Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City and The Silk Factory.

Today was our last day in Beijing. It was so hot with very little moving air. As we set out to the square it was unbelievable to me just how many people there were. It doesn't matter where we go or what time it is, there are always masses of people. Anytime you walk past shops of any kind people are in your space trying to sell you something. They don't care that you don't understand Chinese, they will talk to you anyway. Most of the time it will take at least 4 no's before they will finally walk away. It also doesn't matter that our tour guide is speaking, they will still just start talking to you. 

Our first stop today was the T Square. Below is Lydia (our tour guide) giving us the history. She is such a wonderful guide. I have zero retention so I recorded several of her talks. Her English is excellent. 

China's National Museum. We did not visit here. 

Our second stop was The Forbidden City. The masses were much worse here.  Air quality in general is so poor, add to that the congestion of people and 3/4 of them smoke and you feel like you can't breathe. 

The buildings were really beautiful. 

This is Danielle and John. They are from New Jersey and have 2 bio kids. 2 boys. This is their first adoption. Their little girl, who they are naming Lilly is 7 and they will meet her Monday. John and Brian got along famously. 

This is Jill, her daughter, Kiana and Jill's mom, Sharon. They are from Wisconsin. This is Jill's 3 adoption. She also has 3 bio kids, all boys. Kiana was adopted from China in 2002 and 2 years ago her and her hubby adopted a little 8 year old girl from Ethiopia. 

This is Carl, Beth and Jack. They just joined our group today. They are from Baltimore. This is their second adoption. They adopted Jack 2 years ago when he was 2. 

This is the original bed of the once Emperor of China. 

These next few pics are in the Imperial Gardens in the Forbidden City. 

Brian and me with our tour guide, Lydia. 

I found these placards today and just had to get them. 

I bought JG 2 articles of clothing from the silk factory. Brian has all the pics from there. It was really amazing. They showed us how the silk worms evolve and then create the silk. These 2 pieces of clothing are 100% silk. They are much more beautiful in person. I am hoping the bottom one will fit her for her dedication at church. 

I just think these little cars are so hilarious. You will see them all over the city. 

There was something so sad I just have to mention b/c it really moved me. We were walking back to the bus and this long stretch of sidewalk was peppered with people trying to sell us everything from flags to hats and so on. But then there were all these people about 20 feet apart sitting alone pan handling. But these pan handlers weren't like anything I had ever seen. Several had missing arms, or seriously deformed legs or arms. One man looked like he might have been a dwarf and had such a horrible deformity in his back his shirt couldn't cover the lump. But the one who struck me the most was a man who had been burned all over his face, chest and torso. He was also missing his left arm and he clearly had not been taken care of very well. I found myself weeping, yet he was singing, not just asking for money. He could sing. I thought here is a situation that with my eyes seems so helpless and hopeless but he is still doing what he can. And his can was full of money. Whatever he was doing was working.

After just these few days here and all I have seen, all the poverty, all the hopelessness and all the darkness in people's eyes I am so thankful to know Jesus. It also inspired me to be mindful to keep my hand and heart open to what God has for us after this adoption is final. It can't suddenly be about me b/c we bring JG home. I have to admit, after being here only 2 days I decided I didn't want to do this again. But, its not about me. Its about God. Its about His glory and not my own. So, I will seek Him for the next step and trust Him. Who knows, it may not 

So, its 9:19pm and our flight is at 11:20am tomorrow morning. We fly to Nanchang and at about 4:30pm we will meet our girl. I have butterflies even as I write this. It is so close. Please pray for us. Please pray I have no anxiety b/c I can't take anything for this flight. I don't want to be out of it before meeting her. Most of all, pray for JG. Tomorrow her whole world is going to fall apart and we won't be able to explain anything to her. Pray our emotions remain in tact and that facial expressions and affection will be enough to comfort her as she grieves her loss, which is HUGE! 

Thank you for walking with us. We are beyond thankful for you. 

Blessings.

Visiting one of the seven wonders of the world.

Our day started very early again. I woke up at 4 and just laid there willing myself back to sleep to no avail. By 430 B was awake so it was game on. Time to get ready for our first day of sight seeing. Today's site was one of the seven wonders of the world, The Great Wall. It was pretty amazing. And despite how steep it was and my completely unnatural fear of heights I climbed all the way to the third tower. It was incredible. Brian actually did it twice. 

Good morning! 

