Too Big for God? I Think NOT!

One of the reasons for putting the adoption on hold was debt. Too much debt. Like many people we had gotten sucked into keeping up with the Jones' and whoever else we were competing with. Also, b/c of all the debt we had incurred I'd had to go back to work almost full time. This was not the situation we wanted to bring another child into, especially not one we had rescued. We felt a little defeated and we weren't sure how to fix the problem we had created. God, however already had the answer before we asked the question. Back in December '07 after our friend Betsy shared a video about a couple who, after completing Financial Peace University, adopted a child we were inspired to check into the program. We completed the class in May '08, moved to North Carolina in June and have been waging war with our debt ever since. The main thing was to sell the house in Florida which took a year but did happen. As of December my car was paid off and just today we paid the last of the 3 credit cards. We still have Brian's car to pay off but we have reached our goal which was to pay off the credit cards and for me to be a stay at home mom again. I am not only at home again but also homeschooling our three boys. Although, a daily challenge we know this is God's path for us.
We have never stopped praying and believing for Grace to come home and we feel closer than ever. We are submitting new paperwork this week and will be back in the system which means we can seek out starting our home study. We know we still have a long way to go but we are confident this is God's plan for our family.
We would appreciate all your prayers, any ideas you might have for fund raising, links to any other blogs you may know about regarding adoption and just general encouragement. Thanks guys!!

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me."

Its been almost a year since we blogged anything at all let alone anything adoption related. Nothing in our hearts has changed regarding bringing our daughter home, we just were doing a bit of cleaning up in preparation. Now that the clean up is just about complete we feel the time is now to move full steam ahead. So, Monday we contacted our agency and are in the process of re-opening our file. Here's what that entails: because its been over 2 years we have to fill out a new application and send in new photos. Then we will have to sign a new adoption agreement. Thankfully, the monies we have already paid are still good except the adoption agreement went up to $900 so we will have to send $200 and we are up to speed. The next step will be the home study. (See side bar for full list of steps) Once the home study is complete we will be eligible to apply for grants and also search the waiting children page on our agency's site. Brian and I are prayerfully considering the possibility of an older child/child with special needs.
Please join us and pray specifically for the following: finances to be in place when needed, the right child, the right time, and fund raising ideas.
We know the time is now but we can't do it without your prayers.
Blessings.

Happy 40th to the love of my life.

The man I love turns 40 today. He is the man of my dreams. He is my soul mate. He is my best friend. He is a leader, a man of integrity. He is an amazing father. He loves God with his whole heart and strives everyday to lead our family in His will. I am blessed to be loved by him and look forward to 40 more years.
Happy Birthday Brian. I love you now and forever.

In Recent Days...

I haven't had the strength to cry
I haven't had the strength to laugh
I haven't had the strength to ask for help
I haven't had the strength to pray or seek...but I did it anyway.
Life has been a whirlwind for us since we moved to North Carolina. Some days I wonder if we missed God b/c it has seemed our world has been more upside down than right side up. Like the only thing constant has been trouble, pain and grief. The other side of that is we must be right where God wants us b/c the enemy is doing everything he can to bring us down and I have to admit some days he wins. Like the last 2 or so weeks for example. With teenage angst hitting us harder than we ever expected, Brian having knee surgery and me in so much pain with my neck I can hardly get out of bed not to mention our impending move. The last 2 days in fact have been the worst. Exhaustion isn't even a fit description. I have felt so heavy on the inside like nothing we're doing is right but I won't be stopped. I serve a BIG God and my problems to Him are nothing. When I am weak, then I am strong. The joy of the Lord will be my strength and one of my favs I will hope in the LORD and will renew my strength. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint.

I think I needed to post this just to remind myself I am a fighter and will continue to fight for my family and for the call God has on our lives.

The Joy in Waiting.

