So much to say...

I am not a writer and therefore get completely overwhelmed when it comes to blogging. I allow myself into wrong thinking and comparing to others who write so beautifully and eloquently. I have all these thoughts and feelings, this adoption journey alone is one that could fill these pages endlessly. And yet, I don't. I don't write and I don't document all these things because most of the time I feel completely unable to articulate it just right.

So, here I am home from school co-op with a sick kid attempting to share all the latest news. Hang on this could be long.

Two weeks ago was by far THE worst week our little family has had in quite sometime. I, personally allowed myself to become so upset and frazzled I broke out in a rash. Pathetic huh?

I have allowed God to carry all my worries and cares for months. Casting my cares because He cares for me and guess what? Its been pretty easy. His word is so true. But last week I just lost it. Now bear with me for a minute because for those not on the adoption journey it can be hard to understand.

We have been on a paperwork run for over a year now. Just when you think there is light at the end of the tunnel some government agency is there to assure you you are wrong in your thinking and here is some more paperwork to prove they are in control. We are in the last stages of our paperwork and are so close to our dossier being sent to China. We can taste the victory. Well, China likes victories too and I feel they relish in their control. I don't know this for sure but based on the way they change their rules whenever they feel like it I think I'm right.

One of their newest changes, at least to my knowledge is they no longer accept any paperwork over 6 months old.

So, let me back up. The last stage before all our dossier info gets sent to our agency so our agency can send it to China is for it to go through the authentication process in DC and then over to the Chinese Consulate. This has to be couriered from one place to the next. We found a company that does this called The Assistant Stork. Amazing people and highly recommended. They sent us paperwork (haha) to fill out and as I'm filling it out I notice the top in big bold letters.

CHINA NO LONGER ACCEPTS PAPERWORK OLDER THAN 6 MONTHS.

I stop writing. I'm sure I knew this, I 'm sure I received an email from our agency with this exact information. But until you are at that exact stage you read it and move on.

I read it to Brian and asked him to look through our paperwork quick before I write one more letter. Sure enough we have 2 documents out of date, not too bad you think. Except that one of those docs is my Canadian birth certificate which took me 8 weeks to receive the first time around. All I can think is another 2 month delay?!? I drop the pen and can no longer contain the tears. They fall and I sob. I can no longer pretend this is OK. Its not. Why, I cry is it this hard to do something so good. Why does it matter that my birth certificate is 6 months and 2 weeks old? The sad part is, no one can answer these questions for me. IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!

I leave Brian's office defeated and questioning if adoption is for us. I go back to home school co-op and receive some much needed encouragement from my friends.

An hour or so has passed and I'm fine again when Brian comes running over telling me that no he hasn't fixed the birth cert thing but he has found a way to stop the clock on all the other pieces of paperwork that will expire in less than 3 weeks. So, we drop about a grand for all the extra fees but are assured there is a guaranteed 5 day turn around for the rest of the paper work to be stamped authenticated by the Chinese Consulate.

I can now tell you, I just heard from the Assistant Stork 3 days ago and all is well minus the last 2 pieces of paperwork which we are working on. And incidentally Canada is working with us and I should be receiving my birth cert by the end of this week.

The above was just one Tuesday morning. Now for Tuesday afternoon.

We returned home from home school co-op to find Jewel (our 92lb great dane) had gotten out of her crate and had peed over half my bed causing $300 of damage. The only thing that had saved my mattress was the 2 1/2 inch foam topper we had on there. But everything else was ruined. It was awful and the sad realization that had already begun to plague me a couple of weeks before was clearly apparent. She needed a family that could be home for her more than we could thus began my crying all afternoon about that. Jayden was heartbroken as was I but as I've always maintained: you don't have a dog just because you can. You have a dog because you can give it the love, care and attention it deserves. Thankfully, even as heart broken as Jayden was he really did understand that. We placed an ad on Craigslist for her and before the day was over had 30 inquires for her. It was a stressful thought giving her to another family. I wanted someone for her that would give her what we couldn't. So, I prayed and I cast my cares. I knew God cared about this and I knew He would take care of it. And He did. By Friday afternoon we were meeting her new family. A stay at home mom with a 2 and a half year old who had been looking for a dane for their 12 year old dog and because she was home alone a lot due to the fact her husband was in the service. She's been gone a week and a half but have received pics and updates. Its definitely quieter around here but we feel good that we made a good decision in her best interest.

I just want to take a minute (not that this is academy award worthy or anything) to thank some people who were there for us that week.

Laurie, your words of encouragement were invaluable not to mention your help painting. I appreciate your friendship more than I will ever be able to express.

Kim and April, thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement.

Anyone I texted regarding the adoption stuff. Most likely Tracy although I'm really not sure because the week was a blur. ;0)

Most of all my amazing hubby. He has tirelessly worked on this paperwork and been a rock when I feel like we're sinking. There will never be enough words to show my appreciation.

Our baby girl is coming home. God is SO in control and so much bigger than any paperwork issues we could ever encounter. I would like to say I never forgot that during my epic melt down, I just had a moment. I love that God understands my humaness and loves me anyway.

I just know that He will use us to be an encouragement for others on their journey's.

And just one more thing. This past couple weeks has been really exciting because the 2 families we met at adoption class a year ago have positive news! Mollie and Reade just brought home their little boy Aaron from China and Tracy and Jason leave the 27th to meet their little boy J for the first time. God is so good and the best part about this whole thing has been meeting these precious families, getting to know them, praying for them and watching God do His thing is their lives.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the support.

Ps. 68:5-6

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows-
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

Galatians 4:4-6

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:14-16

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children.

Happy New Year and Fear of the Unknown

Happy New Year!!! Once again it's hard to believe another year has come and gone but here we are ready to start anew.

This can be a really hard time for some people. As we watched the ball drop last night I felt a lump in my throat and fought back the tears as a twinge of anxiety surfaced. See for years I battled depression and anxiety. Most of which are due to me being a control freak and worrier.

As I've grown in my relationship with Jesus I have truly begun to grasp the concept that I don't have to worry about anything. I have literally had moments of pure elation when I realize that even death itself is nothing to fear. Of course those moments quickly pass by and I have to remind myself what I was worrying about. Have you ever been there?

All worrying is is the concept of thinking you are controlling everything and/or everyone in your life. For instance, when I go places with other people I always like to drive because then I am in control of getting to said place safely. It's the exact reason I don't like to fly. I can't see where I am going and someone else is at the controls.

But thats just it. I know the saying "Is God your Pilot" cliche but its so true. Is he?

The reality is we are not in control of anything except ourselves and how we are responding to God's call in our lives. And His basic call to all of His children is to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind etc. and to love others. The rest is gravy. He promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. Hebrew 13:5 So, do I do you really believe that or don't we? I know one thing is for sure. He is not a man that He can lie so if that is what He says then that is what is true. Which means no matter how we feel about this new year and all the unknowns God will be there to walk us through all of it.

I feel blessed to have learned that once I recognize I am worrying I breathe a prayer of thankfulness that God has it under control and is guiding and directing my steps.

Psalm 37:23-24 says The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.

I love what this says. All you need to do is delight in His way and even when you do fall He upholds you with His hand. That is just beautiful to me.

So trust in this promise and just wait, peace will follow and you will be blown away by it.

I challenge you today. Rest in God's truths not just for this New Year but for all the New Year's to come and may 2011 bring us even closer to Jesus.