Squatty potty. If I ever have to use another one again, it will be too soon. 

Since 2000 couples have been coming and adding a lock to signify their marriage. They then throw away the key signifying their commitment cannot be undone. Pretty cool.

About to get started. Lets do this!

The second tower. I considered stopping here. However, I figured you don't come 7,000 miles and not go all the way.
And before anyone says anything, I know...its 4,000 miles long but three towers was the group goal. 

Isn't that incredible?!

B climbed up into the third tower. He was pretty proud of himself. ;0)

Showing on the map where we climbed to...I can't quite reach up that high. 

Whew! And we're done, hot sweaty and exhausted. Next stop...

The Jade factory. 

This entire thing was made from one piece of jade. It only costs $61,000 and that includes shipping. 

This is the family ball. This one has three layers, all made from one piece of jade. We bought one but its smaller. Brian was fascinated with this ball. It signifies a good and happy family.

B said you're supposed to rub buddha's belly for luck. HAHA!
(Did you notice my jade bracelet? I will pass it to JG when she gets married as is custom)

A jade carver. 

Our rickshaw. We went to visit historic Beijing. 

The owner of this house, woman on the right, has had this house in her family for over 120 years.  One of the chairs in that room was over 100 years old. 

Beautiful love birds. 

Tomorrow is another day of sight seeing and lunch with the China staff from our agency. We are looking forward to that. Although tomorrow also means we are just 36 hours and one more flight away from meeting our girl! Please pray for calm spirits and an accepting heart. Its hard not to be nervous. Thank you. Blessings.

Observations and an Update on JG

It is incredible to me just how hard you sleep when recovering from jetlag. B and I laid down at 2 and awoke at 530. But when I looked at the clock I was sure it was 530am. Once I realized the actual time I was astounded. I had dreamed and felt like I weighed 200 pounds while trying to get up.

So, just some quick observations during our day and a little bit of the night on the town. I already talked about all the staring. It didn't get any better when we went out this evening. While looking around in most stores few people know the meaning of personal space. They will follow you around and stand a foot away, literally. Its very odd. 

There are these market places that sell everything and anything you could want food wise and anything else. But lets talk about the food. Everything is on a stick. And I mean EVERYTHING!!! Scorpions (some are still moving), octopus, bug, crabs, the list goes on and on. The smell is so strong and the people behind the carts are all trying to yell above each other in the hopes you will come and buy from them. 

I am sad I don't like the people or the city more. But I can't worry about that. I will continue to choose joy knowing where it comes from. Also, focusing on the objective. To be united with our daughter. 

Another thing is people are just so forward. They start yelling at you and trying to ask you questions. On the way home from dinner B and I just kept walking. We didn't want to be rude but there is no helping them understand you aren't famous and you don't have anything to give them. 

As we made our way through downtown it was dark and looked like New York (well at least the pics I've seen). 

The worst thing though, was no toilet paper in some of the public bathrooms or worse yet, only a hole in the floor in which to pee.  Luckily, I was warned about this and had kleenex at the ready. Whew. 

Downtown. In about a 2 mile radius there are 3, count them 3 malls.  And we are talking 5 levels of shopping and eating at each. 

Do we have this in America? ;0)

I was not going to ask someone to take our pic. See McD's in the background. 

As I mentioned earlier, the traffic here is insane. What's more insane is  that there are just as many bikes/scooters/motorbikes on the road. No helmets, nothing. And I am not kidding when I say, you are taking your life in your hands on those roads. Plus pedestrians have no right of way here. They will totally run you down and not even look back. 

Market place...see the octopus hanging over the side. You've never smelled anything like it. 

And of course...My man's main place to make life happen for him. :0)

And the best way to end the evening, an update of on our girl. She is still 23.5 pounds and 33 inches. Very sad, though. They shaved her head. I guess that is their way of getting her ready. We also got a ton of info on what to expect while in her province and info on her foster parents.

So, last update for today. Tomorrow we meet our group at 830am and we go to The Great Wall. I am looking forward to that. Trying to enjoy every moment but the truth is, I am just "getting though" b/c Sunday is when things will get really exciting so stay tuned. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. We CANNOT do it without ya! Blessings.

On our way to Jenna Grace, Day 1 and 2

It is Thursday at 1:44pm and we are in BEIJING!!!!!!

I had every intention of posting something on our layover in Newark but our first flight was delayed so once in Newark we only had enough time to eat and it was time to go. 

