Perfect

What the...? Perfect? Who me? Sure, why not.
I have spent my whole life trying to attain perfection. This is a raw transparent post born of grief and pain.
Perfection in my family pre and post marriage, in my body (babies killed that one), in the way I dressed, spoke, where I lived, what I drove, the friends I had.........and on and on. Are you exhausted yet? I am. I.Am.Exhausted.
The last bit of perfection I tried to attain, you guessed it. This adoption. Of course the paperwork trail was a train wreck and I don't think I've ever cried that much in my entire life but 6 years after our initial sign up, we were home. It was done. She was ours. And then, I derailed. And it was bad.

I have spent the last 6 years, off and on, reading hundreds of blogs. Hundreds of posts on adoption. On "Gotcha Day", on coming home etc. and either everyone is lying or I am just an extreme case. Because the LARGE majority of what I read was perfect. Or at least that is the way it sounded coming through the computer screen. Maybe it was just "those" blogs. But seriously, it was so far from perfect when we came home and started settling in. And the craziest thing is it had almost nothing to do with Jenna Grace.

In all our time before travel there was so much talk about what life would be like for her. How her life was going to be flipped upside down because she was being ripped away from everything she had ever known. And while all this is true I am pretty sure that at just 21 months old and now on the verge of being 2 China is barely even in her memory bank. And I am sure there are "experts" out there who would strongly disagree but this is how I feel about it.

And so we prayed and prayed for her. She was always at the top of the list and I agonized over how to make life super comfortable for her because of the trauma she was about to experience. What I failed to realize at the time and no one warned me about was the trauma I would experience. How my life would be completely ripped out from under me. I had no preparation for this.
When you have a baby, you ease into toddler hood. Not so with the adoption of a toddler, we were just dropped in it. BOOM! No one said anything. NOT ONE PERSON!!! Oh sure since being home and being somewhat honest to people they have made the odd comment here and there like, "yeah I wondered how you were gonna handle it all" REALLY?! WOW!
I felt judged and misunderstood and felt like I could talk to no one about it, so I didn't.

I am not very good at fully articulating my thoughts and feelings so you'll have to bear with me. And the truth is, I think I am really writing this for myself so I can look back and remember with clarity or even help someone else out.

The depression I sank into was unprecedented and I've been depressed before so I have something to compare it to. I felt stuck, hopeless, and completely alone. Allow me to state for the record that I have THE most amazing and supportive hubby in the world and if it wasn't for him I don't think I would be this far out. I have no regrets about our choice to adopt but I was reeling. I was grieving in such a real way. I missed my old life. I missed being able to leave at the drop of a hat and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. My days were suddenly mandated by nap time and dirty diapers. Cleaning up constant messes and play time with a child I didn't even know and who most of the time didn't want to know me. She was difficult and would look at me with such disdain I wanted to scream "do you have any idea what I've gone through to get you?!!!!!"
But the truth is she was the normal one, I was the one in a crisis. And a large majority of it had to do with me and my selfishness. I mean we are all selfish. But I didn't realize just how selfish I was until Jenna Grace came home.

And it took me awhile to see it and it wasn't just the adoption. I haven't shared this on my blog because it has been too personal and way too painful but my dad cut me out of his life last Christmas. It is a long story with a 40 year history and I've been coming to terms with so much junk I never could admit let alone accept and have started The Healing Path. Its been life changing. Anyway, I digress...the worst part is when I tried to make amends and apologize he told me it was too late. For the last 8 months, silence! So all of that pain of rejection coupled with this new pain of this new life that I didn't realize I had signed up for culminated and I felt myself spinning out of control. So, I did the only thing I knew to do, besides pray, I isolated. I cut myself off from the outside world and withdrew into a pit. I was in a valley and it was dark and cold and painful and worst of all, it was lonely. I cried and I cried and I cried until I had nothing left. I begged God to take this from me. I begged him to remove the thorn from my flesh, like Paul, and I waited. I waited on Him. I talked to my husband at length and a couple of close friends and I hoped.

And then, there was light. Just a little. Just enough to know I was going to climb out of this and that is what I am doing. Climbing my way out of the valley a little at a time. I've had several moments that have snagged me and I'll feel like I'm falling back down but I'm not and I know God has me. I know He won't let me fall and even if I do fall, I am never alone because He promises I won't be.

Its not easy being this transparent in such a public forum but lucky for me only a handful of people grace me with their presence on this blog.

