We played games, I learned poker, we read, took naps and tried to ignore the constant pouring in of water in 3 of our rooms.

Our front door got so wet it no longer opens and closes without a 200lb weight of force.

Our laminate flooring has all buckled and both carpets are saturated and rooms a wreck!

Thankfully Sunday our friends, who had their power restored loaned us their generator and dehumidifier to at least begin the drying process.

We became painfully aware of just how much this was all going to cost and how adoption money would have to be dipped into but you know what...?

We are alive, we are safe and our house is basically still in tact. We are able bodied people with the ability and means to take care of the mess and its all just "stuff" anyway. I am thankful beyond words for all the generosity of others especially the hot meal last night from David and Anna.

So, last night we are sitting in our living room and its 89 degrees, Brian and I are passing the time watching a movie on the laptop and suddenly a flicker. Was it?? Yes it was!!!! Lights, camera ACTION!!! We had power. And it was a beautiful thing. We were smiling and laughing and hugging each other. It was like a scene from a movie. We were all so thankful.

Today begins more of the clean up and hopefully good news from the insurance company. I hope and pray we never have to go through another hurricane but I am thankful for the experience. It has once again reminded me just how good we have it and how we are surrounded by an amazing community of people who love us!

Please continue to pray with us for the rest of the people hit by this hurricane who continue to be without power and who have sustained worse damage than us. Thanks!

Here are some pics of our little adventure and some I took on our way to church yesterday.

Be blessed, I am!

This photo album made with Smilebox

He is GOOD!!!!

I absolutely love this song and its one I sing to remind myself how good my God is.

I told someone this morning that we must be on the right path with this adoption because we have been met with so much resistance. Yet again there is a small delay but my God is LARGE and in charge and HIS timing is THE timing.

Despite the set backs I get excited as I allow myself to just rest. To be still. To know He is in control and to pray for His will, not my own.

Thank you Jesus for being so good to us and for your goodness in this whole situation.

Jared's Graduation~2011

Jayden, Me, Jared, my dad Richard, Brian and Jackson
Helping Jared get ready.
Jared with several of his friends.
Our family.
Jared and his best friend Tiana.

I still shake my head in disbelief that I have a child who's graduated. I still don't get that he'll be 18 in 2 weeks and I certainly am not ready for him to face the big bad world without me to protect him. But the reality is this-this time was always coming from the day I gave birth to him.

Jared may not have been born under the greatest of circumstances but he couldn't have been born into a more loving environment. I was only 20 years old and single. His "father" had really never been in the picture from the time I found out I was pregnant and I realized quickly I was on my own. Although my parents stepped in and picked up the slack there is nothing quite like being a couple in a situation like that.

I wasn't serving the Lord during that time of my life however towards the end of my pregnancy I began reading my bible a little bit starting with Genesis. Playing the name game alone isn't very much fun but my mom loved it and we tossed around all kinds of names for him like Aaron, James, Shelby, (I didn't know he was a boy), John, but then one evening as I sat reading my bible the name Jared just popped out at me and I knew that was what I was supposed to name him. In the bible, Jared was Enoch's father and Enoch was one who walked so closely with God and never tasted death. He simply wasn't there anymore. I loved that.

As long as I live I'll never forget his birthday. I went into labor at 3 in the afternoon. Nothing much really, more uncomfortable than anything else and when they admitted me at 6pm there was still not much going on and I started to think they might send me home. I remember being all alone hoping my mom would hurry up and get there and without warning I went into full blown labor with contractions coming every couple of minutes and they started to take me upstairs. I was terrified because I was by myself.
But then right as they were wheeling me into the elevator my mom was there.

It wasn't easy, not that its supposed to be but here's something funny. At about 10pm right in the thick of it my mom says "You know I'm not superstitious but it is Friday the 13th, maybe you could wait a couple of hours."
I was like "Are you kidding me? I don't care what the date is, he needs to get here!!"
So, fast forward 2 hours and she actually turns to me and says "OK, its 12:01, anytime you're ready to have that kid."
Of course at the time it was too intense to fully appreciate just how funny that was but shortly after and all these years later I still laugh about it.