Our flight to Beijing was LONG! Brian and I didn't sleep any more than an hour. Even with drugs. It was hard not to be frustrated at that b/c we were just hurting by the end of it. When we finally landed, waded through customs, waited at baggage claim and were picked up I was cooked. I made it 10 minutes in the car before I passed out. And it was probably a good thing b/c the traffic was terrifying. 

We got settled at the hotel, showered and hit the bed HARD. We both slept so hard that when I woke up I figured it was morning. NOPE! Only three short hours had passed. But we were awake and decided with the time difference it was probably a good thing. We finally went to bed at midnight. Sadly, we only made it until 4:30am. I went to the gym, got in a work out and we hit breakfast. It was amazing. Finally. The airplane food stunk!!

Anyway, I'm just now realizing how boring this post is. Sorry. We were finally able to face time with our kids and see they were doing fine without us. And allow me to interject how thankful I am to have the friends I do. They pick up the slack every time and for that we are so grateful!!!!

This morning we went exploring and we had barely made it out of the hotel when this couple came up to us asking if we were American. I said we were and she said, "Oh your hair is so beautiful." They walked and talked with us for 15 minutes. They were both art students and their English was very impressive. 

We went in several malls and walked through one outdoor market. We spent the whole time being stared at. Especially me. I thought I would get used to it, but the more the morning wore on the more unnerving it became. People would stare and then talk about us with whoever they were standing with (or so it felt). For the most part, the people don't seem that friendly. Well, except for this one guy who asked Brian if he was a celebrity, b/c of his goatee. That was funny. 

So, now its time to nap and try and get our body's to line up with China. It is surreal being here. Tomorrow begins all the sight seeing and meeting the rest of our group. I am hoping that will divert people from staring so much. In just 3 and a half days we will meet our daughter. I am so hoping I can post pictures by then. So far, we have not had much luck with the whole internet thing. 

So, be patient and keep checking back for updates. They are coming and I promise will be better than these. HAHA! Oh, and keep praying b/c God knows we still need them. 

Blessings. 

Tick tock, tick tock...

This is the sound I hear silently in my head.

It is the sound letting me know that time is running out.

It is a sound that, if I let it, would torment me day and night. The truth is there aren't going to be enough days or hours left to get everything done before we leave.

But...I will be fine. I refuse to stress and I refuse to lose my joy.

What doesn't get done wasn't that important to begin with. And as long as we have the right paperwork in hand, I am sure we can buy there whatever we forget.

Another way I can tell we are so close is all my crazy dreams. Dreams of meeting her, dreams of her being older, or a boy, not to mention all the packing dreams. Crazy right?! I haven't had any airplane or flying dreams though and for that I am thankful.

My only hope from this point out is that God's glory continue to be revealed. That no matter what obstacles we face while traveling or in country that we remember who is in control and rest in that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news Brian and I had our 18th anniversary yesterday. Considering how we started, it's pretty impressive. Readers digest is this: 8 weeks into dating including 3 planning the wedding we said "I do" I had a 20 month old and we both had so much baggage we could sink the titanic.
But God...(have you noticed I say that a lot) he intervened and after months of counseling decided not only did we fall in love, but we liked each other too. The growth has never stopped. Jesus is the answer every time.



The yard sale that was just going to be small and unassuming has grown by epic proportions. We are now having it at the church bc there is so much stuff and it's still coming in. People's generosity overwhelms me. I am sure my friend Mollie is laughing right now considering at one point I was never going to do one of these, let alone 2!!!!

Today is our last day of end of grade testing and no one is happier than the boys. I'm giving them 2 weeks of do-whatever-you-want-and-I-won't-complain then it's back to some sort of order. They both worked very hard this year and I'm so proud of them. They deserve a little chill time!!!

Well, for me it's off to finish testing them then start all my work. And there is a lot!!!

Blessings to you and thanks for the prayers. Keep 'em coming. We're not home yet.

Reflecting

I woke this morning, of course much earlier than anyone else and couldn't stop thinking about where we have come from in this adoption.

When we began over 6 years ago (for the first time) it was all romance and rainbows. We were going to sweep in and rescue some poor lost child and make all of their dreams come true. I remember exactly where I was standing in my house in Florida as I spoke with our agency. I was smiling as she told me how it all worked and how long it would take. Then she told me how much. Believe me, it wasn't long after that that I started to seriously doubt if this thing in my heart was Rachel-made or God's design.