So, where are we now? Jenna Grace is doing fabulously. She is such a parrot and thinks she is so funny with all the repeating. She is potty training. I know, crazy right? But it just kind of happened and so I ran with it. She gets a sticker every time she goes and has a little paper in her room that is full of them. So proud.
She loves bubbles and her swing set and going for walks. She is so smily and happy almost all the time. She understands everything we say and I'm sure one day out of the blue she's just gonna blow us away and be a little chatter box. She will be 2 on the 22nd. No party this year. And the only presents allowed are books and puzzles. Mama's a nazi. I just don't want more toys when she barely plays with the ones she has. She loves counting and reciting the alphabet with me, and we do it several times a day. She loves loves loves her baba. I do not exist once Brian comes home. Its so precious. She seems to be naturally helpful, when we came home from grocery shopping she started putting away the groceries. So cute. I am looking forward to doing lots of girly things with her as she gets older. She melts my heart daily and I am so thankful God chose her for our family.

Foster Families are AMAZING!

I am so thankful for Jenna Grace's foster family. I know they will never see this but if they could I would want them to read how much I love what they did for my daughter.
It was always so clear to us how well they took care of her. How they loved her and nurtured her and taught her.
Jenna Grace is doing so well and has come so far in just the 21/2 short months we've had her.
Here's a short update:

• she is sleeping through the night in her own room. 
• she loves bathtime.
• she now points to me and says "mama" (she still doesn't call for me but that will come)
• she loves to go swimming and loves her new outside playground. 
• she can say mama, baba, hi, bye, please, thank you, yellow, love you all with prompting.
• she constantly babbles. 
• she tells us when she needs to go potty by pointing to her tush. 
• she copies most everything we say or do. 
• she points to her head and says "bow"? in the morning when we are getting dressed. 
• she loves to rock on the porch rocker and "asks" several times a day to go out there. 
• she gives high five, fist bump, and ET. We learned that last one from Brian's brother. 
• she gives kisses hundreds of times a day to all of us.
• she knows where her eyes, nose, ears, mouth and belly are. 

I think thats about it. I am sure I've missed lots but I'll try and be back sooner than the last post.

I would also like to include the book I just made for her foster parents. I am super excited for them to see this book and see how well she is doing. Enjoy!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly offers exclusive photobook layouts so you can make your book just the way you want.

Where we are 1 month later...

It has been four weeks today. Four weeks ago when we walked into that hotel lobby in Nanchang, China and saw our little girl for the very first time. I remember how hard my heart was beating and how I gasped as I saw her littleness sitting on that very big couch. How precious she looked and how surreal it was after loving her through a series of pictures for 8 months. And now to be sitting here in my living room in NC while she sleeps in my house just feet away from me.
The biggest feeling I have about the whole thing is THANKFULNESS. I am so thankful. It hasn't been an easy 4 weeks. We've already had our share of ups and downs and there are so many more to come but at the end of it all its so worth it.

So, what can I tell you about life with a toddler after 12+ years out of it? Well, I wish I could take a toddler 101 class. I feel like I need several mom's who are at this stage with me on speed dial. I thought I would have more patience now that I am an "older" mom. Not so much. When she has a temper tantrum, I want to have one too. I am still being way too hard on myself and I need to chill out. I've told B this and several friends: at least when you have a baby you ease into this stage, we have been thrown into it. Not cool and not easy. She is feisty, strong willed and stubborn. Problem is, so am I. And I HAVE to win b/c a) I am a control freak and b) I am a control freak. So the battle of the wills has commenced. Lucky for me I've got some serious experience in this area. Baby 2, who is now 16 was like this. And guess who won. Yup, you got that straight and I've got the battle scars to prove it.
But in all seriousness life really is grand.
However, I need to slow my pace b/c I want everything yesterday for some reason. I am still not sure why I thought life was going to resume to normal once home from China but I did. I'm not all "there" sometimes. So now begins the road to "the new normal" and figuring out what that looks like. Like, how do I clean my house or cook dinner. Oh gosh, I am wigging out about that last one. Thankfully, we have THE Best church family in town and I haven't had to worry about that for the last two weeks we have been home but all that wonderfulness ends this Friday. "I won't have a melt down, I won't have a melt down" This chant will work, I promise.
Again, I need to give myself an ounce of grace and take it one day at a time. Life will slip into a routine, I just want everything to have a microwave setting of add 30 secs. That isn't going to happen and I know if I try and make that happen I will make everyone miserable. So not worth it.

On the whole baby girl is doing amazing. We got to go on our first shopping trip since she is so much smaller than any of the clothes we bought. Nai Nai (my good friend Sandy) went too and she had the most fun. She is the queen of fashion and the reason I look decent at weddings or fun events. She knows how to dress it up. All JG's bottoms are size 12months and her tops are 18months. Tiny, considering she will be 2 in September but I love it.
She is an amazing eater and will try anything at least once and doesn't appear to have a picky bone in her body where food is concerned. Of course in some ways that is bad b/c she would just eat and eat if I let her.
She LOVES her brothers and they love her. It absolutely warms my heart to see her with them. I am sure they will be fierce protectors of her when she is older.
We have an awesome night time routine in place and I am so thankful that she sleeps through the night and has one great nap a day.
I am looking forward to introducing her to more kids her age and getting her in the habit of playing well with others.
She's not talking besides mama, dada, baba, and she says these to anyone in passing. I'm pretty sure she was on her way to beginning to speak Chinese when we scooped her up so now her brain is in limbo and probably pretty confused as she works to shut off the Chinese and pick up the English. I know this b/c she understands us VERY well. When I say its bath time she runs to the bathroom. When we say its time to clean up her toys she starts picking up her toys. This is very encouraging to me. However, I know she also understand Chinese b/c a lady at church today spoke to her and she looked up at her with the most inquisitive little face. We've been asked if we will try and keep that. There is no way. First of all we don't speak it so how would we keep it going at home and secondly, I have no interest in doing that. We will, however, teach her about her culture and bring her up knowing exactly where she is from and all that means.