For a few months I have felt like maybe this adoption wasn't meant to be. Going through all of Jared's teen angst has been so stressful at times it has made me wonder how can I do this again let alone with a girl. However, through it all I have also come to see why God put adoption in my heart. Brian and I have had to endure with Jared the pain of him not knowing his biological father. To listen to him wonder aloud "How could he not want to know me and know if I'm OK when he had a hand in giving me life." You have no idea how that cuts right to your heart. But its all part of the preparation for when our daughter goes through the same thing. God has been so quiet about this adoption that I have felt maybe I missed it. Brian told me just Sunday that unless I am talking about something all the time I act like its over. It really made me stop and think. I know in my heart this isn't over. Its just going to take a lot more time than I originally thought. In just the last week my heart has once again swelled with passion for bringing our little girl home. I have once again seen her in my future with our family. Grace is coming home and I am so excited I have found the joy in waiting.

Lots and lots of weekend fun.

This weekend was so much fun. Friday evening I left with Joanna (the youth pastor's wife) for Raleigh with 6 highschool girls. We spent the evening eating, laughing, dying hair and shopping. Saturday we all went to Crabtree Mall where the girls cleaned up on great deals for themselves and also shopped for presents for their families. Despite being with teens, there was no drama and I can't wait to do it again.

Saturday night Brian and I hosted our 20 Somethings Christmas party. Brian was an amazing DJ and we all danced the night away, well the girls did anyway. Jared served as Santa and was the thinnest one I've seen ever. We played the game Dirty Santa (some of you boring people know it as White Elephant lol) and kept it remarkably clean. Now the dancing on the other hand, not so much. There were some pics I just couldn't post. HA HA.

All in all it was an amazingly fun weekend and now I just need to recover before work tomorrow.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving

I decided I am long over due to update this blog and based on some recent status changes on facebook my understanding is people are somewhat concerned for our well being. I am not going to lie, things in the house of Maciaszek have been somewhat stressful for quite sometime. Since I am not at liberty to discuss said things at this time I thought I would at least share a about some other fun stuff.

We are still in the process of Saving Grace just going in a new direction with it. Since our overall intention is to save babies and help other parents adopt we have decided to pursue obtaining our 503 C status and create Our Saving Grace Ministries. Even though we are not ready at this time to pursue our own adoption doesn't mean we can't help raise money for others who are. There are lots of amazing families out there who can provide a great home to a child in need but don't have $20,000 in their bank account. We want to be there to help them. With a non-profit status we can fund raise to help others. So, please pray as we get those wheels in motion.

Thanksgiving day did not go orginally as planned (we were supposed to go to Rocky Mount) since this past week was emotionally and mentally draining, however we did make the best of it and spent it together just the 5 of us. We had fajitas and later made chocolate covered pretzels and crackers. A little tip, read the directions fully before you use Candy Quik. We didn't and our first try ended in rock chocolate. Then we made chocolate chip cookies. Not much luck there either. Apparantly, the Maciaszek's don't like to read directions. Believe me you can mess up cookies but we made the most of it and as long as you put them in the microwave for a few seconds they don't taste too bad.

Today was fun, Brian and I went for coffee together early and then walked around the mall for a few. Having lived in Florida and seen what black Friday really looks like at a mall, the Greenville mall made us laugh. After that we made chocolate chip pancakes, drank coffee and started to decorate. I love our tree. So, now it's Friday evening and we are settled in to watch MI III. Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and enjoy a relaxing weekend. See below for some fun pictures of our adventures in cooking.

Waster

Have you ever felt like you are wasting your life? Like whatever it is your doing is just getting you to the next day or the next week, month etc. That you could be doing so much more yet there is just nothing left at the end of the day. And whats worse? You are stuck. There doesn't seem like there is a way out. Because after all you did put yourself in that situation in the first place. Feelings tell you its awful, feelings tell you you can't do this anymore. All your grace for whatever it is is no longer there. Paul said in all situations be content. But I want to scream I DON'T WANT TO!!!! This isn't what I want to do anymore. There is no future in this for me. When my kids are gone from my house in just 8 short years I am not going to look back and say well I am so glad I did that! I am so glad thats what I spent my time and energy doing. I am so glad I was so exhausted from that that when I was home I was a vegetable. I just never thought this was how it was going to be. But then again I am famous for leaving God out of the loop on a lot of stuff and then wondering why it doesn't all work out. I know there is more in me than what I am doing. And I am not one of those people who can do it all and I make no apology for it (ok, well sometimes I do). If you are, then go you! Is this a pity party? No, it's an expression from an exhausted mom who has realized it's just not worth it anymore and is begging God for a reprieve. Will you please beg with me? 

