Hope Springs Eternal

This is a line from a poem written by Alexander Pope in the 1700's. I'm not really into poetry but thought it appropriate because that is what I strive to do everyday. HOPE!
Without hope, despair will set in and eventually... you give up.
I have personally experienced this course in my own life more than a decade ago when I succumbed to the bouts of depression. Instead of continuing in battle, I gave up. It turned out to be the best thing I could have done at that time. I slowly but surely gave up my will and entered into a place of surrendering to God's will. Through medication and some counseling I was bettered.
I don't ever think you ever fully get over something like that, however you choose to live in a different manner. Especially if you want healing to be a permanent fixture in your life. I did. So, I chose. Sometimes I have to choose hourly. Sometimes I don't choose and that's when you'll find me in the fetal position crying out for help. There's the difference though. Now, I cry for help. Because when I am weak, then I am STRONG! Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world. I will not be defeated, I will have the victory because Jesus is my redeemer and He is truth!!!

Why do I dredge up part of my painful past?
As Brian and I were making our way to bed Monday evening we saw an email come through from our agency. It caught me by surprise because it was late. I thought my heart skipped a beat. I pulled up the information about this newest little girl including 4 pictures.
I knew almost right away we would once again have to say no. I forwarded the information to our doctor with my own analysis (something the paperwork did not tell us) and laid down. Like a surge of electricity through a power line, a surge of hope made its way through my disappointed heart and I found myself smiling.

This adoption has been anything but what we thought it was going to be. Our agency is sending us referrals of children whose needs are not even close to being on our list of what we can handle.
We are tired. Tired of saying no. Tired of our thoughts and feeling not being acknowledged. Tired of the unknown. But we are not tired of trusting in an everlasting God whose promises are never to leave us or forsake us.
This adoption is not about us, its about God getting the glory. Its about whatever He wants us to learn throughout this journey. Its about being an example to others in the hard times. (I think I fail more than I have success in this area)
Its not about feelings or goose bumps but about real people with a real heart to make a real difference.
I want so much to see our little girl (whoever she is) come home sooner rather than later. But more than that, I want my relationship with God to be as real as it can be so I can do all He wants me to do, instead of all I want to do!

Please pray, today I feel unable and inadequate. I haven't really dug in his word in a week. Prayer has even been hard. Lift us up. Lift me up. And if you feel led, call me and pray with me. I will not say no!

Love and blessings to all of you. We could never walk this road without you or your support!!

Take God off the Shelf!

Do you do this? Do you have a nice little spot for God on a shelf somewhere in your heart, mind or soul? Do you take Him down just when you need Him but are quick to put Him back when He doesn't work as fast as you'd like Him to?
I have, I do. I know I want to burn my shelf. I am working on it.
This is a reality that, although I've known off and on my whole Christian life, became even more painfully apparent as I've walked this journey called Adoption.
You see, before we even began this process I had spent hours pouring over blogs and websites.  Reading stories and watching videos of "Gotcha day's" and seeing all the fantasy and romance that comes from just the simple thought of rescuing a child. Then once our own journey actually began we sat 2 weeks in a row through adoption class and met several amazing couples also on their own journey. Three of those couples we are now forever joined to. Those three couples received their referrals (being matched with their child) quickly and what seemed in my pathetic mind, effortlessly.
Our dossier was complete, it was in China. Where's our referral? Where God where?? One week turned into 2 and 2 turned into 4 and 4 weeks is suddenly 3 months waiting. Waiting and wondering. Turning down kids b/c their special needs are too severe. Taking God off and putting Him back on the shelf in times of crisis. Crying out, I don't want to do this anymore. I am DONE!!!! What do you want from us??? What do you want from ME??? What am I missing??

I was missing HIM!!! The whole time I was so focused on the end goal I forgot about the ONE who planted the dream in the first place.
Focus on ME Rachel, I am here for you. I am not going anywhere, remember? I told you to wait with confident expectation. I am your HOPE I am your STRENGTH!!!! Put your eyes back and me and stop trying to control everything!!!!!!! I heard HIM. Through all the noise in my head I finally heard HIM. It was beautiful! And there, right there in THAT moment I became totally surrendered.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS. BE NOT WISE IN YOUR OWN EYES, FEAR THE LORD AND SHUN EVIL. THIS WILL BRING HEALTH TO YOUR BODY AND NOURISHMENT TO YOUR BONE. 

PROVERBS 3:5-8

See the part about not being wise in your own eyes? When you try and control things yourself, leaving God out of the equation thats what you're doing. Fear the Lord, shun evil. Now I know it sounds a little harsh to say being wise in your own eyes, controlling things and forgetting God is evil but it is! It brings nothing but anxiety, lack of peace and turmoil. I don't know about you, but I feel completely unsettled when I'm in the drivers seat. These last few days since my own break through have been amazing. This doesn't mean I'm still not checking my email once an hour or racing to the phone when I hear it ring. What it does mean is that I am completely OK knowing things will be when God says they'll be and not a moment before. And you know what? I don't want it a moment before. 

I feel blessed to have experienced this revelation and so thankful people never get in God's way. Like, we didn't somehow miss out on "our daughter" b/c I was being an idiot. God is so much bigger than any of that and I'm so excited to watch my shelf fall!

MY SON DO NOT LET WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING OUT OF YOUR SIGHT, PRESERVE SOUND JUDGMENT AND DISCRETION. THEY WILL BE LIFE FOR YOU, AN ORNAMENT TO GRACE YOUR NECK. 

PROVERBS 3:21-22