Are you ready for an UPDATE?!!!!

I have been back to checking my email relentlessly waiting for the update to come. It is our final one before travel. TODAY WAS THE DAY!! I was so excited. Then, I wasn't. I'll explain in a minute.

First things first, here are her pics.

She is just so stinkin' cute. I also think
she looks older in this pic. 

A smile. 

Her stats are as follows. She is 22 pounds and 34 inches tall. She has 16 teeth and her feet are 12 cm long which is weird because her last update said 13. I am guessing, based on all the charts I have read she is about a size 6. I will take the shoes I bought for her but I am not holding my breath they will fit. I am also a little nervous about the clothes. In weight the charts say she is on the cusp of 12-18/18-24 months but her height makes her more 18-24 months. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Here are the answers to my questions. 

1. Is she talking at all? If so, what can she say? Does she understand simple commands and directions, for example “Put the toys away, come here or time for bed?”

According to her group home parents, she still speaks baby babbles sometimes and she doesn't talk any meaningful words yet. She can understand simple commands and directions.

2.What is her bedtime routine? Does she sleep through the night?

According to her group home parents, she usually goes to bed at 8:00pm and gets up at 5:30am. Before sleep, she will play for about half an hour. Sometimes she may cry for a short while during her sleep at night and go back to sleep again. She rolls over often when she sleeps. During the day, she takes a nap after lunch for 2.5 hours.

Allow me to interject here how happy I am with this news. At last update she was still waking twice a night and getting a bottle. 

3. Does she still drink solely from a bottle or does she use some kind of sippy cup? Does she drink regular milk or formula?

She still drinks solely from a bottle. She drinks formula.

4. What things cause her to become upset or angry?  What helps her to calm down if she is upset?

Her group home parents said if other children take her toys, she will become upset and angry. When she gets upset, her group home parents will give her some food or snacks to help her to calm down.

5. Does she play well with other children?

She plays well with other children. She will compete toys or snacks with other children, too.

6. Relationally speaking, who is she closest (attached) too?

said she is attached to the group home mother very much.

This makes me nervous. I fully expect I will be the one rejected since some have said the new mom is seen as a threat.  

7. Is she potty trained? If not is she learning and does she understand what that is about?

Her group home parents will ask her to sit on the baby toilet to pee or poops at intervals.

I am not concerned about this in the least. 

8. How does react to strangers?

She is still shy with strangers, but will warm up after a while.

9. Does she like or hate bath time? Teeth brushing? 

Her group home parents said she hates bath. She cries when taking a bath or has her hair washed. They haven't taught her brush her teeth yet.

I know this may sound strange but this and a couple of her pictures kind of ended my excitement. I always had so much fun bathing my boys. It wasn't just something that had to be done. We played and always had a good time. I know things will change with her after time. It just struck me the wrong way. I'm also wondering about the teeth brushing thing. Does that answer mean she doesn't brush her teeth?

All in all I am thankful for the update of course. I think more than anything it is beginning to hit me just how close we are and how much our lives are about to change. 

I have also been following 4 blogs of families who are in China right now. It has been interesting and scary to see how their days and nights have been going with their new kids. 

In other news, I got the suitcases down today and packed JG's. Of course after the update I know I need to take out the pull-ups and just replace with more diapers. There are so many clothes in there but I am sure over half will be donated to the orphanage. Even with all the things we have been buying for the trip there is still another list slowly growing of things to take. B and I want to pack light and just do laundry half way through. Since it will be so hot there this seems like an easy feat but we will see. Packing is not something I like, there is always this underlying anxiety that I am forgetting something major. 

I've been walking/jogging almost 3 miles a day for several months and lifting weights. I am hoping this will help with the holding of a 2 year old that is just weeks away.

I've signed up to do another yard sale. June 8th. My good friend, Sarah will sell her stuff and I'll sell mine. It won't be near as big as the one we had in October but every penny will help us that much more. When you leave kids here money is still being spent. :0) 

The boys are doing well. We officially finish school the 24th and then will just have to do the testing. Things are really coming together for them while we are gone. If we get the dates we are hoping for, the first week we are gone Jack will have basketball camp. The second week both boys will attend church camp locally. In between time will be spent with our good friend Aubrey and my sweet friend Sandy who is like a grandma (without all the wrinkles haha). They love going to Mrs. Sandy's. She gets their favorite food and has 5,000 channels on her T.V. not to mention but Jackson and Mr. Wayne (her hubby) spend hours watching and talking about sports. It will be a good time all around and I can trust she will spoil them rotten. And with no grandparents close by of their own they will have a blast!