We already had our first social worker visit this past Monday, those Chinese are on it when it comes to keeping tabs. They will be riding our tail for 5 years. UGH! 

Anyway, she said that although it seems she is adjusting really well and certainly adorable she is most likely in "survival mode" and probably hasn't shown us who she really is yet. I don't know what this is code for and or what this really is or looks like. All I see is an almost 2 year old acting like any other almost 2 year old. It is clear she has no idea what a family unit is and I have no doubt she has a lot of issues with security. B and I plan on doing anything and everything we can to love those issues away but other than that, I don't think adoption is a science. And I know the homestudy people mean well but all those adoption classes did for us was put the fear of God in us giving us every single worst case scenario and advising us to read 5,000 books of which I read none. I guess I am not the greatest rule follower after all. 

See, the truth is all I know to do is love this girl with every ounce I have to give and ask God to lead me thru the rest of it. I don't need anyone sitting there judging me or making me feel anymore guilt than I already try and heap on myself. Oh, and for the record...we LOVE our social worker. She is totally amazing and wonderful and we look forward to seeing her. 

I think I've covered most of what was in my heart to share. I do just want to say one more time how thankful I am. Thankful God led us on this journey. Thankful to my oldest three kids for being open to this and for being amazing throughout. Thankful for an amazing hubby who loves and listens to the Holy Spirit and who was an excellent paper chaser. Thankful for fam and friends who loved us through this. Supported us and prayed for us. Encouraged us when we felt like there was no hope. Just thankful. My heart is overflowing for love for a God who adopted us when we were scum and deserved death. That He would give us Grace and Mercy and a second chance. How can I not serve Him? And even though the very thought of another adoption sends shivers down my spine at the very idea (and not the good kind either) I will have my hand and heart open to Him b/c He sees the end from the beginning and His ways are higher than mine. And also b/c just today we had two people at church come to us and tell us that their faith was re-ignited b/c of Jenna Grace's story. I mean WOW! How incredible. My only prayer has ever been that God would get the glory and He is. Just WOW!!!! I would encourage you to please submit to God, open up your hand and your heart. Go to him on His terms and live your life His way and not your own and I promise you amazing things will happen. 

Blessings. 

Trying to find the words and the energy...

I really wanted the title of our first post China blog post to read "No Longer a Picture" but alas our journey home and first week haven't gone MY way and so, this this is what you get.

The morning of our travel day home started at 4:30am. I was the first one up since I'm the longest to get ready. We had to be in the lobby by 5:45am. When we woke baby girl all was well. She was happy, I was happy and B was happy. And then we got to the airport. That is when the train wreck began.
After waiting in line more than 20 minutes to check in with our guide, we were told the flight was so delayed we would have to get on another. Seriously?! Ok, we were calm. Nothing major. We got a new flight and off we go, all checked in and we start to board. I think I should stop here and mention my hubs was in hog heaven when he found out what sort of plane we would be on. It was an air bus A380. A double decker plane. As a pilot, he had hoped to always have the chance to fly on one so this was huge for him. I tried not to be negative but I was not excited. I hate flying at best and now we were going to be on the biggest plane in the world? UGH!
OK, back to boarding. They board us 45 mins before time, we get on and all is well until it takes them almost 2 hours to finally take off. I was at my end and by the time we got in the air I was bawling and cried the first 20 minutes of the flight. My nerves were shot. I can't even explain why. I finally just put on my headphones, my worship music and focused on breathing.
Once we landed in Beijing, we were so late and had to gather all of our checked bags and get re-checked in for our flight to the states so we ran to baggage claim and proceeded to wait for over an hour!!! This was not helping. I think B was feeling it by now too. Baby girl was crabby and I'm sure she felt my tension. All the staring, lack of space in baggage claim etc made it worse. I seriously wanted to scream. We finally got our luggage and booked it to check in. We made it by the skin of our teeth and then paid a cart guy to drive us to our gate. We got on board with just 15 minutes to spare. I don't mind admitting that when that drink cart came by I didn't order ginger ale or water. Get my drift. Within 10 minutes I was a little more relaxed. The 12 &1/2 hour flight to Newark was pretty miserable but not for any other reason except we were just done by this point. 19 days gone from home and knowing even after we touched down in Newark we still had 8 more hours of travel wasn't helping. God's grace kicked in when we landed and we made it through everything flawlessly.
When we landed in Raleigh my emotions were so high I don't even know how I was standing. All I wanted to do was see my boy's faces and hug their necks. Once off the plane I was pretty much off and running. B had Jenna Grace and was laughing because I was so far ahead. I couldn't help it.
As I headed to the exit there was a sea of people and all I knew was I was going to keep going until I saw their faces and had them in my arms. Half way down I spotted Jackson and I began to cry. By the time I made it to Jayden and was hugging him I was full on sobbing. And I mean choked up chest heaving ugly cry. After holding onto my boys like grim death I spotted Sandy. Sandy is like a mom to me and GMA to my boys and now Nai Nai (grandmother in Chinese) to Jenna Grace. I had no idea she was going to be there and it was just icing on the cake. I cried even harder when I got to her and then of course there was Aubrey. Aubrey, who had battled her own demons just to care for my kids was snapping pics and taking video but the second I turned her way dropped it all and we both grabbed hold of each other and bawled like babies. It was so awesome. After 30 hours of travel we were on NC soil and I was giving God all of the glory!!!
Another wave of emotion hit me once we walked into our house but it was quickly contained and then the fun began, giving out the gifts. I hadn't planned on doing that at 1am but we were on China time so we were awake and ready to go.
**Quick side note here: Aubrey would love for me to mention how on the two hour ride home I babbled on and on b/c I was wide awake and she and Sandy sat there and did their best to nod politely and not fall asleep. Thank you girls!!!