Invisible Mother

A friend sent me this and as mom's we can all relate. It came at just the right time after God gave me a revelation regarding my family (something I will share eventually).


It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the

kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing

on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:

Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask,

'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'

I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied

history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared

into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about

the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to

compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package,

and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would

become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it

was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He

was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into

a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied,

'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you

make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin

you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are

building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up

at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because

there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for

Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she

hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built

a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything

more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty

that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.

We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

Afraid to fail?

Are you afraid of failing? I am. I think it's one of the main things that holds me back in this life I lead. However, even though I am afraid I encourage my kids (and anyone else I know) daily to take the plunge and "do it afraid". I want them to take risks to help combat fear and get them to "the next level" of their lives. I also want them to fail. Maybe that sounds cruel but I know if they fail they have an opportunity to get right back up and be better than they were before. No one ever taught me that. We have already had several times in our kids lives where they have failed in something whether it be school, sports or relationships and because of our constant encouragement and not allowing them to give up they are becoming 3 young men I am so proud to call my sons. 

ULTIMATELY WE KNOW DEEPLY THAT THE OTHER SIDE OF EVERY FEAR IS A FREEDOM~MARILYN FERGUSON

Endorsement

I have been involved in some kind of sports my whole life. In school I was a runner and played volleyball and basketball  and would compete not only with my school but district wide. As I got older running seemed to me the obvious choice to stay in shape and worked for me for years. Not any more! I have major issues with my knees so therefore cannot run anymore. It was such a hard thing to accept but I knew I needed to find something instead of giving up (which I have kind of done for the last year). Allow me to say I have found it. Now, I have done tried lots of home workouts (remember Betsy?) but nothing has kicked my butt like this. It's called Turbo Jam and there are lots to choose from. Punch, Kick, Jam. Cardio Party 1 and 2. Total Ab Blast and last but not least Total Body Blast. I have been doing all of these work outs for the last 8 weeks on average 5 days a week and I have never seen or felt results like these. So, if you are looking for something and don't have money to join a gym I encourage you to give these a try. Oh, and let me know if you do and what you think. 

Innocence

Saturday evening right as we were finishing dinner our friends daughter Bethany came over to play with Jack and JD. As she was sitting at the table with them while they finished E! news came on TV. No one was really paying much attention until an image of Jamie-Lynn Spears came on and the kids started talking about her show Zoey 101. What proceeded out of Jackson's mouth and seeing his facial expressions was priceless and made me realize just how innocent he still is. Here's how is went down.

Jackson: Ya she is in that show Zoey 101. I really like that show

Bethany: I don't think I've seen it, we don't have cable.

Jayden: Didn't she have a baby?

Me: Ya just recently I think.

Jackson: What??? She had a baby, how old is she?

Me: 16 or 17

Jackson: Wait a second... (you can tell he is thinking) is she married?

Me: No

Pause, his facial expression begins to change

Jackson: You mean...

Jayden trys to interject but I beat him to it

Me: Yes, she had sex before she was married.

Jayden: Ya that's what I was getting ready to say

At this point Jackson has stopped eating and the look on his face is of pure disgust.

Jackson: That is absolutely disgusting, I can't believe she had sex and wasn't married. 

There you have it. Man I love that kid. He is so innocent, still to the point he doesn't get why Bethany's mom and I won't let them have sleep overs. I am going to cherish this for as long as I can.

***Disclaimer: We aren't stupid, the sex talk has been had I guess he just has decided  that God says no sex before marriage and thats that. 