There you have it! Next up is TA (travel approval). Since we have the update I am breathing even easier and do not feel near the anxiety I did beforehand. TA will be here soon enough. For now, I am relishing in sleeping in, doing whatever I want whenever I want and of course spending time with my family as we are right now. 

Thank you again for walking this road with us. We couldn't do it without you. Please continue to pray for God's timing and our peace. Thanks. 

I'm a slug.

This is me.

No motivation. Tired. Ready.To.Go. Are we there yet?

I got up and went walk/jogging this morning and it felt so good but since then...
I've been sitting in my bed playing around being a bum. There is so much I should be doing but I just don't want to do any of it. And sitting here only makes me more tired...sigh. What is a girl to do?

The Beauty and Devastation that is Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate, well Mothers. Its a day where, if you're lucky you get a little extra attention, lunch out, hopefully no housework and if you're really lucky some pretty sweet girly presents.

However, for the many of us who are without our moms its the one day we dread. Its the one day a year that the world just screams at you "YOU DON'T HAVE A MOM!"

When my mom first left us in '03 I navigated that first year of holidays pretty numb. I don't even really remember any of those first holidays except Christmas. And as the years went on they did get easier and easier, all except Mother's Day. That day has never gotten any easier and for several years in a row I would just suffer through it. I remember one year in particular. It was the fourth year she had been gone and I was in the shower getting ready for church. The emotion was overwhelming for me and I remember it was the first time I had ever cursed while praying. It makes me smile when I think about it now. God saw my frailty in that moment and understood my pain even more than I did. I'd like to be able to say that the day eventually got better but it didn't. I was miserable.
I remember a friend saying to me once, "But, Rachel you are mom." Yes I know this. But I had a mom much longer than I was a mom. And with the rest of our family being very fragmented and no relationship with my dad my mom was all I really had to lean on. It isn't like I had this perfect mom and I'm pretty sure after almost 10 years of her being gone my memory is somewhat skewed. But none of that matters. She was my mom. I loved her fiercely. I miss her terribly. There are no words to explain just how deep the pain is.
However, I can also tell you just how great my God is. I can tell you that He really is a Father to the fatherless. I have learned so many amazing lessons. God has provided some amazing women to speak into my life since her death.
Nothing will ever be the same as my own mother. I still have crippling moments. Moments where I cry out in an agony that feels physical, wishing I could have just five minutes with her to tell her  everything that is going on. But I can't. So, I stay at the pity party a few minutes longer then I get on with the amazing life God blessed me with.

In the end, the beauty far outweighs the devastation. Just look at those kids! I am so blessed!!!

The Power of a Picture...

Its amazing the power of just one picture.

This week has been good but stressful with the waiting. I just feel on edge. I don't do well on edge. I struggle with not making everyone else miserable because I am. Brian does so well at controlling his emotions that I try and take cues from him. But the truth is I think I've been holding my breath waiting for this article 5 to be picked up and our update to come in, Friday makes three weeks for both. Today I couldn't take it anymore so Brian put in a call to our agency. They called us back after dinner and I got to talk to my angel, Kristen. There was no news except to say there was no reason our article 5 will have not been picked up and on the list they will receive by Friday. OK, this made me breathe somewhat. Then K told us there had recently been visitors to our girl's orphanage and there some pics taken and there was one of her and she would send it to me.
I immediately got on my computer and waited for it to come in.
And then...there she was. And suddenly, I felt myself exhale. I felt a weight just fall off of me. Right then and there I knew I could wait again. I can't even begin to describe how badly I want to scoop her up and love her to pieces. To tell her over and over how wanted and loved she has been long before she ever existed. How, together we will manage all the sadness and grief she will experience and how I will love her until there is no more breath in my body. "Gotcha Day" can't get here fast enough. But until then and until the update comes I am so thankful to God and Holt for this new picture of my baby girl. His grace is sufficient.

40 found me and I embraced it.

Last Tuesday at about this time I was enjoying a quiet day with my family while we celebrated the 40th anniversary of my birth.

I started the day with alone time with the Lord, then enjoyed a 2 and a half mile walk/jog with my two younger boys, indulged in home made pancakes (thanks babe), coffee, a game of basketball, and was back in bed for a nap by noon. It was divine.

That evening found me beyond surprised when I walked into one of the rooms at church and it was filled with all those nearest and dearest to me. All my family live out of state but these people have become my family! It wasn't a surprise party, I knew it was coming but I had no idea how amazing the room would look. My hubby went to lots of trouble decorating it with a Chinese theme and my sweet friend Sandy had a cake made with Happy Birthday in Chinese.