The readers digest version of the next few days is this: I got sick sick sick. It started on the flight from Beijing but I just thought it was because I hadn't slept much but after two days home I was so sick I could barely get out of bed. Of course just to be completely honest, I am the worst sick person. I have no pain tolerance and am pretty much just a baby. From Saturday to Wednesday I only slept 10 hours. It was horrible. B called the doc Wednesday morning and thankfully, because I didn't have a fever and it was the day before the 4th they called me something in. Relief. It was certainly a rude awakening feeling that bad with a toddler running around. Reality check for sure. Lucky for me, her sleep schedule adapted quickly. Slept in her crib our first night home and has been sleeping there for naps too and sleeping through the night. LOVE IT!

Here we are 8 days home and three weeks with our girl. Just two days home I weaned her from her bottle and formula. She eats so well, I saw no need to continue with either. She didn't even seem to bat an eyelid at that. Like I said, she is sleeping through the night and we have a very nice bedtime routine. The best part is the rocking her to sleep at night.
She LOVES her brothers. And I mean LOVES! It is so precious to see how well she has adjusted to them. And it certainly helps this momma when I need to shower or start laundry.

Our friends have been just amazing since we have come home. Between the meals, calls/texts/emails, house cleaning etc. we are just soooo blessed. We've had just a few visitors and people are very gracious at giving us our space while we re-adjust to this new life.

I guess I could go into all of the things that concern me or upset me but its not what I am choosing to focus on right now. I would only request that you continue to pray for us. Specifically that we would just lean on God and not on ourselves and our limited understanding in this situation. I guess I could spend hours reading book after book but the truth is every single adoption is so unique because it involves people. And God tells me to lean on Him, to trust in Him and that He will lead, direct and guide me. Well, that is good enough for me. My prayer is that I would remember that when I'm sad, disappointed or frustrated. Thanks for agreeing with me.

I guess that about does it. I'm sure there are lots of details I've missed but there will be more blog posts to come...hopefully.
Thanks again for being on this journey with us. This part might be over, but the next part will be even more exciting so I hope you'll stick around.

Blessings.

One of the first pics of the three of us. You can tell she was not thrilled. 

One of my faves of her. That smile just captivates me. 

I played Monsters Inc on the plane minus the headphones. She would just sit there and laugh. It was so cute. 

How she slept between us. 

On the flight from Newark, we hadn't even taken off yet. 

How sweet!

My FOUR kids!!! So blessed!

The 20 cards and letters we got to open during our trip. They were such a blessing to us. 

I can't believe she let me. 

Sharing her snack. 

She's gonna be a beach bum. And just to boast, my hubs picked out the suit and the hat. 

Love it. 

Her new friend Judah, just four months older. 

Taken today showing off her new shoes. 

Thank You.

Today it is Friday and right now it is 7am. This means that in just 24 hours we will be at the airport in Guangzhou soon to board the first of three flights home. I would like to say at this point that all is well and for the most part it is. However, after being gone for so long emotions and stress levels are slightly elevated. Doing our best to maintain our joy and enjoy even this last leg of the journey might need more focus and intentionality than I originally thought. We can do this!!

