Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Waster

Have you ever felt like you are wasting your life? Like whatever it is your doing is just getting you to the next day or the next week, month etc. That you could be doing so much more yet there is just nothing left at the end of the day. And whats worse? You are stuck. There doesn't seem like there is a way out. Because after all you did put yourself in that situation in the first place. Feelings tell you its awful, feelings tell you you can't do this anymore. All your grace for whatever it is is no longer there. Paul said in all situations be content. But I want to scream I DON'T WANT TO!!!! This isn't what I want to do anymore. There is no future in this for me. When my kids are gone from my house in just 8 short years I am not going to look back and say well I am so glad I did that! I am so glad thats what I spent my time and energy doing. I am so glad I was so exhausted from that that when I was home I was a vegetable. I just never thought this was how it was going to be. But then again I am famous for leaving God out of the loop on a lot of stuff and then wondering why it doesn't all work out. I know there is more in me than what I am doing. And I am not one of those people who can do it all and I make no apology for it (ok, well sometimes I do). If you are, then go you! Is this a pity party? No, it's an expression from an exhausted mom who has realized it's just not worth it anymore and is begging God for a reprieve. Will you please beg with me? 

3 comments:

Aubrey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aubrey said...

I don't think that is has been a coincidence that I've been seeing you at events recently (CPC Banquet, Mimi's Wedding etc), finally figuring out who you were and now I find myself reading this post. I have seen you at church several times and worked Drama Camp this summer with your boys and even Brian during the end production but I have never met you. I still haven' really met you but hope to remedy that this Sunday, though I will be in Children's church so I hope I can catch you. Anyway, I'm reading this post and it's mirroring a lot of my feelings and thoughts lately minus the mom part. It does wonders to hear someone else voice my struggles. Just life in general has left me wanting, I'm looking at wasted years spent trying things this way and that instead of asking God. Just last night I was asking what is the point? Why am I going to school? To do what? All I feel like I'm doing is pointless, I lack purpose because I keep leaving God behind. It's like this circle I can't seem to break free of. The circle of try, fail, doubt, wander, cry, give up, feel like I can't go on and yet each day comes and goes and I'm still here, thinking I can't go on another day. Yet somehow I do. This puposelessess is going to push me over the edge...
Begging with you,
your sister in Christ,
Aubrey

Marlita said...

I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog. What exciting news to hear that a little girl will be joined to your family. It is good to see your face, and hear from your heart.
I have so many times felt the same way. I am glad God will never give me more than I can handle. It sometimes is hard having faith in God's plan when we don't see the outcome. So good to see your face.