We spent several hours talking, laughing, eating and of course there was singing and lots of present opening. I was blessed by every one of the gifts and the $ will be nice and helpful in China. I was and still am more thankful than I can possibly convey.

I have to note just a couple of the gifts I received because they were so appreciated. A set of Bose noise canceling headphones. I am thinking a must for a 14 hour flight, at least on the way there. I might be busier on the way back with a very adorable 20 month old.
A neck pillow. But wait, this is not your standard neck pillow. This thing goes all the way around up the back of your head and up both sides of your face so you won't fall side to side and even if you do slightly you are well cushioned. And finally, a beautiful silver necklace with a heart on it that says many hearts, one beat. I took the image from their website. It signifies all the people who help make adoption possible. I just love it and haven't taken it off since I received it.

Below are just a few of the pics from a very amazing night. Note: they are in random order, I don't have the time or energy to fix them. ;0) I wish I had a picture of every one of my friends who came that night but sadly I don't. I was/am truly thankful for everyone who celebrated with me. I feel blessed beyond measure.

PRESENTS!!!! My friend, Kerri made the sign. Dove Chocs are my fave and there were 42. Now there are 40. :0)

I love this man more than I know how to express. 

On every table were pics of me from my childhood and coasters with Chinese symbols. 

See the dragon hanging above everyone's head?

There were also Chinese lanterns hanging all over the room.
I didn't get a pic but there were Chinese table runners also.

A wad of cash! Happy girl!

Its almost impossible to get a serious pic with my boys so I posted a silly one instead.
I guess Brian and Jayden didn't get the memo. HAHA.

Even Jenna Grace got a gift. 

Jared and his gf, but I am sure she will kill me for putting this up. They're adorable though. 

Aubrey was the faithful photographer so this is the only good one of her. 

My sweet Sandy, like a mom to me. 

My oldest kid, donning my hat. The thing wouldn't stay on my head.

And the beautiful cake. It was also ridiculously good.
Oh look, you can kind of see the table runner.

In the end it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact, I have since taken on a whole new attitude. I intend to stop running from this aging thing. I can't stop it or control it so why fight it. My friend over at Unexpected Paths wrote about her "annoying friends" the other day and I laughed out loud. At first I wasn't sure where she was going with her post but quickly caught on and realized she was talking about grey hair. I commented that my "annoying friends" are not grey but something else. I didn't say what but I am sure she, and anyone else can figure out what that is. Anyway, they are yet another thing I have no control over so embrace them I must. If I don't, I'll make myself crazy and take anyone with me I can and its just not worth it. 

So, here's to 40 years young and 40 more!!

30's Recap and Other Ramblings.

I can't explain why I am struggling with turning 40 tomorrow but I am. My hubby and friends don't get it. It's just a number, its just another birthday, it doesn't really mean anything, you look great...on and on. Its not that I don't appreciate their trying to make me feel better, I guess I just have to deal with it in my own time.

I remember turning 30 like it was yesterday and it didn't even phase me. My friends and I spent the evening at a British pub eating bangers and mash and the like and devouring chocolate cake with purple icing. I also know it was an early night because B and I were flying out first thing the next day for the U.K.
It was the best birthday present! I left the UK in 1993 when I was 20 and had longed to return ever since. My best friend, Jo had visited me twice so I was ecstatic to be going to see her. We spent two weeks tripping around Lincoln and London visiting friends, family and doing the whole tourist thing. It was amazing. I didn't want to come home. Despite the weather I love the UK and pray for the day we can move there to live.

I never could have been prepared for what I would face getting off that plane only 5 short weeks later.

Mom had been sick since Jan 2000 and even though she never caught a break with the cancer she was a fighter. In early January 2003 she was hospitalized with complications from shingles and more tests revealed the cancer was spreading. They wanted to send her to the infectious disease control docs. She wasn't sure what to do and convinced them to discharge her with a promise she would come back Monday morning for readmission and more testing. I went over Monday morning and she said she wasn't going to go. She decided she was done with all of it. She was tired and wanted to live out the rest of her life without being poked and prodded. I will never forget sitting across from her, she looked straight at me and started bawling. I don't want to die, she said. What do you say to that? I was broken enough at the thought. Yet, just 5 too short months later on June 26th 2003 at 10:45am we sat around her bed and watched as she breathed her last and went on to meet Jesus. It was as precious as it was devastating. We all took turns privately with her to say good bye and when it was my turn I held her hand to my face for a long time willing myself to never forget how it felt. I was astounded at how quickly the color drained from her body and she turned cold. As I made my way home that afternoon, I was numb. How on earth would I live my life without my mother? BUT GOD...
He is bigger than death and I found my feet.