My mom's anniversary proved to be very bitter-sweet as I knew it would and if there wasn't so much brokenness I might not be feeling on edge right now but I am. I know I have got to let go what I cannot change, I know this in my head but sometimes its so hard to get my heart to align to this truth. And so as I said in my last post I will choose God and His will, not my own.

Anyway, that is not what this post is about. This will be my last post in China and therefore I thought it appropriate to dish out some shout outs because there are so many people who deserve recognition for all they did during our trip. Beyond Brian's thanks they are in no particular order.

First off, to my hubby: thank you for being the main paper chaser in this whole adoption. Thank you for your patience and level headedness when I was being a complete basket case at so many different intervals during this adoption. Thank you for always remaining calm, cool and collected even when it looked as though everything was falling apart. Thank you for leading us emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for allowing God to move in you and for being obedient to God's will. Thank you for loving Jenna Grace the same way you love our boys. Thank you for loving and supporting me and for helping me remain calm on all the flights. ;0)

To our Reimage Church congregation and staff: thank you for all of your support throughout the past 2+ years we have been walking this road to our daughter. Thank you for all the times you have listened to us whine, moan or complain. And thank you for rejoicing with us as we passed from one milestone to the next. Thank you for covering us with prayer before and while we have been traveling. Your constant encouragement means the world to us and we are forever thankful to call Reimage home.

To our Agency, Holt: thank you for being amazing in every way. From your promptness in email/phone call responses to your patience in answering the same question 50 times and never sounding irritated. Thank you for always taking your time with us and for all the amazing preparations pre-travel. Your staff in the states and in China is second to none. We always felt taken care of and always knew exactly what was going on at all times. All the final paperwork in country was a breeze b/c of the professionalism of all of your staff. Here's hoping we get to work with you again!

To Laurie: thanks in advance for cleaning my house and picking up groceries. You have no idea how BIG these two things are to me. Both will give me, personally, so much less angst coming home. Knowing I will not have to clean my house is HUGE!!! I am so thankful for you and for your friendship that is so real and transparent. I am also so excited for the next phase in your adoption. Oh, and I will forever tell the story of us painting my laundry room...Love ya girl!

To the Daigle's: thank you for picking up the slack with our boys. Thank you for feeding them, loving them, and just in general watching out for them when Aubrey could not. Because of your help I was able to relax much more. Thank you for helping me have peace they were in good hands and well taken care of.
Thank you for all the times you listened while we cried as something else went wrong and for the times you celebrated when things went right. We appreciate your friendship more than you will ever know and look forward to moving into amazing new things with you guys! Paint brush is in hand and purging is my specialty! :0)

To the Teague's: thank you for feeding our boys, checking up on them, mothering them (whether they wanted it or not) and basically being me while we have been gone. Oh, and for driving out to pick up shoes from the boonies. HA HA.
Thank you for laughing and crying with us, for letting us be real and for putting up with all the drama this adoption has brought. Your friendship is the epitome of biblical and we are so thankful God allowed our paths to cross. You guys are next as you embark on the next phase of your journey to judgeship. Don't forget we will make excellent cheerleaders. Or at least I will, Brian actually understands what is going on. ;0)

To my precious friend Sandy: thank you for loving our boys like they were your own grandchildren. Thank you for spoiling them rotten and letting them be silly kids. I so appreciate the way you treat me and my family as if we are your family. Having no family close by sure helps close the gap. I am so excited to watch as Jenna Grace falls in love with you as we have. I love you!!

To our sweet friend AUBREY!!!! Girl, where do I even begin. The start was rocky but I am so proud of you and how well it ended. You became a shining star. Thank you for being willing and for finding that sacrificial bone in your body. I knew it was there. ;0) Thank you for loving my boys and taking care of them so well. Thank you for getting them where they needed to go and safely. Thank you for keeping the house in one piece and for preparing them for camp. Thank you for making sure that even at camp all was well. Thank you for spoiling them with all the things they like to eat and drink (even though it meant they probably haven't slept well ha ha). I knew God had not led us wrong. We both just had to find our feet. I hope you will take this experience and realize you really CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES YOU STRENGTH. I love you girl and am so thankful you are part of our family and such an integral part of bringing Jenna Grace home.
P.S. Thank you in advance for the clean sheets on my bed. HA HA!!

To all of you near and far, family and friends: Thank you for all of the support whether it be prayer, verbal encouragement, gifts or finances. We hope you know we couldn't have done this without you. We have always maintained this about adoption: we don't need help raising her, just help us get her home. Well, you have certainly done that and we couldn't say thank you enough!!!

To all the writers of the 19 letters and cards: WOW!!! Thank you for making us laugh and cry (well me anyway). Thank you for putting on paper all the encouragement and support we have already been feeling. It was so amazing to open those cards everyday and feel all your love and prayers from 7,000 miles away.

I am so hopeful I haven't forgotten anything or anyone. I have done my best to convey just how thankful we really are, although I am not sure I could ever say it well enough.