Soon after, in an effort to keep up with the Jones's we moved into a much more-more-than-we-could-afford house, our agency called to say they had lost their Hague accreditation and so everything just stopped! At that time adoption was the last thing we could consider. We were drowning in a sea of debt, a house payment we couldn't afford but the dream of adoption that would not die.

We moved from day to day just existing. This is what happens when you're house poor. And then two job offers and an email introducing us to Dave Ramsey happened and life began to take a new turn. There was hope again. Hope that we could get out of this huge financial mess we had created and hope that there was a little girl whose life we could assist in changing.

I remember so many times talking with B and bringing up adoption over and over again and he would always respond the same. "Why do you think that b/c I don't talk about it, its never going to be a reality?" He never lost hope, only I did. Probably b/c of my microwave mentality about so many things in this life.

Well, fast forward a couple of more years and there I sit in the spine doc's office being told I have 2 herniations and one bulging disc in my neck. After months of therapy, injections (that did not work I might add) I am facing one mammoth surgery to repair at least one herniation that has begun to compress my spinal cord. I was terrified. Terrified of the unknown, what if it didn't work, the months of recovery, the list goes on and on. I literally had hundreds of people praying for me. People would pray over me constantly and lay hands on me. So, on my pre-op visit imagine my surprise when the Doc said, "Your spinal cord is no longer in danger..." I don't think I heard much else b/c I was so excited just to know I wasn't going to need surgery.

And, b/c of the Dave Ramsey program we were pretty much debt free minus one student loan. It was time and we began our adoption process again!

Then the lessons really began. After the months of paperwork chasing and homestudy visits, trips to the USCIS office for fingerprinting and the basic stripping down to our souls our dossier was on its way to China. We received our LID (log in date) and we knew we could be matched any day!
I remember receiving the first referral. I remember exactly where we were. I remember the emotion. I remember the answer was yes before I even looked at her picture or read her file.
I remember the second, third and fourth referrals. I remember the answer was yes. I remember sitting at my kitchen table and not being able to breathe from crying as our doctor explained what her special need meant and what it would mean for her and for our family. I remember receiving the fifth, sixth and seventh. I remember so well the eighth and ninth. And about the tenth referral I help up my hand and said STOP!!!! I can still picture her sweet face in my mind now. She had severe cleft pallet/cleft lip but the special needs didn't stop there. She had monumental problems that would cost thousands and thousands every year. We would most likely spend more time in doctors office/therapy appts than at our own home. But we wanted to say yes. We never wanted to say NO! We suddenly realized enough was enough. We were about to give up. BUT GOD.

Two weeks later we had switched agency's and a month later had a match. Our sweet Jenna Grace.
I learned patience, I learned trust, I learned to truly lean on God. I learned it is OK to be human and to struggle through. I was told one time (before we switched agency's) you're too emotionally into this. You need to take it down. Seriously?! No, I will never take it down. These are children, not animals. This not being emotional enough is what has led us to the abortion epidemic we now have. I will never apologize for being this emotional over children who have no family. Whatever breaks God's heart I hope will ALWAYS break mine.
What I truly learned and saw with my own eyes is that His eye truly is on the sparrow and therefore on me and that His ways are SO much higher than mine and thank GOD for that!!!

By the time we meet our daughter it will be almost 7 months since we were matched with her. But if you want to be technical its been over 6 years from the very first time we submitted our application.

God knew. He knew 6 years ago, he knew 2 years ago. He has been working all of these things to the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose. In this 6 years I have made some of THE most amazing friends. Friends who, even though I don't get to see all the time have some of the greatest influence in my life. I have one friend, who I met in the blogosphere and even though we've never met I just have this amazing connection with. She has been such a source of encouragement for me. And the best thing is, she's been there and done that 3 times. She knows every thing I am going through and feeling right now. I can be so real and I love it. Just yesterday I sent her a picture of how little I'd packed so far. She just laughed. That is the sign of a good friend. The ultimate pen pal.

I just love looking at all of these things and knowing that if the timing had been what I wanted it to be I wouldn't have learned all of these great lessons and I wouldn't have made all these amazing connections.

I don't know how I can ever doubt the goodness or faithfulness of God. But I think that is why I needed to sit and reflect for just a minute before the craziness of travel overtakes me.

