My Greatest Gift

Sunlight peeked through the curtains and I rolled over willing the morning to give me a few more hours. As I did B rolled my way and curled me into his arms and I was overcome with emotion. There is such a sense of safety and security he gives me. The insecurities that run rampant in my head and my heart make it so I can't understand the depth of my husband's love for me. Much in the same way I don't understand or comprehend how much God loves me. 

I wish I "got it". I wish it came easily to me as it seems to for so many of my friends. I know the root but accepting it has not been an easy thing. 

Sadly, my growing up years were not steeped in acceptance. In fact it couldn't have been more opposite and I sometimes shudder as to the whys. The sad truth is that complete strangers coming in our home were encouraged, loved without condition and welcomed more than I ever was. Please don't misunderstand, I don't blame my parents. They did the best with what they had been given. I know it was what they too, witnessed. None of that matters now but unfortunately I still bear the scars and so I must deal with it and move through it to find ultimate healing. 

Brian also grew up with his fair share of dysfunction but was so loved and accepted no matter what. He was constantly showered with affection and "I love yous" from his mother and in turn has worked for 18 years to help turn that around in me. He has always been so patient and generous with his love for me. Even through all the times I would pull away time and again. I didn't know how to receive nor give affection with sincerity. Its one thing to hug a friend at church but to embrace and be embraced was something I didn't know anything about. All I knew of love was lust and sex. All I knew was perverse and something I had sought out b/c I was so desperate to feel loved. To feel accepted. Its the world's ultimate lie and I bought it. It has taken me so long but I finally feel at a place where I can embrace my husband with truth in my heart. I am still learning to believe how much he loves me (I'm not sure I'll ever get there) and in turn am loving him the best way I can. I know with God's help it will only get better and I am so thankful God gave me a husband like Brian. 

I think the biggest lesson for me in all of this is, love and accept your kids no matter what they do. Whether you like their choices or not, love them, be there for them and don't give up praying for and believing in them. After all, that is what God does for you!