As we begin our journey home we still covet your prayers and so look forward to seeing you all soon. We have decided that once home we will cocoon for a minimum of 2 weeks to give us time to recover from jet lag and also to assist JG in acclimating to her new surroundings. She has done very well and come very far in just 10 short days. However, she is deathly afraid of strangers and that is exactly what her brothers will be to her. So, in order to help the transition go more smoothly we ask for your patience as we lay low for a little while to help her adjust. Please pray for that specifically as I certainly don't do well "stuck" at home. Thank you once again.

Blessings.

10 Years

10 years ago on this very day at 10:46am USA time I sat with the rest of our family and watched as my precious mother breathed her very last. As she went on to be with her Heavenly Father I ached inside and wondered how I would go on and live my life without her.

Today, I can think of no where else I would rather be than in this country with my own daughter hoping I am creating a legacy as rich as hers.

My heart feels desperately sad that Jenna Grace will never know her Grammy and the wonderful woman she was.

But on the flip side, I can honestly say I am so happy my mom isn’t here to bear witness to how our world and our family in particular has evolved over the past 10 years. Her heart would be so broken.

And so as I take a moment to silently grieve for her I am hopeful that Brian and I have made her proud. I know that it is partly because of her example of selflessness that I was able to see past my life and the things I wanted to reach out for something else and eventually open my hand and heart to God for His will and not my own.

You see the truth is, this adoption was actually born out of selfishness. It was born out of pain and selfish ambition. I wanted a daughter. I had just lost my mom and that relationship meant the world to me. And so, in an effort to re-create it, the idea of adoption was born.

God, however, knew it would become so much more, and thankfully, because I chose to seek Him, it did.

I’ve written about my mom more times than I can count over the last 10 years. I’ve shed more than my fair share of tears and cried out to God in anger, frustration and brokenness. He really is near to the broken hearted and He really is a Father to Fatherless. So as this milestone passes and as I allow God to begin a new thing in me, my life and the life of my daughter I will forever have my hand and my heart open to Him. I will truly and with all sincerity say not my will but YOUR WILL be done. I know it won’t be easy but as this trip to China has proved IT WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH IT!!!!

BLESSINGS.

All the RANDOMNESS I can muster.

Today makes 15 days in China. It took me more than 10 to get over jetlag, B a little less than that. Any bets on how long it will take when we get home? I hear its way worse coming back.

Baby girl said mama about 4 times now. Not really to me necessarily but I'll take it.

In every restroom we have been in there is only ever one "normal" toilet. The rest are squatty potty's, you have to have your own toilet paper and I've stopped being surprised that women don't shut the door while squatting.

Young people here are very touchy-feely it seems. Boys and girls alike are always walking around holding hands (same sex), arms around each other in very intimate ways while standing or sitting. Its a little bit uncomfortable.

Also, with regards to young people there seems to be no trends at all fashions-wise. It really looks as if anything goes.

While in the malls its always crazy to me that there will be at least 1 but usually 2 people standing at the entrance of the stores beckoning people in. And it doesn't matter if you look like us, they will talk to you as if you understand them.

The people here have no concept of personal space and depending on where you are no concept of personal hygiene either. However, they have all been very friendly to us and always dote on Jenna Grace.

When the escalators aren't in use they stop moving.

There are signs in our hotel room reminding us not to drink the water.

Malls are as prevalent here as gas stations are in the states.

I can tell travel is imminent, I've started dreaming about it. Last nights dream was of an airplane with no roof that sat 70, the pilot was about 170 and there were no seats.

I wish I would have kept track on my pedometer how many miles I've walked since being in China. I'm sure the number would have been pretty impressive.

The newest foods we've introduced our girl to are baked mashed potatoes, frys, chicken nuggets & hamburger from McD's, quesadillas, and watermelon. All winners.

All the workout machines are totally in English.

Most of the signage in Guangzhou is in Chinese, English and Arabic everywhere we go.

If I lived here I would never get used to seeing my dinner swimming in a tank near by then on my plate 15 minutes later or the insane live things they sell at the grocery store or the way they display their meat! Check out pics below.

Now that we are here I still say yes, adoption is one of the hardest things we have ever done in our lives but it is more than worth it and I would do it again if God says to. 

We have 4 and a half days to go. Approx. 29 hours of travel coming to us. We will leave on a Saturday and get home on a Saturday. We covet your prayers. Thanks. 

Blessings. 

One week with our girl and one week until home!

It has been just a little over a week since we were united with our sweet baby girl.

There is just one thing that let me know how comfortable she is getting...TANTRUM!!!! It wasn't a big one but it definitely was one and guess what I did? I bet you think I'm going to say give in but nope. I figure if you're comfy enough to throw it then you're comfy enough to realize you're not gonna get your way. She calmed down pretty quick but then refused to eat. OK, whatever. B took one look and said Jenna Grace, you don't know who you're dealing with. You do not want the wrath of mama. HAHA.
Another thing that is letting me know how attached she is to me is the crying whenever I leave her sight. I am not gonna lie, I like this. Not b/c she is being tormented on the inside but b/c I think she really knows who I am to her and I am part of her security.