Just two short years later God said GO and we went, to Florida. I never thought in a million years we would move away from Oklahoma but on June 26th 2005 we made the two day trip that would change our lives forever.

We were there less than a year when I knew this was only a stepping stone to where we were really supposed to go but a lot of growth had to happen first and it did. Being stripped of everything and everyone familiar will force you into the arms of God like nothing else and it did. I immersed myself in Him because He was all I had to hold onto. He was all I knew. Brian was away in Texas training for the first 10 weeks we lived there so I was winging it everyday. But, we found a church, I got a job at Starbucks, we settled into a routine and life was good. Until...

Our good friends, the Daigle's told us about a job opening in their church in NC and life kind of unraveled a little. Even though we were settled, had bought a house etc. I felt restless. And more importantly, I felt there was so much we were missing. And I don't mean materially. Adoption had begun tugging at my heart again but we had been so busy trying to keep up with the Jones'es, I didn't think there was any way we would ever be able to afford it. That is until our good friend Betsy sent us this video

After watching this we knew our answer. We started the program the following week at a local church and once again our life took a new turn. 

I am not going to bore you with all the details of our move but just a few short weeks after finishing Financial Peace, again the weekend of June 26th, we moved to NC. 

There have been a lot of ups and downs since moving here but I believe this is where God has us for the long haul. We have friends here that feel like family and I couldn't imagine taking even one step of this adoption without them. 

I think I have experienced every emotion known to man just with all the milestones with my boys that I didn't expect. They all turned double digits, teenagers and then I had my oldest graduate, turn 18 and get his licence all in the same 2 months. That was rough. And not too long ago he also flew the coop. There is no preparing a mother's heart for that, I've said it before and I'll say it again. The woman who writes a self-help book about navigating those uncharted waters successfully will make a fortune. But then again, that is why a book like that will never come to be. Those kind of emotions can't be written about because they are so personal to the individual and we will all handle it differently. My kids are precious to me and they have taught me just as much as I hope I have taught them. The biggest lesson I ever could have learned was how to humble myself to them and apologize when I get it wrong so they never think I think I've got it all together and am perfect. There is a lot of wisdom in that and I'm so thankful to God I learned it. 

I think the 10 year period between my 30's and 40's were some of the best years of my life thus far. Maybe that is part of why I am so sad/worried/scared etc to turn 40. I know I've had the best experiences and growth with my kids, my hubby, and most of all my relationship with God. I've grown and changed in ways I never thought I could. Maybe thats it! Allow me to be vulnerable for a moment. Maybe, I feel like how could it get any better, or what else could there be? Or my life is half over. Or less. God forbid. I won't lie, watching my mom die so young put the fear of God in me, and not in a good way. Maybe that is why I am so obsessed with age. Sometimes you just have to talk it out. I warned you there would be rambling. 

So, there it is. My 30's are officially over in less than an hour and a half or if you wanna get really technical tomorrow at about 1pm since that is when I was born. 

And the truth is, I have a choice. To whine and complain about what I can't change or to embrace it, to own it. To have confidence in Jesus that the next 10 years will be even more amazing than these last 10. To know that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. To wear my 40's with pride, not thinking life is half over but that things are just starting to get good and there is so much more to come. And of course no one knows for we aren't promised tomorrow but I am promised that my God loves me and has called me according to His purpose. I pray these next 10 years will be filled with more of his glory. I pray that I will do everything as unto Him and I pray that I will keep my heart and my hand fully opened before Him so no matter what He asks me to do I can do unafraid because He is the ROCK on which I stand! Join me?

HAPPY 40TH TO ME!

Since it is my birthday, I am expecting a comment. Thanks! :0)

Looking back and why sometimes its necessary.

No one who is constantly looking back can ever move forward. And even if they are moving, they will constantly be stumbling over things because their focus is off. We are told several times in the bible to not look back, to forget what lies behind and press on for the mark of the high calling. The truth is there really is no point in looking back, in pouring over all the pains and mistakes of the past. The wrongs done to us or the wrongs we have done. The reality is there is nothing we can do to change any of it so why go there. Believe me, I've "gone" there many times and the only thing that happens when I camp out is more misery over what happened that can't be changed.