Blessings.

It's actually happening...

Its been 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 2 days since we started our adoption process and now it is finally coming to a close.
This morning our Consulate appointment was confirmed and its official. The upside: we leave very soon. The downside: we will be there longer than we originally thought.
But as I was praying this afternoon it came to me that after all this time waiting, hoping and wondering, 19 days in China is a small sacrifice for a lifetime (Lord willing) with this child.
So, today I am asking for one last thing. Please please please pray for us. Specifically. Here is how.
For Brian: he has a lot of work to do before we leave at work. There is a lot he needs to make sure is in place so he will not feel burdened while we are gone.
Me: I don't fly well and anxiety plays a huge part at the thought alone. Please pray for a peace that passes all understanding. Also, there is so much to do between planning/packing/paperwork gathering and a last minute yard sale. Please pray for things to be smooth and most of all for us to both rest in His timing and comfort in all of this.
Boys: this is the longest we have ever been gone. Pray for their protection and comfort.
Jenna Grace: this precious baby girl is about to have her world turned upside down! She needs the most prayer. Pray for her heart, that God is preparing it even now.

At the moment that is all I can think of but I am sure there is more, much more. Thank you so much for being on this journey with us. It isn't over yet but we are closer than ever.

Jenna Grace, You're on candid camera!!

After a really rough start to my day... I opened my email to see my agency had sent us 4 videos of our daughter. This time she is laughing, running and playing with the camera person instead of crying and running away, like last time. JG is the one in white and yes her butt is exposed b/c those are training pants. It surely brightened my mood. Hope it makes you smile too.

Are you ready for an UPDATE?!!!!

I have been back to checking my email relentlessly waiting for the update to come. It is our final one before travel. TODAY WAS THE DAY!! I was so excited. Then, I wasn't. I'll explain in a minute.

First things first, here are her pics.

She is just so stinkin' cute. I also think
she looks older in this pic. 

A smile. 

Her stats are as follows. She is 22 pounds and 34 inches tall. She has 16 teeth and her feet are 12 cm long which is weird because her last update said 13. I am guessing, based on all the charts I have read she is about a size 6. I will take the shoes I bought for her but I am not holding my breath they will fit. I am also a little nervous about the clothes. In weight the charts say she is on the cusp of 12-18/18-24 months but her height makes her more 18-24 months. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Here are the answers to my questions. 

1. Is she talking at all? If so, what can she say? Does she understand simple commands and directions, for example “Put the toys away, come here or time for bed?”

According to her group home parents, she still speaks baby babbles sometimes and she doesn't talk any meaningful words yet. She can understand simple commands and directions.

2.What is her bedtime routine? Does she sleep through the night?

According to her group home parents, she usually goes to bed at 8:00pm and gets up at 5:30am. Before sleep, she will play for about half an hour. Sometimes she may cry for a short while during her sleep at night and go back to sleep again. She rolls over often when she sleeps. During the day, she takes a nap after lunch for 2.5 hours.

Allow me to interject here how happy I am with this news. At last update she was still waking twice a night and getting a bottle. 

3. Does she still drink solely from a bottle or does she use some kind of sippy cup? Does she drink regular milk or formula?

She still drinks solely from a bottle. She drinks formula.

4. What things cause her to become upset or angry?  What helps her to calm down if she is upset?

Her group home parents said if other children take her toys, she will become upset and angry. When she gets upset, her group home parents will give her some food or snacks to help her to calm down.

5. Does she play well with other children?

She plays well with other children. She will compete toys or snacks with other children, too.

6. Relationally speaking, who is she closest (attached) too?

said she is attached to the group home mother very much.

This makes me nervous. I fully expect I will be the one rejected since some have said the new mom is seen as a threat.  

7. Is she potty trained? If not is she learning and does she understand what that is about?

Her group home parents will ask her to sit on the baby toilet to pee or poops at intervals.

I am not concerned about this in the least. 

8. How does react to strangers?

She is still shy with strangers, but will warm up after a while.

9. Does she like or hate bath time? Teeth brushing? 

Her group home parents said she hates bath. She cries when taking a bath or has her hair washed. They haven't taught her brush her teeth yet.

I know this may sound strange but this and a couple of her pictures kind of ended my excitement. I always had so much fun bathing my boys. It wasn't just something that had to be done. We played and always had a good time. I know things will change with her after time. It just struck me the wrong way. I'm also wondering about the teeth brushing thing. Does that answer mean she doesn't brush her teeth?