We have just 5, count 'em, 5 more days until we will be on a plane and coming home. I have lost probably 5 pounds since I've been here b/c there is no way I am able to eat enough. This next 5 days is literally about waiting. Waiting for the paperwork to be finished and waiting to go to the exit interview and final Visa appt where we take our oath. I got JG a cute little red, white and blue tee for the occasion. I hope it fits.

Yesterday we went to the famous Shamian Island. I say famous b/c for years this is where all adoptive families would stay while here in this city. However, in the last few years they closed down the big hotel for remodling. When we got there yesterday I could see why it was so convenient. Laundry, a million shops, eating, parks and its so beautiful. We spent over 4 hours there and I hope to go back before we come home. We were able to drop our laundry off and they will deliver it today. We had so much yet it only cost us $25 to get it all done and delivered.
We hadn't been there too long when we bumped into John, Danielle and their little girl Lily. I mentioned them in another post. They are part of our Holt group and we did the Beijing thing with them. We all get along great. Brian and John are such dorks together and Danielle and I just laugh and walk away pretending not to be with them. Yesterday was no exception, especially after they both bought Mau watches and John insisted on telling me the time every 15 mins. It was funny. After we had walked around, eaten lunch and bought everything and anything we could get our hands on (including cuban cigars...sssshhh) we did our best to hail a cab. NO SUCH LUCK! We tried for a good 30 minutes. Finally, we realized it was 3pm and our info sheet said that between 3-4 is a shift change so most cabs will not stop. Great! Now what? We had only one choice left...THE SUBWAY!!! I have never been on a subway in my life b/c they are 1, underground and 2, they are underground. But it was this or walk for over an hour back to the hotel. Thank goodness Jenna Grace had fallen asleep b/c there were so many people she would have had a complete meltdown. Of course the downside to her sleeping were the hundreds of stairs up and down B had to carry her in the stroller just to get to the subway. Don't the Chinese use these things? By the time we made it there we were all hot, sticky and DONE! I have to say, despite all of the negatives we found the upside and had a laugh all the way back to the hotel. I was not about to lose my joy over THAT!
That night we had dinner with our friends we met in Nanchang, Sergio, Ginger and their little girl Naomi. We just love them. They live near the DC area and besides being believers, Brian and Sergio share Polish heritage and a birthday.

We were in Starbucks and she started hamming it up. 

Isn't her shirt the cutest?

Some statues on Shamian Island. 

Just some of the beautiful foliage on the island. 

A wine shop. B said the cheapest bottle was $300. 

Don't ask. ;0)

I told you. DORKS!!!!

Walking to the subway, she was fast asleep 5 seconds later. 

WIPED!!!!

Subway craziness. 

You would think after all this time in China I would be used to the masses by now. Nope. It still astounds me. You can tell I've never lived in a big city. By the time we got on and off the subway twice we had become just as pushy as them. You have no choice, they will not move unless you move them. Even with a stroller. They just don't care it seems. So its move or be moved. We moved. 

Please continue to pray as we wait out this final week and prepare to travel on Saturday. We are so beyond ready to come home there aren't words. We do want to say how thankful we have been for the cards we've gotten to open everyday. They have been so amazing and encouraging. Have a great day/week. 

Blessings. 

Just a quick one.

Just wanted to post this little video of our girl giggling.

Its 520am here and I've been awake since 420. Seems I have fully recovered from jet lag (meaning I can go to sleep without help and stay asleep) but about 430am or so is as good as it gets. I think I'm gonna head to the gym and work off breakfast before I eat it. HAHA.
Bfast is the best meal of the day, they have everything and anything you can imagine and its not just breakfast food either. We as Americans are the only ones who have an idea what "breakfast" should look like. You can find pork, chicken, rice, noodles, dumplings, peas, corn and many other what-we-would-consider dinner items on the morning buffet. Quite odd if you ask me.

Last night baby girl did not get rocked to sleep, mommy laid with her until she was out. She started babbling to herself which was adorable. Brian caught a sec of it and posted it on FB. I just loved it.
She is responding to her new name and she is understanding us. Its so incredible to me and I can only give God all the credit and all the glory for this.
Also, bath time tears lasted only for about 10 seconds last night. After that, she played happily and no tears when I got her out.

Just to brag on Brian for a min. When he went to our meeting/paperwork check yesterday while we napped he was the only one not missing one piece of paperwork. He's such a stud. ;0)
He is such a precious girl daddy. And I love seeing them together. I love the smiles she gives him and how she wraps her arms around his neck. I can tell she feels very secure in his arms and if its close to sleepy time, she will nuzzle her head into his neck and be out in a new york second. I am so excited to see their relationship blossom.