A Wal-mart Friend

Sometimes you just need a friend to go and tolerate Wal-mart with you...I am thankful Debra is that kind of friend. In Florida I was blessed with a super Target down the street from my house so I didn't have to endure the stress of Wal-mart. In case you aren't familiar Super Target is clean, has large aisles, is free from clutter, quiet, never busy, no lines (except at Christmas) basically all the things Wal-mart is not. Well, the little town I love only has a Wal-mart so I must again endure the pain and suffering of shopping there in order to feed my family (insert dramatic sigh here). The last couple days have been a little stressful and I have been struggling to keep my head above water. Today, when Debra called and asked what I was doing and I told her she just offered to go and endure with me. I was so blessed you have no clue. I don't think she really understands what it meant to me that she went. Just a quick background...I have only known Debra since I started at my new Starbucks only 3 months ago but she has already proved to be a friend. Someone you know you can talk to and trust. Someone who will be honest with you, someone who likes you for you. She is awesome. I hope you are blessed with a Debra in your life.

Still praying for baby Grace

After we made all our calls and talked with our agency and got ALL the facts this is what we know. If we plan to continue our adoption journey right this second our agency, Children's Hope International cannot help us. They are still appealing the decision to not give them the Hague accreditation they need for all China adoptions so using them would be out of the question. However, we could start all over again with another agency but this is not even an option as far as we are concerned. We could however, choose another country to adopt from. After discussing the different countries with a representative and getting a general idea as to how they work we are considering Ethiopia. The cost is about the same but we wouldn't have to be in country as long, only 5-7 days vs the 14 we would need to spend in China. It isn't that we object spending so much time there and certainly wouldn't base our whole decision on it but with 3 kids at home to think about its something to consider. Also, the process isn't as long. From the time we put in our dossier in for China we can expect to wait 24 to 36 months just for a referral and from there another 2-3 months before we travel. From beginning to end with the Ethiopia program its only 9-15 months. This also is a huge deal for us especially considering we are on our way to being 40. Again, not that any of these things will make or break the decision in adopting a baby. Anyway, as you can see/read we have several things to consider and we are once again asking you to join us as we make our requests known to God. His timing will be perfect for bringing our daughter home. We are not losing hope. It just might be going down a different road than we originally thought. Personally, I am excited to see where that road leads and more excited you are on it with us. We can't do it without you. Blessings.

An Obstacle

We received this email from our agency in July. What it means for us is this...because we were only in our application phase we can no longer proceed with them and all monies submitted are gone. (All application fees are non-refundable.) They are appealing the decision so I am not sure what that will mean if they are approved somewhere down the road. I am sad, sad for my grandfather b/c this agency is his blood, sweat and tears, sad for Brian and I and the thought of having to start again with another agency or not at all. We are praying about where to go from here. Please join us and pray also for quick resolve with their Hauge accreditation.

On July 9^th, 2008 CHI was reviewed by COA for our Hague accreditation. Yesterday, July 17, 2008 we were informed by COA that our Hague application has been denied. Our denial was based on being non-compliant in one state where we are licensed. This was not brought to our attention until last week after the Hague review was already underway. We are currently working to resolve this issue and will be requesting from COA re-consideration to our approval.

Specific information on how this affects you - or if it will affect you will be coming in the near future from your specific program.

We are going forward in the faith that this will soon be resolved. We are committed to you and your adoption.

Thank you for your patience and prayers during this time.”

Dwyatt Gantt

Can I just say...

Whenever you are out and you are a customer somewhere whether it be at a counter or in a drive thru...

GET OFF YOUR PHONE!!!!

You have no idea how frustrating it is to deal with you and try and get your order when you are talking to someone on the phone. We don't know if you are taking to us or the person on the other end. Not to mention its rude. If you can't hang up at least put it down for a minute. I am sure whomever you are talking to will understand. This will eliminate getting your order wrong and will speed up service. Please have some respect and treat others as you would want to be treated. I understand some of you have never worked in a drive thru or say fast food so can't understand so take it from someone who does it everyday...its RUDE!!!!!


Note: This does not just apply to drive thrus or fast food restaurants please apply this to grocery stores, department stores and even just getting ice cream at Marble Slab. Thanks.