All in all I am thankful for the update of course. I think more than anything it is beginning to hit me just how close we are and how much our lives are about to change. 

I have also been following 4 blogs of families who are in China right now. It has been interesting and scary to see how their days and nights have been going with their new kids. 

In other news, I got the suitcases down today and packed JG's. Of course after the update I know I need to take out the pull-ups and just replace with more diapers. There are so many clothes in there but I am sure over half will be donated to the orphanage. Even with all the things we have been buying for the trip there is still another list slowly growing of things to take. B and I want to pack light and just do laundry half way through. Since it will be so hot there this seems like an easy feat but we will see. Packing is not something I like, there is always this underlying anxiety that I am forgetting something major. 

I've been walking/jogging almost 3 miles a day for several months and lifting weights. I am hoping this will help with the holding of a 2 year old that is just weeks away.

I've signed up to do another yard sale. June 8th. My good friend, Sarah will sell her stuff and I'll sell mine. It won't be near as big as the one we had in October but every penny will help us that much more. When you leave kids here money is still being spent. :0) 

The boys are doing well. We officially finish school the 24th and then will just have to do the testing. Things are really coming together for them while we are gone. If we get the dates we are hoping for, the first week we are gone Jack will have basketball camp. The second week both boys will attend church camp locally. In between time will be spent with our good friend Aubrey and my sweet friend Sandy who is like a grandma (without all the wrinkles haha). They love going to Mrs. Sandy's. She gets their favorite food and has 5,000 channels on her T.V. not to mention but Jackson and Mr. Wayne (her hubby) spend hours watching and talking about sports. It will be a good time all around and I can trust she will spoil them rotten. And with no grandparents close by of their own they will have a blast!

There you have it! Next up is TA (travel approval). Since we have the update I am breathing even easier and do not feel near the anxiety I did beforehand. TA will be here soon enough. For now, I am relishing in sleeping in, doing whatever I want whenever I want and of course spending time with my family as we are right now. 

Thank you again for walking this road with us. We couldn't do it without you. Please continue to pray for God's timing and our peace. Thanks. 

I'm a slug.

This is me.

No motivation. Tired. Ready.To.Go. Are we there yet?

I got up and went walk/jogging this morning and it felt so good but since then...
I've been sitting in my bed playing around being a bum. There is so much I should be doing but I just don't want to do any of it. And sitting here only makes me more tired...sigh. What is a girl to do?

The Beauty and Devastation that is Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate, well Mothers. Its a day where, if you're lucky you get a little extra attention, lunch out, hopefully no housework and if you're really lucky some pretty sweet girly presents.

However, for the many of us who are without our moms its the one day we dread. Its the one day a year that the world just screams at you "YOU DON'T HAVE A MOM!"

When my mom first left us in '03 I navigated that first year of holidays pretty numb. I don't even really remember any of those first holidays except Christmas. And as the years went on they did get easier and easier, all except Mother's Day. That day has never gotten any easier and for several years in a row I would just suffer through it. I remember one year in particular. It was the fourth year she had been gone and I was in the shower getting ready for church. The emotion was overwhelming for me and I remember it was the first time I had ever cursed while praying. It makes me smile when I think about it now. God saw my frailty in that moment and understood my pain even more than I did. I'd like to be able to say that the day eventually got better but it didn't. I was miserable.
I remember a friend saying to me once, "But, Rachel you are mom." Yes I know this. But I had a mom much longer than I was a mom. And with the rest of our family being very fragmented and no relationship with my dad my mom was all I really had to lean on. It isn't like I had this perfect mom and I'm pretty sure after almost 10 years of her being gone my memory is somewhat skewed. But none of that matters. She was my mom. I loved her fiercely. I miss her terribly. There are no words to explain just how deep the pain is.
However, I can also tell you just how great my God is. I can tell you that He really is a Father to the fatherless. I have learned so many amazing lessons. God has provided some amazing women to speak into my life since her death.
Nothing will ever be the same as my own mother. I still have crippling moments. Moments where I cry out in an agony that feels physical, wishing I could have just five minutes with her to tell her  everything that is going on. But I can't. So, I stay at the pity party a few minutes longer then I get on with the amazing life God blessed me with.

In the end, the beauty far outweighs the devastation. Just look at those kids! I am so blessed!!!