We are having an amazing time meeting all the different people from all different walks of life but we are ready to come home. Back to our life with all the amazing people in it. All of you back home reading this, we love and miss you. We are so thankful to be surrounded by such an amazing group of supporters. We are beyond blessed by all of you near and far who constantly support and encourage us. We are looking forward to several road trips to OK and FL so Jenna Grace can make her debut. God is good.

Blessings.

Not as good as I should be...

I really thought I would have this blogging thing down to an art while in China but that just isn't happening. 

Last night we arrived in Guangzhou. It was a breath of fresh air in more ways than one. In comparison to the last two cities we were in, it was clean, beautiful and the air seemed smog free. Baby girl did amazing on her first flight. I had a bottle at the ready but less than 5 mins after take off she was fast asleep and stayed that way until touch down. It was about 97 degrees outside when we met our guide and while waiting for the van to pick us up I thought I was going to melt. However, another nice difference was the van ride. Air conditioning. It isn't that the taxi's in Nanchang didn't have air, its that they clearly felt there was no or little to no need for it. Never mind the westerner's in the back drowning in puddles of sweat. That is another big difference between China and the USA in general. The weather conditions in Beijing, Nanchang and Guangzhou are crazy similar to NC but...in NC I take a sweater with me b/c the a/c makes being inside COLD. Here, not so much. Its not a priority. In fact, in the airport in Nanchang while we SAT and waited, I almost had a melt down it was so HOT! I'm complaining aren't I? Sorry. Just being honest. 

OK, so we got all checked in and walked into our room and I thought YES, if I have to be in China 7 more days...this is the place to be. It is so spacious and its a great view. I mean, our room has one and a half baths for crying out loud. I can handle that! There is a mini mall on the first floor and a STARBUCKS! You know my hubby is a happy man. There are also 2 kiddie play areas, not that baby girl will let me put her down long enough. HA!

Although, last night once in the room she came out of her shell and it was THE most precious thing ever. She was being silly. She was laughing at us and with us. She would get up and down from the couch. She was playful and funny. We loved it. She even smiled when we face timed with Brian's brother and his fam. And this morning when she woke up I went over to see a smile on her face and no tears when we changed her diaper. God is good and I know He is mending her little heart and helping her feel secure. And I know all of YOU praying is why! Thank you!! I wish I could say I have pictures of it all but with her being so shy, that is just not going to happen. 

Onto this morning. It was so nice to be re-united with our group this morning, some at breakfast and some in the lobby before the medical check. As we headed to our medical check I think baby girl knew something was up. She was very whiny and clingy. I was not looking forward to it and once we got there I knew my senses were right. It was organized chaos. There had to be at least 50 other families there all doing the same thing. We felt like cattle being herded around. The first thing was to get her photo taken for the visa. Yeah right! With Brian holding her she still screamed bloody murder and finally the photographer had to get Brian's permission to use the pic of her screaming. Really?! You have to ask. UGH! Next were the medicals. There were three checks. One was ENT, second was height, weight, and third was general physical. She wailed and wailed and wailed and by the time we were done I was crying, exhausted and dizzy. Thank goodness she was under 2. We had friends there who had to leave their kids in a room with a nurse to get a blood draw for the TB test. There is no way I could have done that. I wasn't the only mom crying today, thats for sure. We were the first of our group to finish our med check and we headed downstairs to wait. I felt so bad by this time. Dizzy, as if the floor under me was jello. It was awful. Maybe it was the sensory overload. By the time we were on the bus going back to the hotel all I could think was how far back would this push things. Thankfully, no sooner did we get back and head to the restaurant for lunch and there was our little girl's smile and playful mood again. Oh God, how I love you!

As I type this she is napping (I already took mine) and Brian is at a Holt meeting downstairs for more paperwork checks. I am starting to think this paper work thing will never be over. 

Tonight and tomorrow we get to do whatever we want and I am hoping for some pool time, but we will see. 

Its funny, I figured I woud take a thousand pictures and I haven't. I think its b/c this whole thing is not like being on vacation at all. My mindset is different. My focus is Jenna Grace. I really couldn't care less that I am in China. I don't even see this as a once in a lifetime opportunity either b/c I figure we will probably do this again so I'll take more pics then. 

Just a side note, we've had people ask why we have to be here so long. Well, while we were in province we had to wait while they processed her passport which was applied for on Monday and picked up just 30 minutes before we left for the airport on Friday. And, just a guess but I'm sure they pay to expedite that b/c passports in the states take at least 6 weeks. This week, they process her visa and medical check. The medical check will be written up by Monday and the visa will be done by Thursday, I think. Its no different than the states. When we applied for our visa's to come here, they took 5 days. Yes, its red tape, yes its control and guess what? At this point, I don't care. I would do it all over again in a heart beat. 

Its not the best pic but here she is in all of her cuteness walking on her own.  

Blessings.