Finally...an update from NC

Well, we did it!!! We moved again. Only the 4th time in 3 years. Not too bad. In case you are just joining us we just moved from Florida to North Carolina 3 weeks ago. Brian had already been there almost 6 weeks when he flew back in to move us. While he had been in NC I was busy packing up the house and still working while the kids finished school. I am not gonna lie, it was hard work. I have a new appreciation for single moms and military wives. Brian flew in on the Thursday and Friday our Starbucks family plus a few other faithful friends spent hours packing, loading and sweating. It was touch and go for while as we didn't think everything would fit in the truck. So much so I found myself setting things aside saying I can part with that and that and that. In the end it all worked out and about 8am Saturday we hit the road. I can honestly say I never looked back. Apart from a few close friends I made through Starbucks I was not at all sad to leave Florida. Personally, I think it's an amazing place to visit but a terrible place to live. The drive was so great and flawless I have no fun stories.

We arrived late Saturday night and when I rolled off the air mattress Sunday morning I felt as if I had a knife stuck in my throat when I swallowed. However, there was no time to be sick so on we all went unloading and unpacking. By the time the 4th of July rolled around I was so sick I could barely get off the couch. I missed all the 4th festivities and didn't get to meet all these people I had just heard Brian talk about for the last 6 weeks. Let me tell you word travels fast in a church like that and before we knew it we had all these people bringing us meals 1. b/c we had just moved in and 2. b/c I was sick. I could not believe it. I felt very thankful and overwhelmed at the same time.

So, here we are almost 4 weeks later and I can't tell you how much I LOVE IT HERE!!!! This is where we are meant to be. It feels so natural to be here, like its always been. I know why God brought us to Florida but I will thank Him everyday for bringing us out.

P.S. I know this is very brief but I will try and let you all in later on other stuff. Be blessed.

5 years ago today...

• her pain and suffering ended
• my father lost his wife
• I lost my best friend
• she met Jesus
• I knew what hell was
• I knew God's sovereignty

As 5 years has passed us by and we have all managed to pick up the pieces and live our lives without her I recognize more and more how short life is. The pain of that day is as real today as it was 5 years ago. Remembering how I sat with her one last time as she turned cold. I held her hand to my face in an effort to never forget what it felt like to be touched by her. I was afraid to leave for fear I would forget. But now, I see her in my relationships with others. As I remember the type of women she was I long to be like her. So selfless and accepting. Always thinking of others ahead of herself. Laughing through tears, singing and praising through the pain as the cancer ate away at her body. Never giving up hope, never faltering in her faith and ultimately living her life for His glory to the very end. She always said she won either way and she was right. Not a day goes by I don't miss her but as I look at our family and see how we let God turn mourning into morning I thank God for every minute I did have her and all the things she is still teaching me even 5 years after her death.

Walking by Faith

Today was a rough day. Brian and I have had some really tough decisions to make lately. We have prayed, called for wise counsel, cried, prayed some more and have just been holding on to hope. The housing market is not what it once was so it feels so hopeless. The kids and I were going to be joining Brian the 20th of this month but after more prayer and thought Brian decided we should wait a little longer and hope we get an offer. This was not what I wanted to hear. Even after I prayed last night "Lord, I trust Brian and whatever you show him is the right thing to do I will follow", man I was mad. Then sad. I spent the better part of the day praising and worshipping God through gritted teeth and tears. However, in faith I also went to the store and bought bubble wrap and packing tape to resume packing. Jared and I emptied the china cabinet onto the table so I could begin boxing it. In the middle of the mess I got a text. SHOWING TODAY 230-330. I couldn't believe it. HOPE. I finished up that part of the packing, then ran around to finish straightening the house. Later on today I had a meeting at work and on the way home another text...OFFER FOR (our address) BEING FAXED TODAY. Are you kidding me?? An offer? I sat there and cried and thanked God for HOPE! There are still a lot of hoops to jump through but I am holding on to the One Who is holding on to me. Thank you Jesus you never let us go. If you think about us...please pray. Thanks.

Got Miracles??

I know You do. I need one. Thanks for agreeing with me...