So, why the title? I believe there are times when looking back is not only necessary but could be life saving, or at least sanity saving.
But this looking back involves not all the wrongs that can't be un-wronged but all the amazing things God has done for us. All the ways He has taken us out of the pit, the ways He saved us. I have times when I get in such a funk, my mood is so blah and I am so down I don't want to pray or even read my bible. And it may take me a minute or a day but eventually I will start to look back and see where He has brought me from.
Just take this adoption as a small example. At one point we were drowning and there was no life raft coming our way, BUT GOD. Less than one month later, not only were we no longer drowning but we were already on the shore. He took what seemed hopeless and breathed His life into it.
And as I reflect during these times I will go back much farther, back to the mess I was in when I met my hubby and how He used Brian (unbeknownst to him) to save me from myself. And I can't help but praise Him and thank Him and be so grateful that before I know it, the funk and the blah are gone.

So, I encourage you to look back during the hard times. Not to wallow in the misery of all the things you can't change but instead to remind yourself where God has taken you from. To remember how good He is all the time. He isn't just good when things are going your way. He is good all the time.

Psalm 105

Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;

    make known among the nations what he has done.

 

Sing to him, sing praise to him;

    tell of all his wonderful acts.

 

Glory in his holy name;

    let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.

 

Look to the Lord and his strength;

    seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done,

    his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

 

you his servants, the descendants of Abraham,

    his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.

 

He is the Lord our God;

    his judgments are in all the earth.

Isaiah 12:4-6

“Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;
    make known among the nations what he has done,
    and proclaim that his name is exalted.
 Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things;
    let this be known to all the world.
 Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
    for great is the Holy One of Israel among you.”

Psalm 9:1-2

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

Everyone needs a Debra.

I have a friend, yes I know, shocking!

Her name is Debra. She is amazing. Debra is one of the few people I can be around and be totally myself without worrying she is secretly judging me. I know that she loves and supports me unconditionally. I feel the same way. Heres a little bit of history.

Debra was one of the first people I met when I moved to NC almost 5 years ago. We met at 5:15 in the morning on the door step of Starbucks. She had way too much energy and talked too loud and too much for that early in the morning. Needless to say she gave me a run for my money. HA!
Debra was easy to get a long with and as co-workers we became fast friends. We were so alike in the way we managed and worked like a well oiled machine, in fact we often joked that other employees only got in our way.

I remember the first time I got brave and asked her if she ever went to church, to which she replied, not like I should. So, I invited her. It would be 6 weeks before she would finally run out of excuses and actually show up and when she did it was touch and go for awhile. You see Debra was raised in the Catholic church, so it was pretty scary to her the way we did church. But I think the more she attended our small group and she and I talked about things, the more comfortable she got. Before too long I no longer had to remind her about church, it was just assumed she would be there and I could tell she was loving it.

I will never forget the conversation in my car one day while out shopping. I had never sat her down and had the "do you wanna say the sinner's prayer" talk. I just figured it would happen when it happened. Anyway, we were sitting outside of Old Navy chatting about the previous Sunday's message and she was asking questions I was doing my best to answer. Then she mentioned she had recited the prayer to herself that our pastor had asked everyone to pray. I almost missed what she said. It took me a couple of seconds. Then I said, Debra "you've given your heart to Jesus?" And she said "well yes I have", it was really cool. It was cool mainly because she wasn't just repeating a prayer, she had sat in church for a long time and had really learned what it meant to be a Christ follower and had made a conscious decision that that was what she wanted for her life and her future. I was so honored I was part of it.

Debra has made me want to be a better person. She always inspired me in the work place. Here was this woman who wasn't even a christian (at the time) who was so wonderful towards people. So gracious and loving, so kind and generous with her words and encouragement. And there I was, a christian who was so opposite of that. In the end I think we inspired each other. Our friendship has only gotten stronger and we think of each other like sisters.

I write all of this because this past weekend I celebrated with her at her baby shower. Debra and her hubby Salon are expecting twin girls in July. Their first babies. Debra has never wanted to be anything else but a wife and mom and even though both came a little later than she expected she is rocking it out. I had the privilege of walking with her through meeting, dating and marrying Salon ( I got to be her Matron of Honor) and now to be part of this season is more incredible than I ever thought possible. Debra is going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to spoil those girls rotten!

Deb and the cute shower cake.

The cute way we thanked everyone for coming.
Poem courtesy of Joanna. 

Looking on while Laura matches baby socks

Presenting all the matched baby socks. 

Me looking on while Deb fishes for cotton balls, that was a very unique game.

Laurie, Rochelle and I hosted Deb's shower. It was so fun. 

Laurie and I posing before it all began. 

I heart you Deb!