There he was laying in his little bassinet and all I could do was look. All I could do was wonder how on earth could I possibly love someone so much I had just met. I was full to over flowing. It took my breath away.

And less than 2 years later God, in His amazingness provided a daddy for Jared and a husband for me. I never could have imagined in all I had done, in all the terrible ways I had lived that I would be worthy of such a precious gift. Thank God its never something we have to earn. I didn't deserve it but He gave it to me anyway. Brian was immediately wonderful with Jared, as if he had been there from the beginning. The first time I heard Jared call Brian "daddy" I thought my heart would explode. To this day I am always overcome with emotion as I recall how God had His hand in it all even though I couldn't have been farther from Him.
This is why I am such an advocate for being a praying parent. I know I was covered as a result of my mom's obedience to pray for her children.

It hasn't always been like that since then. There have been good times and bad times. But they are always overcome because we love like a family is supposed to love. Unconditionally.

The emotion surrounding these last few weeks has been, at times overwhelming as its forced me to recall all we've been through since Jared was born. I've had moments where I simply couldn't breathe when I think how this chapter is ending and a new one is beginning and in no time at all he won't even be living in my house. I won't be there to protect him when he gets hurt. But I also realized all this time I've been preparing him for exactly this. That has been my role these past 18 years. It doesn't mean I don't get to parent him anymore, it just means I might be doing it a little more silently.

It's Jared's time and I have to let go. It's time for him to fly away on his own and I have to take comfort knowing I did the best I could and with God's grace and mercy he will be OK.

Finding my Voice

Today is the anniversary of my mothers death.
It's not as negative as in years past, in fact I have found I am finally able to talk about her without falling apart.

Progress, I like it.

This past mothers day was also different than all the ones since she died. For the first time I found myself able to be celebrated instead of just putting on a happy face for the kids all the while I'm silently grieving.

When we sat together after her death discussing her memorial service we were all somewhat in a daze. It seems funny to me even now, I mean here we are grieving beyond belief and now we have to make all kinds of decisions.

When we reached the part about the music it was easy. Mom had sung in all church choirs where we had attended since before I was born so it was only natural to have a full choir.

From out of nowhere I said I wanted to sing. One of her favorite songs written by her then choir director Orlando Juarez was Face to Face. To those of you who know me now this is no big thing. Because thats what I do, SING!

But 8 years ago, that was something I'd given very little thought to. Even though I had started singing at age 5 and been in every church choir until the age of 12 I hadn't used my talent since then.

I had somehow bought into the thought pattern that all my years running from the things of God had robbed me of the voice God had given me.

However, several months before something had been stirring in me and I'd asked mom to start giving me some tips on how to start singing again.

But with her illness progressing it just didn't seem to be a priority.

So when I spoke up regarding singing at her service it was as if someone else was saying it. I knew which song and I knew I wanted my mom's sister, Holly to sing with me. So I never really gave it a second thought.

Holly and I barely practiced the song but when the time came there was no fear or anxiety at all. As we went up to sing I closed my eyes, lifted my hands and sang the song from my heart and to my mom. It was the most beautiful moment since she had died.

Since that time I've truly found my voice. I've given my gift back to God and gotten involved where I've felt I've been called to serve.

Loss is never an easy thing to go through but God's promises are always true. And what the enemy meant for evil God turned around for my good and His glory.

Face to Face

Face to face with you in your love and mercy

Sheltered by your glory As I stand face to face with you

Amazing grace surrounds me Songs of praise stir within me

I lift my hands in praise Sin no longer holds me

Captured by your grace I stand before you holy

Thankful for your love oh the joy of sweet communion

There will always be a song of praise within my heart

as I stand Face to Face.